Broken Love

Ya that's right! My mom is the best! What other mom do you know that will spend hours reading books about cutting and eating disorders just to protect me from the things I have struggled with? So fully comitted to helping me do what I know God has called me to. I wish everyone had a mom like me! I can't wait to share my speeches with you when this season is over! YOU'RE THE BEST MOM..... I know I know back to working on my OO. ;-)

Just shoot me now, I would rather be dead. Than this useless life, No direction, point, or porpos. Just lift the gun, Pull the trigger at my head. Grinding my teeth hard, Pushing through strong. I'm just so dead already, What's the point of living a dead life? Doing my best with a smile, One can only push so long. Depression sinks in, Everything loosing light. done now with this life, Can't I trade for a new one? Being dead would do, Then Jesus would always be in sight. Full of second guessing and questions, Head swimming to no shore. What's the point, When life is one big blur? Stumbling through the tears, Twards a nonexistand bend. Nothing will change, I'll just continue to sink. No relif will come, Noone, nothing can take the pain away. Soon all the light will be gone, I'll just run in the dark empty cloud. Someday this life will consume me, Dead. in body or spirit I don't' know. But when it does I'll be ready, To let go. Be done forever and ever,

I finally got in in my head. It's not love, wonder or aw, Lust is what it is, for the tings in bed. Always turning from what I knew I saw. Waning there to be more, Not just me but you too. To all the wide open door. Have it finally just be me and you. Looking back now I see, Every touch and every feel, That's what did it to me. The things that really seeled the deal. You know me better than most. Holding the key, Many people, a large host, They think they know me, they think they see. You really do , See me for who I am. It wasn't enough to reach the lines I drew. Not strong enough to breach the dam. I just have to remind me, What I have known for many a year, It's just not ment to be. It stops now, this moment, here. Stopping here and now, Never to begin again. Some way...some how, THIS is the END.

Every time I look around me what do I see? People haply ever after, At least for a month or two. But every tine I look I can't see you. Who are you? The person I will love. Do I know you now or do I have to wait? For my own happy parade to finally start. To feel your arms around me. I know it won't be perfect all the time, It can't be. But when it is true we will make it just fine. I need you here now. The ups and downs of life are slowly killing me. Where is your comforting hug? How do you think I can stand now? Now when everything is falling, Without your strong arm to cling to Ill sink. I don't mean to complain, There are good times too, Like laughing over fruit juice and singing kids songs. I want to share them with you too. The good, crazy, wiled, random side. You probably won't get but you'll smile anyways. I'm told I'm unique, Different in so many ways. A hard personality to fit. I'm a colorful person, Who you can't put a color to. Can you

We are done living. We say we are dead. What is death? I supose it depends what we believe. Where we will go. What we will find. An empty void, With no emotion or pain. A state of nothingness. A burning pit of fire, Feeling pain for eternity. Living death as hell. Perlly gates and golden streets, Forever in the arms of our creator. Resting forever on a heavenly cloud. Death as a good escape? Death to feel nothing but pain? Death to bring peace? Life problems gone forever, No need to remember to breath. The heavy cloud gone, Along with the sun. Relaxed forever, Peaceful sleep on heavenly clouds.

Every star in the sky... is special. Every cloud against the blue... is unique. Opening eyes to life. Every blade of grass... is creative. Every flower on the path... is paint. Learning to find the gifts in life. Every bright color... is vibrant. Every small sound... is astonishing. Learning to listen to life. Every wisp of breeze... is restful. Every ray of sun... is exhilarating. Learning to drink in life. Every friends hug... is healing. Every stupid joke... is refreshing. Learning to live in the arms of life. Every new and old tear... is significant. Every cool rain drop... is cleansing. Learning to let go of life. Every cute shoe... is exciting. Every free gift... is fulfilling. Learning to accept life. Every dance in the sunny rain... is eliminating. Every helping hand... is promising. Learning to BE life!

