This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honer you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me. Continue if you dare ;)

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The best mom ever

Ya that's right! My mom is the best! What other mom do you know that will spend hours reading books about cutting and eating disorders just to protect me from the things I have struggled with? So fully comitted to helping me do what I know God has called me to. I wish everyone had a mom like me! I can't wait to share my speeches with you when this season is over!

YOU'RE THE BEST MOM..... I know I know back to working on my OO. ;-)

Sunday, December 7, 2008

Die

Just shoot me now,
I would rather be dead.
Than this useless life,
No direction, point, or porpos.
Just lift the gun,
Pull the trigger at my head.

Grinding my teeth hard,
Pushing through strong.
I'm just so dead already,
What's the point of living a dead life?
Doing my best with a smile,
One can only push so long.

Depression sinks in,
Everything loosing light.
done now with this life,
Can't I trade for a new one?
Being dead would do,
Then Jesus would always be in sight.

Full of second guessing and questions,
Head swimming to no shore.
What's the point,
When life is one big blur?
Stumbling through the tears,
Twards a nonexistand bend.

Nothing will change,
I'll just continue to sink.
No relif will come,
Noone, nothing can take the pain away.
Soon all the light will be gone,
I'll just run in the dark empty cloud.

Someday this life will consume me,
Dead. in body or spirit I don't' know.
But when it does I'll be ready,
To let go.
Be done forever and ever,
Peacefully asleep.

LUST

I finally got in in my head.
It's not love, wonder or aw,
Lust is what it is, for the tings in bed.
Always turning from what I knew I saw.

Waning there to be more,
Not just me but you too.
To all the wide open door.
Have it finally just be me and you.

Looking back now I see,
Every touch and every feel,
That's what did it to me.
The things that really seeled the deal.

You know me better than most.
Holding the key,
Many people, a large host,
They think they know me, they think they see.

You really do ,
See me for who I am.
It wasn't enough to reach the lines I drew.
Not strong enough to breach the dam.

I just have to remind me,
What I have known for many a year,
It's just not ment to be.
It stops now, this moment, here.

Stopping here and now,
Never to begin again.
Some way...some how,
THIS is the END.

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Cinderella

Every time I look around me what do I see?
People haply ever after,
At least for a month or two.

But every tine I look I can't see you.
Who are you?
The person I will love.

Do I know you now or do I have to wait?
For my own happy parade to finally start.
To feel your arms around me.

I know it won't be perfect all the time,
It can't be.
But when it is true we will make it just fine.

I need you here now.
The ups and downs of life are slowly killing me.
Where is your comforting hug?

How do you think I can stand now?
Now when everything is falling,
Without your strong arm to cling to Ill sink.

I don't mean to complain,
There are good times too,
Like laughing over fruit juice and singing kids songs.

I want to share them with you too.
The good, crazy, wiled, random side.
You probably won't get but you'll smile anyways.

I'm told I'm unique,
Different in so many ways.
A hard personality to fit.

I'm a colorful person,
Who you can't put a color to.
Can you handle that?

So different from anyone else,
I think it scares all the guys,
Don't tell but it scares even me.

God had to make you really special.
So strong and brave,
But sweet and gentle too.

I can't wait to find you!
To finally stop guessing.
For once just to know!

Who are you?
I wish God would just let me know,
Stop all this guessing and waiting.

I need my prince,
Just like everyone else.
It's Cinderella in reverse.

Monday, November 10, 2008

Death

We are done living.
We say we are dead.
What is death?

I supose it depends what we believe.
Where we will go.
What we will find.

An empty void,
With no emotion or pain.
A state of nothingness.

A burning pit of fire,
Feeling pain for eternity.
Living death as hell.

Perlly gates and golden streets,
Forever in the arms of our creator.
Resting forever on a heavenly cloud.

Death as a good escape?
Death to feel nothing but pain?
Death to bring peace?

Life problems gone forever,
No need to remember to breath.

The heavy cloud gone,
Along with the sun.

Relaxed forever,
Peaceful sleep on heavenly clouds.

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Learning to Love Life

Every star in the sky...
is special.
Every cloud against the blue...
is unique.

Opening eyes to life.

Every blade of grass...
is creative.
Every flower on the path...
is paint.

Learning to find the gifts in life.

Every bright color...
is vibrant.
Every small sound...
is astonishing.

Learning to listen to life.

Every wisp of breeze...
is restful.
Every ray of sun...
is exhilarating.

Learning to drink in life.

Every friends hug...
is healing.
Every stupid joke...
is refreshing.

Learning to live in the arms of life.

Every new and old tear...
is significant.
Every cool rain drop...
is cleansing.

Learning to let go of life.

Every cute shoe...
is exciting.
Every free gift...
is fulfilling.

Learning to accept life.

Every dance in the sunny rain...
is eliminating.
Every helping hand...
is promising.

Learning to BE life!

Friday, October 17, 2008

My Life is Like the Flowers on My Dashboard

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
So young and full of color,
Yet color slowly slips away.


My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Vibrant and full of meaning,
With life slowly draining.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Almost feeling the breath that refreshment would bring,
Yet like the flower unable to touch past the glass that separates.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Once holding the sweet scent,
Now reeking for all to smell.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Droplets of healing just inches away,
Unable to break the bubble of separation.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Life saving refreshment in view,
Yet unable to quench the thirst.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Once in a huge field,
Now unable to belong.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Before, Soft and beautiful,
Now crumbling at their feet.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Once cherished,
Now begging to be tossed out of the way.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Seemingly Pale and Dead,
Somehow still a beautiful work of art.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Yes it's all Your Fault!

You are the reason,
The way I am,
What I'm going through.
Yes it's all your fault!

I could never say it before,
Couldn't not be be ok,
Because of you.
Yes it's all your fault!

