This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honor you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me.

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Truly Different

It's been a while so I thought I'd just look at my life for a second and process a few things that have been running through my mind as of late. My goal in life has been to be different, to be a light in darkness, to see life and people through God's eyes. While it has been hard to keep sight of these goals at times it has been the center of my life as long as I can remember. As a kid that meant things like wearing punk or emo clothes... with a big smile. Or being friends with the person everyone thought was weird. Or coloring my hair, getting piercings and tattoos, at the same time as serving in my Church's sunday school. I was the sports girl at school, and the nerd at the gym, I tried everything, so as not to get the one "label" placed on me like everyone else had. These were great things as a teenager, even a young adult. But what now? I'm a grown up. Even sitting here at work on haloween dressed up like Rainbow Bright (if you haven't read the childeren's book...well you need to), I feel torn between kid and adult. I'm getting married in May, to a wonderful man who has vowed that we will never truly get old, "when we're 90 we'll still just be big wrinkly kids". I love this. God talks about the understanding of a child, it's the simple little things that God wants us to see that can make the biggest difference in life. On the flip side, with age and maturity comes a deeper understanding in so many things. Learning to live alone, in my own space has been hard to get used to. 7 people, 3 home jobs, and homeschooling all in a 4 bedroom house, to just me in about half that space... yeah weird. But God has been using the opportunity to show me who he made me on a much deeper level. Beyond the purple hair and tattoos, he created me to be a light in much darkness... In this world and beyond things seen and understood. I always thought I had a decent confidence level, living alone however it is really easy to get down on myself when there is no one there to telling me I look good every morning, like my little brother Sam always did. Or to tell me that I am precious as I walk out the door like my Mom always did. The approving smiles of my Dad, the hugs and jokes from my brothers, these are all the things I was holding onto to get through the day and giving me the truth that I am loved. Without that? I feel worthless. God has been showing me that I am valued, loved, cherished, and even delighted in by HIM...And that is enough. Finding my value and joy in HIM and not because someone else is telling me I'm doing good is so overwhelming. It blows me away. He has always felt that way about me, I see that now, but this is the first time he is telling me through only Him and His Word, not using a person as his mouth piece. Now I am starting to listen. I will soon be a wife and sometime after that, a mother. I stopped typing here because I'm not sure what to say, I don't know what it will be like. I do know that again my life will change drastically. With all my heart I want to be a wife who loves my husband without asking for anything in return, who always has the right thing to say, who supports without question, and who turns to God in all things. Ha. I've already failed more than once at all these things and I'm not even married yet! But I guess that's where God and his grace, and David and his understanding come in. As a mom I KNOW I'll mess up. No matter how hard I try things will go wrong, I will be selfish, I will loose my temper, I will give bad advice... This kills me. How can God use someone as a light who is so flawed in the most important areas of life? I'm in a big girl school and at a big girl job. You can't just speak your mind and your faith everywhere or people will get turned off and God can't use you as effectively. So I let people know where I stand and who I am and what I believe and then let my life prove it.... However, my life is only human and isn't always the light that I feel it should be. Being a light as an adult is much more complicated than it used to be. I've always wanted to be different and stand out so that I could show the love of Christ, some how I've always known how to do that. Now I feel completely lost. I sometimes wish I could be "normal" and fit in and go through the motions of work, school, engagement, marriage, parenting, and everything else just like everyone else does. Then I stop to think... that would be awful! I am the only me, this is my only life on this earth, there are things only I can contribute, and I don't want to waste that. SO! Here's the plan! I will be different and see people how God sees them, and be a light in darkness, and love with a passion only God can give.... God show me how to do this in my grown up life! I have no freakn idea!