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. So young and full of color, Yet color slowly slips away. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Vibrant and full of meaning, With life slowly draining. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Almost feeling the breath that refreshment would bring, Yet like the flower unable to touch past the glass that separates. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Once holding the sweet scent, Now reeking for all to smell. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Droplets of healing just inches away, Unable to break the bubble of separation. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Life saving refreshment in view, Yet unable to quench the thirst. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Once in a huge field, Now unable to belong. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Before, Soft and beautiful, Now crumbling at their feet. My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard. Once cherished, Now begging to be tossed out of the

You are the reason, The way I am, What I'm going through. Yes it's all your fault! I could never say it before, Couldn't not be be ok, Because of you. Yes it's all your fault! I held it all in, Let it tare me to peaces, Shred my heart. Yes it's all your fault! Stepping into a horror film, All alone, With out you by my side. Yes it's all your fault! Putting on a face, The smile, Showing everything is ok. Yes it's all your fault! No knowing where to turn, Lost in the Amazon of life, Unable to see past the trees.... Guess what?! That too, is all your fault! Do you want to know why? Why I torcher myself? For you, I did it for you. To spare your pain, The pain of my pain, The pain of guilt. For you, I did it for you. Because you are so amazing, Sweet and gentle, Softer than most see. For you, I did it for you. I love you, For who YOU REALLY are, Your amazingness. For you, I did it for you. Because you are more important, Than how I feel, Weather or not I'm b

So for the past few months I have been really trying to get used to not having a guy there all the time saying I'm beautiful and that he misses me and always asking if we can do something or talk. This has been something I have struggled with a lot. Now I don't think that not having a guy right now is a bad thing, what happened happened. God knew what he was doing and it really is for the best and I'm mostly glad I don't have a boyfriend right now. But it has still been hard. For the past few years I have seen my self climing to the top of a steep rocky clif where at the top I finally will find "self actualization" (as Meg Cabbot would say), my self confidence, the real me. I have been slowly climbing... a few times a long the way God has given me some nice "foot holds" and "hand holds" to push me up, colser to that goal. Sometimes those hand holds I don't see as helping, it makes me feel stuck until I can figure out what to do. Two sum

Thursday night when I was 13.... "Mom I'm not sure what to wear tomorrow... and I need to figure it out so I can do my nails before bed... and I don't know how to do my hair tomorrow.... I could just do it boring or I could get up at four thirty to do it all cool... I NEED HELP MOM!" Tonight at 17.... " What the heck am I thinking?" "Telling coach that I can't make all the pratices' even meets cuz I'm getting behind in school... I'm going to turn into one of THOSE girls that thinks that they can get away with anything,,, dang I don't want to be that way and have people see me that way." "Why on earth am I sitting here I HAVE to get my math done, I'm a week behind!" " I don't know how I'm going to get by with this pay check for two freakn weeks cuz of debate camp." "So weird to ask coach what is wrong wiht my legs..and her just to look at me and say 'It sucks getting old'. Man... &quo

So around this time last year I posted that my life flashed before my eyes.... and guess what it happened again! I was going to chemistry (and I'm allllll done now! yay! ) and as i pulled up these three dogs were around my car like wating for me to get out... now first I have always had nightmares about dogs chasing me... part of the reason I'm up this late...I don't want to sleep. lol so I'm sitting there thinking maybe I shouldn't get out of the car... but then I'm like "your so being stupid sarah!" so I got out of the car and got my books and everything then started to SLOWLY walk across the street to my teachers house... and they kinda start barking and growling a little... so I kinda started to talk nicely to them (like that would help) and kept walking slowly... then one of them took a step twards me and so I started to back up... then they charged me! so I throw my books at the one nearest me ( I think he was like the leader or something) and hi

Once again I can put on a smile, Proudly covering it for a while. Years of work undone, Back past where it begun. Nothing is what it used to be, Not even how I see. Colors dissapre., More and more with every unshed tear. One little word... HOPE, Some how always helped me cope. The word that used to keep me strong, It's not working... It's gone. Hope stood up and left, Or maybe it's theft. The devil grabbing and stealing, Any chance I have of healing. Completely a lone, What is he doing up on His mighty throne? Maybe shedding a tear or two, Like there's nothing He can do! Friends falling apart, For once I don't know where to start. They all say I'm outside the norm, No idea that behind the smile rages a storm. Stomic always in knots, In my head hearing shots. Eyes aching, Heart breaking. Life as a whole, Is out of my control. I don't know what to do, There's no one to hand it to. Exhausted to no extent, Every last reserve spent. Into bed I'm falling,