I held it all in,
Let it tare me to peaces,
Shred my heart.
Yes it's all your fault!

Stepping into a horror film,
All alone,
With out you by my side.
Yes it's all your fault!

Putting on a face,
The smile,
Showing everything is ok.
Yes it's all your fault!

No knowing where to turn,
Lost in the Amazon of life,
Unable to see past the trees....

Guess what?!
That too, is all your fault!

Do you want to know why?
Why I torcher myself?

For you, I did it for you.

To spare your pain,
The pain of my pain,
The pain of guilt.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you are so amazing,
Sweet and gentle,
Softer than most see.
For you, I did it for you.

I love you,
For who YOU REALLY are,
Your amazingness.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you are more important,
Than how I feel,
Weather or not I'm breathing.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you were always there,
When I had no one,
You showed up.
For you, I did it for you.

I could talk to you,
You changed the way I saw things,
Changed my life.
For you, I did it for you.

Guess what?!
I still love you as my pall...

So I pray to support you,
For clarity when your lost,
Confidence in YOU.
I DO it for you.

I don't hate you,
I hate that I'm just another girl,
You are a BEST friend for life.
For you, I Do it for you.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Guys, Love, Life, Beauty

So for the past few months I have been really trying to get used to not having a guy there all the time saying I'm beautiful and that he misses me and always asking if we can do something or talk.

This has been something I have struggled with a lot. Now I don't think that not having a guy right now is a bad thing, what happened happened. God knew what he was doing and it really is for the best and I'm mostly glad I don't have a boyfriend right now. But it has still been hard.

For the past few years I have seen my self climing to the top of a steep rocky clif where at the top I finally will find "self actualization" (as Meg Cabbot would say), my self confidence, the real me. I have been slowly climbing... a few times a long the way God has given me some nice "foot holds" and "hand holds" to push me up, colser to that goal. Sometimes those hand holds I don't see as helping, it makes me feel stuck until I can figure out what to do.

Two summers ago is when I really found out who SARAH was. I went to a church camp (see the beginning of my whole blog) with out knowing ANYONE except Benny and Niki... my youth pasters. So I had to figure out how I wanted people to see me and how I could act without just following my friends examples.

Jumping into a publicschool enviorment as a freshman and having to hold tight to all I beleive and have been taught while learning what I could and not having people just hate me... that tought me so much! Sometimes it was hell, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for anything.

Last year I spent the school year without the person that I followed around... I actually had to ask other people to go to lunch with me! Quiet Sarah? This was a new thing for me and the new/old people I hang out with.

I re-made some really great friends that year,,, only to be left behind once again... (tho not compleetly this time :) love you guys!) And have my body decide it's time to be normal and gain some weight,,, and have my face breaking out like none other,,, and finding this thing called emotion.


This summer I (even though I really knew I was being unrealistic) hoped that as I reached the top of that clif I wouldn't be standing alown, I had a friend that was there... to re-afferm what I had been learning, that I was ME and I was AMAZING just as I was.

But once again that all crummbled, and up until today I felt like I was loosing myself again and I was so insicure and desprate for someone to want me. Little did I know it was just another foot hold to boost me higher twards the top.

Today was a really bad day... but one of the most beautiful I have had in a long time.

I got up way to early to go to math... which I HATE btw... So I was sitting there doing my hair and I saw the verse on my mirror that says, " Behold the BEAUTY of the Lord!" I have had that up there for like 4 years now... But today it hit me, God made me... crappy achie and all... and He thinks I'm beautiful. I don't always have to have a guy sitting there telling me, because I KNOW it's true.

I was doing my make up thinking... yes I'm beautiful and God loves me but some how it was a little weird... like my heart was full of love but I didn't feel like it was dangrous, my heart was MINE and I'm going to have to learn how to protect it... until I find that one guy that can share it with my God. I came to this conclussion when a song came on Klove (don't laugh that's what my dad had it on while he was using my radio so I just left it. )... Really all I remember of the song is part of the choris saying, "My heart is spoken for!". 1. Some young lad out there will some day have my whole heart... it already blongs to him even though I have no clue who he is... He is the only one that get's it.... 2. God has my heart. It has always been and always will be his. He spoke for it, clamied it before I was even born! That just makes me so HAPPY!

So my little brother, Seth has been away all week end at a hockey thing and I acutally missed him! lol Then.... he came home... and loves to drive me crazy! lol but today when I was laying there with my head pounding... not only did he bring me lovely drugs, but he just looks at me and says, " You look cute." If anyone knows my brother you know that he could care less! I ask him how I look before a dance and he says fine or nice or something. So I was like wow where did that come from!? and he just said that he thought I needed a little ego booster, shrugged and walked off. WOW. wether or not he knows it that was like the iceing on the cake... God really wanted me to see that today.

Oh and then when I got to Gym my coach told me about something that might help with my face! Pray it does and I can do it!

So ya I hope this very long little thing no matter what is going on in life who you are, who your friends are, how you look, how you feel, God is there and really he will show you who you are and what you need to do... even though I don't think God ever stops changing us we are who we are and that's who God made us.

XOXO

Thursday, September 11, 2008

OLD! GUYS I'M OLD!

Thursday night when I was 13....
"Mom I'm not sure what to wear tomorrow... and I need to figure it out so I can do my nails before bed... and I don't know how to do my hair tomorrow.... I could just do it boring or I could get up at four thirty to do it all cool... I NEED HELP MOM!"

