This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honer you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me. Continue if you dare ;)

Thursday, August 21, 2008

DOGS!

So around this time last year I posted that my life flashed before my eyes.... and guess what it happened again!

I was going to chemistry (and I'm allllll done now! yay! ) and as i pulled up these three dogs were around my car like wating for me to get out...

now first I have always had nightmares about dogs chasing me... part of the reason I'm up this late...I don't want to sleep. lol

so I'm sitting there thinking maybe I shouldn't get out of the car... but then I'm like "your so being stupid sarah!" so I got out of the car and got my books and everything then started to SLOWLY walk across the street to my teachers house... and they kinda start barking and growling a little... so I kinda started to talk nicely to them (like that would help) and kept walking slowly... then one of them took a step twards me and so I started to back up... then they charged me! so I throw my books at the one nearest me ( I think he was like the leader or something) and hit him in the face and ran behind my car but I had already locked it! so I kept running (and screeming... that was kinda funny) twards the house.... and these dogs were like right on my heals... like biting my pants... they didn't get me though... so I'm running like a crazy woman and my teacher comes out... like 6 months pregnet and starts like charging them with a bat...and I run inside. lol so I'm alive! and the animal control people came I'm pretty sure cuz the neighber (who saw) and my teacher had called them.

So ya I was thinking two things.... 1. here goes my senior gymnastics season... I can't tumble without a calf mucle! and 2. I can't work if I can't walk!
so ya... if you look I think you can relate my teacher to God... and me to... well me... honestly God might just have told me that he is fighting for me because I'm done... even though I can't feel or see him... he is fighting for ME. wow.

So I was reading back on my other blog and that last poem I posted (smile) this was a coment that was left by one of my bestest friends Jen,,,, I think it fits here too...

I wish I could understand your pain better... I wish I could tell you what God's up to with your life... I wish that I could take away the ache in your heart...

You've gotta be tired - you're a warrior of the heavens. The battle's been raging, the scars adding up. I know the sword feels heavy, but God WILL help you lift it once more. Keep on fighting, warrior princess. Keep on fighting - don't let this overcome you. He will give you rest... He will reveal His plan, and it will all make sense... but He works in ways we don't understand - His ways are not our ways.

It IS okay to be angry with God. He wants your honesty. It's okay to tell Him it's about ****** time to show up. Really, it is... if that's what you're feeling. If you start telling Him, He can start working with you.

I don't know if any of this helps... I don't know if anything will right now... keep your head up, Lizzy... you don't have to be strong... HE IS! Rest in the arms of your Abba Father.

I love you.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Smile

Once again I can put on a smile,
Proudly covering it for a while.
Years of work undone,
Back past where it begun.

Nothing is what it used to be,
Not even how I see.
Colors dissapre.,
More and more with every unshed tear.

One little word... HOPE,
Some how always helped me cope.
The word that used to keep me strong,
It's not working... It's gone.

Hope stood up and left,
Or maybe it's theft.
The devil grabbing and stealing,
Any chance I have of healing.

Completely a lone,
What is he doing up on His mighty throne?
Maybe shedding a tear or two,
Like there's nothing He can do!

Friends falling apart,
For once I don't know where to start.
They all say I'm outside the norm,
No idea that behind the smile rages a storm.

Stomic always in knots,
In my head hearing shots.
Eyes aching,
Heart breaking.

Life as a whole,
Is out of my control.
I don't know what to do,
There's no one to hand it to.

Exhausted to no extent,
Every last reserve spent.
Into bed I'm falling,
That's when thoughts come calling.

Friends, Family and their things,
My life, hopes, prayers, wishes, and dreams.
I just wish I knew,
How things will turn out... what good the pain will do.

Shaking it off I put on my mask,
Plaster on a smile and focused on the task.
Laughing, flirting, acting all happy,
So no one will ask and get all sappy.

It drives me crazy,
When I work so hard and others are lazy.
Behind the smile I'm dying,
Yet they're the ones getting hugs and crying.

What will it take for people to see,
Who I am and all that I can be.
Maybe it's my fault for not letting them in,
Could it be I just don't know where to begin.

They all say I'm different some how,
Untouched by the emotion of the here and now.
What they say is true,
I easily blow out a candle and all the emotion too.

Is that the way I want my life to go?
No it's not... But not yet ready to let the emotion show.
My stupid emotion could tear people apart,
I'll just sit and let it burn up my heart.

So for now I'll put on my mask and give a show,
From place to place some how I'll keep my glow.
Praying for God to heal hearts,
To give peace and not pull apart.

Some day He'll revile His plan,
Answers pouring from the open dam.
Until then I'll put on a smile,
Proudly covering it for a while.