Every time I think I'm done it's back, As if I was running on a track. Far away I think I'm done, Looking up only to see that I have more to run. Wanting to jump the circle... round and round, Yet there is something keeping me bound. Begging till I'm emotionally dead, God why can't I cut the thread!? Whatever it is in which I'm stuck, The place where I'm out of luck. Not knowing wheat I'm supposed to learn, Where emotions and pain sear and burn. Memories everywhere I go, Ice cream, stores, or a show. Each flash back stabbing and hurting, Pulling me back to when life was about enjoying. Back to where I started, To that night we parted. Tears streaming, Each one full of meaning. Not sure what to do with emotion, Easy just to shut it in a tin. Binding it tight so no one sees my need, Holding the wound so no one can see it bleed. This is where I am, No longer telling you I can. No longer in a circle, but straight in line I'll go, Some day, even to me the

Surrounded by color, Blind. Vibranceness overwhelming, Blind. Music floating through life, Deaf. Tapping, whistling, strumming, Deaf. Soft velvet to the finger tips, Nothing. Puppy slobber on the face, Nothing. Fresh apple pie and rain, Scentless. Sweet roses and sexy cologne, Scentless. Mac and cheese, Tasteless. Mint chocolate chip ice cream, Tasteless. Laughter and smiles, Numb. Hugs and tears, Numb.

"If needed the oxygen masks will drop above the seat in front of you. Please place it completely over your mouth and nose. Do not proceed to help those around you until it is tightly on and you are breathing normally. " So I was 9 I think and I went to Hawaii and when the video on the airplane said that I was stunned! Why would I give myself air before my little brothers could breath? They needed me to be there for them, to save them. Wouldn't it be selfish to save myself first? I would much rather die than to have my little brothers taken from me. And then there is that verse in the Bible where Jesus talks about taking the plank out of your eye before removing if from your friends. Dude if me and hannah banana were both in pain with wood in our eyes and I could help her and be in pain just a little longer to to help her feel better faster... I would! Sounded to me like Jesus was pretty selfish! But over the past few years I have been doing a lot of travlling and flying

My Heroes would be Carly Patterson... 2004 all around gold gymnast. Ya'll are going to laugh but Hillary Duff... because she is almost as big of a star as a lot of people but she isn't a slut, doesn't cuss, or anything like that she is a good roll model for all the younger girls. And ya my parents...My Dad is one of the strongest most faith filled people I know, he listens to God and follows with out question. My Mom is like my best friend... always there to listen and tell me how smart, stupid, logical, emotional, strong, or just weird I'm being. The arms that hold me when I cry, the soft voice that sings and prays me to sleep. My little brother... he is 15 but will always be the little boy that I gave the blue bunny to the day he was born... except now he is tall and toned and... well a brat! I wouldn't have it any other way... he is my phycolagest and joker all in one... the shoulder to cry on even if it's stupid girl things... the one that's saying it

Swrelling around in my head. needles poking, nails driving. Knife of sorrow to the heart. Confusion billowing. searching for truth. Begging for joy. Lost in the cloud. Drowning in uncertainties. Sinking to hopelessness. Fighting against nourishment. Wishing for the ideal. Always wanting... never satisfied. Love here, gone, then back again. Soft surrounding security. Two languages to speak. Iron wall like a damn. Punching, yet not a dent. Trapped by the one with the key. Emptiness is all that's felt. Loud silence is all that's heard. Darkness is all that's seen. Annoying buzz. Chilling breeze. Space is the only thing near. Beams of joyful hope. A day, a night, a moment. Covered by storm clouds. No way to let go. No way to move on. No way to get out. Stuck. Unmoving. Trapped.