Tonight at 17....
" What the heck am I thinking?"
"Telling coach that I can't make all the pratices' even meets cuz I'm getting behind in school... I'm going to turn into one of THOSE girls that thinks that they can get away with anything,,, dang I don't want to be that way and have people see me that way."
"Why on earth am I sitting here I HAVE to get my math done, I'm a week behind!"
" I don't know how I'm going to get by with this pay check for two freakn weeks cuz of debate camp."
"So weird to ask coach what is wrong wiht my legs..and her just to look at me and say 'It sucks getting old'. Man... "
"What am I going to do... I SOOOO want to go to collage with Jen and Ash and Esther... but What do I want to do with the rest of my young life, am I strong enough to listin to peoples crap all day every day..."
"My last play and I will never get to be the last one to take a bow... the one all the little kids want pictures with... after ten years.. my last chance is gone... oh well... I'm so proud of my friends."
"ZITS SUCK!"
"Why isn't God stepping in, in all my friends life? I try to give all I have,,, it never seems enough."
" I think I'm finally getting torne down enough and not getting the reconition I work so hard for that maybe I will be able to let God get the crettet... tho I will never be at the center. Can I accept that?"
"I wish I had a guy there to tell me he misses me and that he can't wate to see me and tell me I'm beautiful,,,, why do I miss that so much it's so stupid. "

PEOPLE I'M GOING CRAZY!!!! THAT'S JUST PART... VERY SMALL PART OF MY LIFE... I AM SO DONE!! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!!
LOVE YOU ALL!

Thursday, August 21, 2008

DOGS!

So around this time last year I posted that my life flashed before my eyes.... and guess what it happened again!

I was going to chemistry (and I'm allllll done now! yay! ) and as i pulled up these three dogs were around my car like wating for me to get out...

now first I have always had nightmares about dogs chasing me... part of the reason I'm up this late...I don't want to sleep. lol

so I'm sitting there thinking maybe I shouldn't get out of the car... but then I'm like "your so being stupid sarah!" so I got out of the car and got my books and everything then started to SLOWLY walk across the street to my teachers house... and they kinda start barking and growling a little... so I kinda started to talk nicely to them (like that would help) and kept walking slowly... then one of them took a step twards me and so I started to back up... then they charged me! so I throw my books at the one nearest me ( I think he was like the leader or something) and hit him in the face and ran behind my car but I had already locked it! so I kept running (and screeming... that was kinda funny) twards the house.... and these dogs were like right on my heals... like biting my pants... they didn't get me though... so I'm running like a crazy woman and my teacher comes out... like 6 months pregnet and starts like charging them with a bat...and I run inside. lol so I'm alive! and the animal control people came I'm pretty sure cuz the neighber (who saw) and my teacher had called them.

So ya I was thinking two things.... 1. here goes my senior gymnastics season... I can't tumble without a calf mucle! and 2. I can't work if I can't walk!
so ya... if you look I think you can relate my teacher to God... and me to... well me... honestly God might just have told me that he is fighting for me because I'm done... even though I can't feel or see him... he is fighting for ME. wow.

So I was reading back on my other blog and that last poem I posted (smile) this was a coment that was left by one of my bestest friends Jen,,,, I think it fits here too...

I wish I could understand your pain better... I wish I could tell you what God's up to with your life... I wish that I could take away the ache in your heart...

You've gotta be tired - you're a warrior of the heavens. The battle's been raging, the scars adding up. I know the sword feels heavy, but God WILL help you lift it once more. Keep on fighting, warrior princess. Keep on fighting - don't let this overcome you. He will give you rest... He will reveal His plan, and it will all make sense... but He works in ways we don't understand - His ways are not our ways.

It IS okay to be angry with God. He wants your honesty. It's okay to tell Him it's about ****** time to show up. Really, it is... if that's what you're feeling. If you start telling Him, He can start working with you.

I don't know if any of this helps... I don't know if anything will right now... keep your head up, Lizzy... you don't have to be strong... HE IS! Rest in the arms of your Abba Father.

I love you.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Smile

Once again I can put on a smile,
Proudly covering it for a while.
Years of work undone,
Back past where it begun.

Nothing is what it used to be,
Not even how I see.
Colors dissapre.,
More and more with every unshed tear.

One little word... HOPE,
Some how always helped me cope.
The word that used to keep me strong,
It's not working... It's gone.

Hope stood up and left,
Or maybe it's theft.
The devil grabbing and stealing,
Any chance I have of healing.

Completely a lone,
What is he doing up on His mighty throne?
Maybe shedding a tear or two,
Like there's nothing He can do!

Friends falling apart,
For once I don't know where to start.
They all say I'm outside the norm,
No idea that behind the smile rages a storm.

Stomic always in knots,
In my head hearing shots.
Eyes aching,
Heart breaking.

Life as a whole,
Is out of my control.
I don't know what to do,
There's no one to hand it to.

Exhausted to no extent,
Every last reserve spent.
Into bed I'm falling,
That's when thoughts come calling.

Friends, Family and their things,
My life, hopes, prayers, wishes, and dreams.
I just wish I knew,
How things will turn out... what good the pain will do.

Shaking it off I put on my mask,
Plaster on a smile and focused on the task.
Laughing, flirting, acting all happy,
So no one will ask and get all sappy.

It drives me crazy,
When I work so hard and others are lazy.
Behind the smile I'm dying,
Yet they're the ones getting hugs and crying.

What will it take for people to see,
Who I am and all that I can be.
Maybe it's my fault for not letting them in,
Could it be I just don't know where to begin.

They all say I'm different some how,
Untouched by the emotion of the here and now.
What they say is true,
I easily blow out a candle and all the emotion too.

Is that the way I want my life to go?
No it's not... But not yet ready to let the emotion show.
My stupid emotion could tear people apart,
I'll just sit and let it burn up my heart.

So for now I'll put on my mask and give a show,
From place to place some how I'll keep my glow.
Praying for God to heal hearts,
To give peace and not pull apart.

Some day He'll revile His plan,
Answers pouring from the open dam.
Until then I'll put on a smile,
Proudly covering it for a while.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Track

Every time I think I'm done it's back,
As if I was running on a track.
Far away I think I'm done,
Looking up only to see that I have more to run.

Wanting to jump the circle... round and round,
Yet there is something keeping me bound.
Begging till I'm emotionally dead,
God why can't I cut the thread!?

Whatever it is in which I'm stuck,
The place where I'm out of luck.
Not knowing wheat I'm supposed to learn,
Where emotions and pain sear and burn.

Memories everywhere I go,
Ice cream, stores, or a show.
Each flash back stabbing and hurting,
Pulling me back to when life was about enjoying.

Back to where I started,
To that night we parted.
Tears streaming,
Each one full of meaning.

Not sure what to do with emotion,
Easy just to shut it in a tin.
Binding it tight so no one sees my need,
Holding the wound so no one can see it bleed.

This is where I am,
No longer telling you I can.
No longer in a circle, but straight in line I'll go,
Some day, even to me the pain will no longer show.

May that day come fast,
And for a long while last.
Filling me from above,
With hope and love.

Numb

Surrounded by color,
Blind.
Vibranceness overwhelming,
Blind.

Music floating through life,
Deaf.
Tapping, whistling, strumming,
Deaf.

Soft velvet to the finger tips,
Nothing.
Puppy slobber on the face,
Nothing.

Fresh apple pie and rain,
Scentless.
Sweet roses and sexy cologne,
Scentless.

Mac and cheese,
Tasteless.
Mint chocolate chip ice cream,
Tasteless.

Laughter and smiles,
Numb.
Hugs and tears,
Numb.

Monday, July 21, 2008

AIR MASK!

"If needed the oxygen masks will drop above the seat in front of you. Please place it completely over your mouth and nose. Do not proceed to help those around you until it is tightly on and you are breathing normally. "

So I was 9 I think and I went to Hawaii and when the video on the airplane said that I was stunned! Why would I give myself air before my little brothers could breath? They needed me to be there for them, to save them. Wouldn't it be selfish to save myself first? I would much rather die than to have my little brothers taken from me.

And then there is that verse in the Bible where Jesus talks about taking the plank out of your eye before removing if from your friends. Dude if me and hannah banana were both in pain with wood in our eyes and I could help her and be in pain just a little longer to to help her feel better faster... I would! Sounded to me like Jesus was pretty selfish!

But over the past few years I have been doing a lot of travlling and flying and I listened to that safety thing over and over..... adn I finally got it. If I was fainting for lack of air then I wouln't be able to help the people around me. But if I could breath and they passed out I knew I could still help them, but that's only because I was stable.

And that Bible verse... well if I couldn't see out of one of my eyes and tried to help Hannah... dude I could poke out Her eye and make everything worse because I couldn't see what I was doing!

I have to stop and think sometimes... I have had a reallllllllly hard past few weeks... sorry I haven't blogged in a while... Normally when life falls apart I look at others and try to fix their problems... don't get me wrong I love helping people! LOVE IT. But when I'm all messed up and trying to figure my life out I can't help the people around me in a healthy way for either of us.

It's been almost a month of being depressed and hurting... but I have learned to not answer a text, phone call, email. When I do get these crys for help then I can just tell then I love them and send up a prayer and let it be in Gods hands. Sometimes when I'm really worried about something I have to walk to the throne of God and lay that person and their stuff down and walk away. Because... news flash....

I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING!

But GOD can.

When I figured this out and then could go crying to my best friends then I can really start to breath again... all the crap is still there but it's not ONLY on my sholders. I have friends and God.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Heroes

My Heroes would be Carly Patterson... 2004 all around gold gymnast. Ya'll are going to laugh but Hillary Duff... because she is almost as big of a star as a lot of people but she isn't a slut, doesn't cuss, or anything like that she is a good roll model for all the younger girls. And ya my parents...My Dad is one of the strongest most faith filled people I know, he listens to God and follows with out question. My Mom is like my best friend... always there to listen and tell me how smart, stupid, logical, emotional, strong, or just weird I'm being. The arms that hold me when I cry, the soft voice that sings and prays me to sleep.
My little brother... he is 15 but will always be the little boy that I gave the blue bunny to the day he was born... except now he is tall and toned and... well a brat! I wouldn't have it any other way... he is my phycolagest and joker all in one... the shoulder to cry on even if it's stupid girl things... the one that's saying it's ok to sit and cry and eat ice cream and watch stupid movies, and some times he'll even sit there with me. That's a true best friend.
Hannah Banana, Ashley, Jennie, Esther, Josiah, Angela... They have all been there through everything... even if I push them away. They are all so influential and have really worn proudly the clothes of leader. They all have dreams... some change daily... but the fact that they follow God with all their hearts is more heroic than anything I can think of.
But really Miss Maggie is amazing!!! If you know her at all I'm sure you agree! She is sooo amazing and so is her husband and boys. Jeff even though I am like way younger and I know can be that annoying little sister sometimes has always been there to listen and laugh at and with me. He has also trusted me with things in his life... it takes a strong person to do that. Zack not only is he one of the most amazing song writers and singers ever but he is someone who will stand and fight when everyone else has given up. He is the person who has pulled me though so much that I don't think anyone else could. He lets me ramble and then rambles right back (if you get him in the right mood ;] ). He is strong and always wanting to push through and be better.

They have ALL always been there and are people I would say are heroes.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Trapped

Swrelling around in my head.
needles poking, nails driving.
Knife of sorrow to the heart.

Confusion billowing.
searching for truth.
Begging for joy.

Lost in the cloud.
Drowning in uncertainties.
Sinking to hopelessness.