My mom has been reading Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis (amazing books!) to my little brothers... yes anytime I hear her reading I go curle up (with my phone for texting of course;D ) and listen. Now I know the Narnia stories in side and out..... but I haven't had time recently to read them again. So since I'm a good bit older than I was last time I'm starting to catch some of the spiritual metaphors that I wasn't seeing when I was younger. One of the things I finally understood that always confused me before was when Lucy finally saw Aslan the lion again she comments that he has grown. Now this didn't make since to me.... When we grow things tend to look smaller.... But Aslan said to her, "Every year you get older I get bigger". Now think about this.... Every year older we get the more we need God to be bigger.... and he is. As our problems grow so does our understanding of him. I know that often I look at my problems and say it's to big for God to hand

For the last 5 or 6 years of my life I felt that it would never be my turn. It would never be my turn to be in charge It would never by my turn to have people copy the way I dress It would never be my turn to have people follow my example It would never be my turn to be up on stage as much or more than my "smart friends" It would never be my turn to have the boyfriend that every other girl wanted When I teacher would leave the room for five min they would always ask Jen or Ash to be in charge.... When ever a protect was needing done someone else would always be in charge of seeing that it got done the right way. Now I'm the one that is in charge when the teacher isn't there, I'm the one that is helping make sure the yearbook is done the right way. All my life whatever Lindsey and Jennie would wear that's what I begged my mom to buy. Bell bottoms, t-shirts with funny sayings, pretty clips, black high hill boots, hoddies, dresses, skirts, EVERYTHING! Now I'

December 10, 2007 There was a set of shootings that happened in churches in the US. It was a terrible event for everyone that heard about it and for those who were there it changed their lives... some even lost it. There is one thing that hit me the hardest, the parents of one of the teens that was shot and died came forward on national TV and said to the parents of the kid that had killed their child, We forgive him and hold nothing against you. The two sets of parents even morned their children together. We look at this beautiful, amazing scene and it makes me think... Where was that love and forgiveness when this young man was hurting badly enough to want to kill Christians? This is a quote I wrote down from a blog of the shooter I think the morning of the shootings. " I'm gona teach you all a lesson, us outcasts have to take a stand." There are many things that could have been happening in his life... I didn't know this young man, his family, friends, or church gr

This picture has to be like 2-3 years old or something! This is Jennie. I have known her for like 13 years... She is graduating this year... she is my big sister... She is my role model... She is beautiful inside out... I love her to death!!! When I was little people used to think that Jennie and I were sisters.... we loved fooling people and laughing about it... but we are both crapy lairs because we would burst out laughing. We were both short and believe it or not I was WAY shorter than she was till I was about 14. Our hair was the same color...that no one else had! we called it Harvest... lol and at one point it matched the gold lettering on the Bible. Our hair changed colors at the same times through out the years.... till a couple years ago when we both decided to dye our hair random colors at random times! I used to spend days at their house with sleepover and birthday parties... it was a happy place for me! We were in a dance class together and because my parents were working

Those gorgeous kiddos are my oldest children, all dressed up for Seth's first prom. In so many ways it was a milestone for them and I'm enjoying the memories: Seth's willingness to wear a suit--it was the first time since he was about four that he didn't whine about tucking in his shirt. He and I picked the suit out, and he paid for most of it himself. He also escorted a young woman to prom and insisted on paying for everything, though they were going as friends, not as a "date." Seth stepped out of his shyness and determined to show the girl a good time, even though it meant doing things he thought he didn't like--like dancing. I was proud of his determination to put her needs before his comfort zone and the selfless way he spent his own money on her tickets, corsage, and pictures, though it meant giving up several weeks pay. I also loved the way his character, wisdom, and self-confidence showed. He knew a lot of guys would rent tuxes, but told me

Wow crazy week! Ok so I grew up with only brothers... and these are some things I thought about guys. 1. All guys love and play sports 2. It's sexy when a girl is stronger than all the guys 3. Hard core chicks are the coolest 4. Acting like a girl drives all the guys crazy Over the past few weeks I would like to first thank Miss Maggie. She forced me into skirts and "pretty" shirts and curly hair for speech... I hated every min of it, but it turned out for the best in the end... just don't let her know ;) Then Zack and Josiah. I don't know if Miss Maggie put them up to it or what, but every time I curled my hair, put on heels, a skirt, or girlie earrings... And was totally hating it, they would just simply tell me that it looked good. (btw two of my best friends... neither one plays sports!) Caleb and Seth dears: Whenever I did something stupid and girlie at work or tried to lift something heavy they were just telling me it was ok. They laughed and enjoyed seeing