Fighting against nourishment.
Wishing for the ideal.
Always wanting... never satisfied.

Love here, gone, then back again.
Soft surrounding security.
Two languages to speak.

Iron wall like a damn.
Punching, yet not a dent.
Trapped by the one with the key.

Emptiness is all that's felt.
Loud silence is all that's heard.
Darkness is all that's seen.

Annoying buzz.
Chilling breeze.
Space is the only thing near.

Beams of joyful hope.
A day, a night, a moment.
Covered by storm clouds.

No way to let go.
No way to move on.
No way to get out.

Stuck.
Unmoving.
Trapped.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Prince Caspian

My mom has been reading Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis (amazing books!) to my little brothers... yes anytime I hear her reading I go curle up (with my phone for texting of course;D ) and listen. Now I know the Narnia stories in side and out..... but I haven't had time recently to read them again.

So since I'm a good bit older than I was last time I'm starting to catch some of the spiritual metaphors that I wasn't seeing when I was younger.

One of the things I finally understood that always confused me before was when Lucy finally saw Aslan the lion again she comments that he has grown. Now this didn't make since to me.... When we grow things tend to look smaller.... But Aslan said to her, "Every year you get older I get bigger". Now think about this.... Every year older we get the more we need God to be bigger.... and he is. As our problems grow so does our understanding of him.

I know that often I look at my problems and say it's to big for God to handle and there is no way I can fix it.... thus leaving me completely hopeless. But when I heard that I thought back over the past few years.... heck the past few weeks. When I have felt that I couldn't do anything about stuff.... and I see that God has showed me more and more of his power. When we grow so does God..... well he doesn't really grow but we see more of him.

I just thought that was really cool :)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

Am I Sounding Selfish?... ya human! but ya! it's My Turn!

For the last 5 or 6 years of my life I felt that it would never be my turn.

It would never be my turn to be in charge
It would never by my turn to have people copy the way I dress
It would never be my turn to have people follow my example
It would never be my turn to be up on stage as much or more than my "smart friends"
It would never be my turn to have the boyfriend that every other girl wanted



When I teacher would leave the room for five min they would always ask Jen or Ash to be in charge.... When ever a protect was needing done someone else would always be in charge of seeing that it got done the right way.
Now I'm the one that is in charge when the teacher isn't there, I'm the one that is helping make sure the yearbook is done the right way.

All my life whatever Lindsey and Jennie would wear that's what I begged my mom to buy. Bell bottoms, t-shirts with funny sayings, pretty clips, black high hill boots, hoddies, dresses, skirts, EVERYTHING!
Now I'm not only putting on whatever I feel like I often times see others picking up on what I'm doing........ now I'm deffintally encouraging any one reading this to have their own style! Don't copy any one just because you see them as "cool". Be unique. Be who God made YOU to be.
I'm just saying that the drastic change from 4 years ago and now... is very cool.

Whatever my friends did I wanted to do too. I would follow them with out a second thought some times. Play the games, watch the movies, do the bible study, be in the play, learn some music.
Now I'm holding that influence with many of the younger students in the school and anyone else around me, what if they are following me without a second thought? I just hope that I can be a good influence in someones life... even if in a small way.

Josh, Jeff, Jennie, Lindsey, Ashley, and a lot others ALWAYS are getting publicly recognized for one thing or another.... Getting their name called up on stage all the time... yes I have to say i have been a little jealous... I do behind the scenes stuff... and they were the ones on stage getting all the awards. This last share fair... I got 13 awards..... and I could be wrong but i think that's more than anyone else! Yes pride I know, but I think it was finally my time!


Yes.... I have a boyfriend. Let me just say that the second he broke up with his girlfriend of like 5 years about a year ago.... like every girl I know was all over him. Yes I liked him to but the timing didn't work. I have sat back and seen my friends go through guys and being left behind.... but now I have the most awesome guy.... and I do feel kinda bad that some of my friends happen to have a crush on him.... but hey who can blame them! So ya!

So I guess the point of this blog is just to say to everyone out there that feels like they will never be on top, never get the spot light, have the perfect boyfriend, be put in charge, or have people follow you... THERE IS HOPE! Just give it time.... God knows what he is doing.... But when you finally get a chance to be on top.... weather it is tomorrow or in 30 years..... God will use it and don't be afraid to enjoy it.

So ya!

Sunday, June 1, 2008

Dec. 10, 2007 (Church Shootings)

December 10, 2007
There was a set of shootings that happened in churches in the US. It was a terrible event for everyone that heard about it and for those who were there it changed their lives... some even lost it. There is one thing that hit me the hardest, the parents of one of the teens that was shot and died came forward on national TV and said to the parents of the kid that had killed their child, We forgive him and hold nothing against you. The two sets of parents even morned their children together.

We look at this beautiful, amazing scene and it makes me think... Where was that love and forgiveness when this young man was hurting badly enough to want to kill Christians?

This is a quote I wrote down from a blog of the shooter I think the morning of the shootings.
" I'm gona teach you all a lesson, us outcasts have to take a stand."

There are many things that could have been happening in his life... I didn't know this young man, his family, friends, or church group, but it made me wonder that day as I watched the news, what would happen if we took a second and tried to see past the person and look at all the anger and hurt that is built up in the people around us.... What might God use us for if we are willing to do that?
So I wrote this poem...

I don't understand!
Why do we push them away?
Just because they are different.
They are people too.

All we need is understanding and love.
Why is that so hard?
We could save many lives,
Maybe even our own.

My heard breaks to think,
What pain would drive some one to destroy.
Could lives be saved by a simple hug?
What could we do by stepping up?

Show us how to LOVE.
Teach us how to FORGIVE.
Poor out your HOPE.
Help us extend the hand of GRACE.

What can you do through us Lord?
My tears are nothing to theirs.
My love is nothing to yours.
Show us the balance.

SHOW US HOW TO LOVE.

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Jennie & Ashley






This picture has to be like 2-3 years old or something!
This is Jennie. I have known her for like 13 years... She is graduating this year... she is my big sister... She is my role model... She is beautiful inside out... I love her to death!!!



When I was little people used to think that Jennie and I were sisters.... we loved fooling people and laughing about it... but we are both crapy lairs because we would burst out laughing. We were both short and believe it or not I was WAY shorter than she was till I was about 14. Our hair was the same color...that no one else had! we called it Harvest... lol and at one point it matched the gold lettering on the Bible. Our hair changed colors at the same times through out the years.... till a couple years ago when we both decided to dye our hair random colors at random times!
I used to spend days at their house with sleepover and birthday parties... it was a happy place for me! We were in a dance class together and because my parents were working some I would go to their house either the night before or the morning of our dance recitles. We would do school all day sitting at their kitchen table and drinking hot chocolate :) Then we would have mac and cheese (the box stuff!!) and watch I love Lucy.

There are tones of memories that I could go on on on on and on about but to sum it up this year Jen and I (because of our mothers) neither ones had a second hour class at school, so we went and got some starbucks when ever we got the chance.... We got much closer... Jen is just one of those people that you can open up to. She doesn't just focus on her problems she asks for help and someone to listen then turns around and asks you how you are. Do you have any idea how rare that is in my life! lol After about the second time talking over coffee we both felt like God was saying that we needed to keep each other accountable. Now we both have one more person that truly understands. Jennie is one of the smartest 18 year old girls I know! She loves God with all her heart and it shines from the inside.



This year... June 7, 2008 is going to be a really hard day for me. I'm turning 17 that day.... that's good cuz then I can drive whoever I want! lol But it is really hard because some of my best friends are going to be graduating that day. There are 2 people that I'm having a really hard time letting go of, Jennie and Ashley. Weather or not we have talked over the years we have always been "best friends". They are both almost two years older than I am so I have looked up to them and followed what they did. Although, once they got into high school it was harder... I wasn't ready to grow up that fast. Then guys came into the picture and we just weren't as close. But through all that time we could always go to each other and get a hug during a bad day. We knew we would always be there for each other even if we didn't really hang out or talk for weeks at a time. This past year some of the drama at school cooled down and we became better friends again as well as "leaders of the school" as Miss Maggie would put it. :o)

....Now I hate the phone and talking on it.. idk why... but I have spent some time talking to both of them when we were going through hard times. Yes hours on the phone.... or even just a text checking up on each other. weather or not they know, I could not have made it out of my depression last year with out their help. I'm about ready to cry just thinking about my last year with out them. But I know that if I'm about ready to die they will only be a phone call or a 10 min drive away... even if they are going to go get brilliant at collage with out me. They will always be there and I love them forever.

When I was little I used to ask God to give me a sister... and now that I'm older I know that 1. I would like shoot another girl in the house.... and 2. I already had them. Ash and Jen. They have been the best older sisters anyone could ask for and God knew just what he was doing when he gave me those sisters. So today about 2 weeks before graduation I just wanted to put down some of the cool things... and just share my relationship with them... so if you are a compleetly blind stupid person that can't see... or just don't know them, you can get a glimpse of what amazing women these are.



This is Ashley. Us being stupid at prom this year dancing (not for the last time) to our "love song".
I have known her for about 13 years. She is graduating this year. She is my special red head. She is my encourager. She is my sister.







Wow Ashley dear. Yes my little red head. This year Ash did a speech on red heads, it was very smart and did well in competition. The last point in her speech was about the stario types we place on red heads. At one point she says that her friends used to tease her and just wait to see how mad she would get..... Man was this true!!!!!
When I was little every time Ash came over I would ask if I could braid her hair and we could watch Anne of Green Gables.... The classic red head story... She would get so mad at me and I would laugh.... Though looking back... I WAS A BRAT! But she learned to love her hair as much as the rest of us. Part of that I think is that when we would go every Friday for swim lessons we would play mermaids... guess who always got to be Ariel... Ashie Pooh (yes I'm like the only person that can call her that ;D )

We would stay up for hours playing the game MASH-O to see who we would marry. Ashley however was the most sinceable of us all saying that we were too young and needed to live life before we got married.... she said this at the age of 8. lol She was always the tom-boy right along side of me, always willing to play in the mud or water when other girls would sit back and not get their pink flower skirts dirty. I could go on and on about when we were young.... but that's not what you need to know about her.

Though we didn't really know how to relate over the past few years we always were feeling the same things at the same time and yet would never talk about it. We were the tough girls in bible study, the ones who never cried, who never broke down with deep dark secrets. But this past year the understanding of each other finally made us both feel safe to share emotion with the other everything from school to parents to clothes to friends to boys.... yes the anti MASH girl has found her spot for guys! Together we have discovered that it's kinda nice to let the guys lift stuff, open doors, and just be there to protect... even though when the guys aren't around (or if they are just being lazy... ;P) we are still the ones to pick up the slack and do it our selves. This is a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a friend to hug. At the last dance we went to they played the seniors song for graduation.... after Ash and I danced to it we just hugged.... like I was about ready to cry!
One last story... She and I went to the mall to get a birthday present for some one and we went there and got what we wanted.... then we were done.... nothing to do... and it had been about ten min. Ashley dear and I don't do shopping to well.... Just not one of those things... but neither of us wanted to go home.... we thought we would walk around for a few min... next thing we knew we had been there for four hours! Trying on stupid clothes and talking about boys! amazing I know!
She is my sister and my support system. I love her!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

PROM FULLNESS (from my mom's blog cuz I'm lazy like that!)