That was my friend, She was the star. I thought we'd be together to the end, I copied her hair, clothes, and someday her car. Now she is gone, I'm at a loss. Slowly it's starting to dawn, Now she's not here who's the boss? I look to see if anyone can give me the answer, Who could it be? It's not the debater, punk, or dancer, It's me. What are they thinking? Who am I to be in the spot light? Into what lie am I sinking? No, The're looking at me, not tomorrow, tonight! Oh what should I do? How should I dress? It scares me, this thing so new, My head is spinning into a mess. How can I be what they need? Maybe giving them love hope and light. I can leave behind a seed, Giving just enough courage to stand and fight. Learning when to be strong, How to say no. Learning when to move on, How to let go. Learning not to hand out hurt, Not to give what I was delt. Teaching the tine to stand up and assert, So the dams just melt. Life's rain, sun, sleet, or snow,

You are tall, He is short. She is skinny, You are not. You have acne, Her face glows. He has hott clothes, Your's are so last year. You are shy, She is at the center. He has a beautiful girlfriend, You can't seem to catch anyones eye. You are different, That's ok. Why does it mater so much that we are not all the same? It's what's on the inside that counts. What God thinks about you is what matters, You are beautiful in his eyes. Even if you don't see it, He does. Drink in your life! Be unique and different!

So for Seth's 15th birthday he chose to take me snowboarding for my gift to him. Some present hu?!?!? Well as the day drew closer I was dreading it more and more! I was tiered! I was sooo out of shape! Didn't have time to play! But this is what my little brother wanted for his birthday.... and me being broke that was the best I could do... for now ;) So I went. We ended up taking one of Seth and my best friends, Caleb. We got there got our rentals... bla bla bla. I was a little more confedent than I should have been. "I'm a gymnast! I have good control of my body! Good ballance!" HAHAHAHAHA wow yes this is all true.... I thought I would start out on the bunny hill even though I felt stupid doing that, the fact that I had never been before made it make since. I stood up ready to go... I fell on my butt. For the first of what would be COUNTLESS times that day. I was starting to fall every 10 feet rather than every 3, therefore Seth and Caleb decided that it was tim

Ok guys! This is what I'm thinking about doing.... every week end (yes today is monday,.,,, I know) I wan to put my random thoughts for every day of the week.... cuz I have those a lot! lol some will be funny and some will be serious.... pretty much just random!!! lol so here is this week! Sunday: Are sun flowers called SUN flowers because they look like the sun or because they turn towards where ever the sun is shining? Monday: Orginized chaos! Tuesday: The way to a girls heart is through her hair! (thanks Esther!) Wednesday: Rest is needed in everyones life Thursday: When we are trying to "find ourselves" We shouldn't try so hard because God knows everything about us, and in his time he will show us things about ourself. So if we are grounded in Christ we are grounded in ourselves! Friday: The moon comes out every night, even in hard times to remind us that every day has the potential for beauty. ~The Perfect Man (it's a movie people!) Saturday: SETH IS 15 TOD

My live was confusing, You were there. You told me what to do, Showed me that you care. My life felt complete, You lifted my weight. The twinkle in your eye made me giggle, I soared like a kite. Through the day and late into the night, We would laugh and talk. Telling anything and everything, Hoping we wouldn’t get caught. With every hug and every chat, What I did was not smart. Whether either of us knew it or not, I gave you my heart. I closed my eyes, I didn’t want to see. There were others, Not just me. You laughed and flirted, Played a game. Any time I had your attention, I did the same. I had to open my eyes, HE wasn’t there. It was just you and me, To you, to HIM, and to me it wasn’t fare. I can smile, Every time I dream. But it’s just that, A DREAM.