Those gorgeous kiddos are my oldest children, all dressed up for Seth's first prom. In so many ways it was a milestone for them and I'm enjoying the memories:

Seth's willingness to wear a suit--it was the first time since he was about four that he didn't whine about tucking in his shirt. He and I picked the suit out, and he paid for most of it himself. He also escorted a young woman to prom and insisted on paying for everything, though they were going as friends, not as a "date." Seth stepped out of his shyness and determined to show the girl a good time, even though it meant doing things he thought he didn't like--like dancing. I was proud of his determination to put her needs before his comfort zone and the selfless way he spent his own money on her tickets, corsage, and pictures, though it meant giving up several weeks pay. I also loved the way his character, wisdom, and self-confidence showed. He knew a lot of guys would rent tuxes, but told me that he thought it was silly to spend that much on something he'd only wear once. He chose instead to invest in his future by buying a nice suit that he could wear again. He found a beautiful, name-brand suit at a wonderful price and picked a red tie to match the girl's dress. His logic and frugality reminded me of his dad, and I was proud of him.

Sarah's delight in the whole thing--it was the first time she had an escort to the prom who wasn't related to her. (Her sweet daddy took her the first year.) Her escort was a true gentleman. Though they had chosen to go to the prom as friends, he wouldn't hear of going dutch and instead generously bought Sarah's prom ticket and a beautiful corsage, as well as paying for their transportation in a chartered vehicle. It was Sarah's first taste of this world, and the young man did it up right, making her feel like a princess. She proudly wore the dress she and her dad picked out at a fund raiser for the Children's Hospital. People from all over the metro area donated prom dresses--over 2,000 of them--and sold them to high schoolers for prom. I had planned to take Sarah to shop, but was sick that day. It turned out to be a special time for Sarah and her dad, and both of them came home glowing. Sarah found a beautiful dress at a more than reasonable price and had the satisfaction of putting her money toward a worthy cause.

The joy of feeling good about the event--the prom was sponsored by our homeschool group, well supervised, and beautifully presented. The kids ate a top-notch catered meal, white tablecloths not withheld, enjoyed a night of dancing (under the careful eyes of parents who insisted upon proper space between partners during slow dances), and then had fun and games at an after prom party. A friend and I talked about how this event differed from the proms of our public high school days, when many of the teens spent their prom nights chasing after less wholesome activities. I felt intense gratitude to the umbrella school and the parent volunteers who did what they could to offer my children such a delightful experience, and to give me peace of mind. I didn't worry about them a single minute, just watched them shine and beamed along with them.

Friday, May 2, 2008

Girls, Guys, and Gas Money!

Wow crazy week!
Ok so I grew up with only brothers... and these are some things I thought about guys.

1. All guys love and play sports
2. It's sexy when a girl is stronger than all the guys
3. Hard core chicks are the coolest
4. Acting like a girl drives all the guys crazy

Over the past few weeks I would like to first thank Miss Maggie. She forced me into skirts and "pretty" shirts and curly hair for speech... I hated every min of it, but it turned out for the best in the end... just don't let her know ;)
Then Zack and Josiah. I don't know if Miss Maggie put them up to it or what, but every time I curled my hair, put on heels, a skirt, or girlie earrings... And was totally hating it, they would just simply tell me that it looked good. (btw two of my best friends... neither one plays sports!)
Caleb and Seth dears: Whenever I did something stupid and girlie at work or tried to lift something heavy they were just telling me it was ok. They laughed and enjoyed seeing me act like a girl and they really enjoyed lifting stuff for me.
Lovely Amber. This young lady is sooo a teenage girl! I love her for it! She responds by giggling and squeeking when the guys do something stupid. I love watching that... because the guys love it!! Who would have thunk it?

Those are just a few of the people that have helped me (+ my mommy :D )
But look at that list..... guess what?!!? I'S OK FOR ME TO BE A GIRL AND ACT LIKE ONE!!!! Now I will never be an Amber, that's just not who God made me to be. But today we had a "dress your personality" day... lol gotta love Angela. I had on a pink lacy shirt and pearls. Ya Sarah does not do that! pink... lace... AND... pearls?!?!? one is normally too much but all three!?!

But see the cool thing is that a few people were like "you dressed just normal" and then those guys were like shocked that I was all like girlie. It made my day!
God is really showing my that it's ok to be the Warrior princess he made me to be... but I'm still a princess who can have a prince or two take care of her (not in any bad way!).

But God is the best prince! He is always there knowing when things get hard and telling us it will be ok.

So this week I was running low on money.... and gas. A friend and I went and hung out, not only did they pay for what we were doing, but I got home to ten bucks in my purse for gas money! They wouldn't take it back... So the next day I knew that was just enough to get me to my Spanish class and work. I go to get some gas and my little bro takes the ten and hands me a twenty. God really looks after me in the weirdest ways!

Stupid randomness I know, but it really made my day! That God and my friends all care so much about me. it's really amazing, I really am a lucky GIRL!

Thursday, April 24, 2008

~NEW START~

That was my friend,
She was the star.
I thought we'd be together to the end,
I copied her hair, clothes, and someday her car.

Now she is gone,
I'm at a loss.
Slowly it's starting to dawn,
Now she's not here who's the boss?

I look to see if anyone can give me the answer,
Who could it be?
It's not the debater, punk, or dancer,
It's me.

What are they thinking?
Who am I to be in the spot light?
Into what lie am I sinking?
No, The're looking at me, not tomorrow, tonight!

Oh what should I do?
How should I dress?
It scares me, this thing so new,
My head is spinning into a mess.

How can I be what they need?
Maybe giving them love hope and light.
I can leave behind a seed,
Giving just enough courage to stand and fight.

Learning when to be strong,
How to say no.
Learning when to move on,
How to let go.

Learning not to hand out hurt,
Not to give what I was delt.
Teaching the tine to stand up and assert,
So the dams just melt.

Life's rain, sun, sleet, or snow,
Each one gives something to learn.
Ever lesson helping us grow,
Lighting our hearts till they burn.

Leading them to the one to whom they can hold on,
The one to help them cope.
the only one that makes us strong,
So they can give others hope.

Leading to hope, joy, peace, and love,
Knowing how we all should live.
Following the pure white dove,
THIS IS ALL I CAN GIVE!

Monday, April 21, 2008

*Different*

You are tall,
He is short.
She is skinny,
You are not.

You have acne,
Her face glows.
He has hott clothes,
Your's are so last year.

You are shy,
She is at the center.
He has a beautiful girlfriend,
You can't seem to catch anyones eye.

You are different,
That's ok.
Why does it mater so much that we are not all the same?
It's what's on the inside that counts.

What God thinks about you is what matters,
You are beautiful in his eyes.
Even if you don't see it,
He does.

Drink in your life!
Be unique and different!

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Black Eye

So for Seth's 15th birthday he chose to take me snowboarding for my gift to him. Some present hu?!?!?

Well as the day drew closer I was dreading it more and more! I was tiered! I was sooo out of shape! Didn't have time to play! But this is what my little brother wanted for his birthday.... and me being broke that was the best I could do... for now ;) So I went.

We ended up taking one of Seth and my best friends, Caleb.

We got there got our rentals... bla bla bla. I was a little more confedent than I should have been. "I'm a gymnast! I have good control of my body! Good ballance!" HAHAHAHAHA wow yes this is all true.... I thought I would start out on the bunny hill even though I felt stupid doing that, the fact that I had never been before made it make since.

I stood up ready to go...

I fell on my butt.

For the first of what would be COUNTLESS times that day. I was starting to fall every 10 feet rather than every 3, therefore Seth and Caleb decided that it was time I went on a green slope.

Needless to say by the time I got done with the day I had a swollen black eye ( I have always wanted one of those!! so cool! lol), black knees, hurt wrist, snow burned belly and back and arms, swollen cheek, and a very black butt! lol I even blacked out once.
Needless to say... for some one who is used to being the best when it comes to sports.... it was hard! though there were a few times that I was doing really well and it was fun to fly down a mountain.

But let me tell you, those two boys... amazing kids!

Ok so I'm going to make a weird analagy here.... I don't think any of them are God or anything!

But Seth was like God, he was the one that gave me the opportunity to do this and he was always there cheering me on.

Caleb was like Christ and the Holly Spirit. He was the one there every time I fell to pick me up (littarly some times! lol), to grab my hand and tell me I will make it through.

I went down 2 green slopes the whole day (plus the bunny hill like 10 times! lol) They were both there the whole time grabing me, making sure that I was ok, sometimes yelling at me to get back up and try again!

But after I was done, went home and got some sleep, I thought. Ya know I spent pretty much the whole day on my butt and it wasn't much fun, But at the end of the day my other brother who is really into skiing wanted to go with me beofore we left... at this point I could hardly move. But I pushed through for my little brother. Guys I got down the bunny hill only falling once!!!! a record! and I had fun!

The devil has been knocking me over a lot and God has been teaching me a lot these days, I have speent most of my time on my butt. Every once in a while I have an amazing day where I'm flying away from every hard thing and leaving it all behind... then I fall down again just as I think I'm getting the hang of it. The more I praticed the better I got.


God is putting us through boot camp people! Every thing that knocks you down will teach you how to stand up. Yes we have some good times too, try not to over think them! Enjoy the break and have fun!

Just know someday wether you see it or not, every time you chose to stand back up will affect some ones life and will help to win for the kingdom of God!

God isn't being mean, it's not that he doesn't care, it's that he loves us and has a plan for our life... that might take some traning.
So let him grab your hand and pull you up. Let him yell at you to get up and finish. he know's what he is doing :)

Monday, March 10, 2008

NEW RANDOM THING!

Ok guys! This is what I'm thinking about doing.... every week end (yes today is monday,.,,, I know) I wan to put my random thoughts for every day of the week.... cuz I have those a lot! lol some will be funny and some will be serious.... pretty much just random!!! lol so here is this week!

Sunday: Are sun flowers called SUN flowers because they look like the sun or because they turn towards where ever the sun is shining?

Monday: Orginized chaos!

Tuesday: The way to a girls heart is through her hair! (thanks Esther!)

Wednesday: Rest is needed in everyones life

Thursday: When we are trying to "find ourselves" We shouldn't try so hard because God knows everything about us, and in his time he will show us things about ourself. So if we are grounded in Christ we are grounded in ourselves!

Friday: The moon comes out every night, even in hard times to remind us that every day has the potential for beauty. ~The Perfect Man (it's a movie people!)

Saturday: SETH IS 15 TODAY!!!!!!! I ♥ U Bro!!!!

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

*"Dreams"*


My live was confusing,

You were there.

You told me what to do,

Showed me that you care.


My life felt complete,

You lifted my weight.

The twinkle in your eye made me giggle,

I soared like a kite.


Through the day and late into the night,

We would laugh and talk.

Telling anything and everything,

Hoping we wouldn’t get caught.


With every hug and every chat,

What I did was not smart.

Whether either of us knew it or not,

I gave you my heart.


I closed my eyes,

I didn’t want to see.

There were others,

Not just me.


You laughed and flirted,

Played a game.

Any time I had your attention,

I did the same.


I had to open my eyes,

HE wasn’t there.

It was just you and me,

To you, to HIM, and to me it wasn’t fare.


I can smile,

Every time I dream.

But it’s just that,

A DREAM.