This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honor you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me.

Thursday, September 30, 2010


You thought I'd be the one, all the Fing guilt trips. All the tears. I tried so Fing hard! And YOU wouldn't trust ME? BS! You were just scared of yourself. So glad I figured that out... over a year to late. I defended you over and over... your pure motives.

You took EVERYTHING. You know that right? I cried over you AGAIN last night... tonight the tears are regret of any other tears ever shed over you.

Now you've changed me into something I never thought I'd become.

This stops here.

Monday, September 27, 2010


I GOT A CAR $3,000!!!! It's beautiful! Though never thought I'd on a chevy, :/ lol

Amazing people with an amazing heart!!! God provides! Thank you LORD!!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The best day of my... well in a long time!

First full day back at work since I have been sick in bed for a week! YAY!

First thing I walk in at 9:30 AM( not a morning person here lol) and other than small talk as I walk in the door, the first thing anyone says to me is from this guy who was sitting eating breakfast... yes he was cute... he walked past me and did a double take and then said "wow you have really pretty eyes." I said thanks and he shyly walked out the door. What a way to wake up! lol

Then Derek, one of my bestest friends came in to fill out an application and my boss did an interview and highered him on the spot! I'm so excited to help bring some positive into his life and plus I get to see him more! It's going to be so much fun!

I worked with lots of happy people... during slow times in the drive through we kinda read all the kids books that we're putting in our kids meals right now... If You Give A Mouse A Cookie... ya they have like five more like that! It was good times... Kids books are so much less complicated than real life. lol

Later this guy that I had met before that works in the same area came in and said hi. His band had just won a huge thing and it was really cool. :) And yes he's cute and is in a band and I feel like a silly 13 year old girl. lol but hey I'm single! ;)

THEN... I was walking back to the drive through and a guy was in front that looked like this guy that used to come in a lot in the mornings like a year ago. He randomly disapeared... I confess that every time I see a big white van like the one he drove for the company I think of him. Not in a weird way, just wondering where he went. lol So we made eye contact and I almost said something and he almost said something but then I kept walking. But no I went back and was like "you came in here all the time!" his responce... "You STILL work here." ha ha We talked and cought up a little :) He's really a fun guy! He has a buch of new awesome tattoos that he's turning into a sleeve :) He left and came back about 30 min later to get his boss food :) It was fun seeing him again!

Worked the rest of my shift and dad came to pick me up... We went by wal-mart to get some amazingly cool lime green shelves for my room... I get bored and have to change things ;) So I got in line with a few things and the lady in front of me had a whole basket so she told me to go ahead :) very sweet of her :) I payed for my things and I felt like God was saying to pay for some of her stuff... So I handed the cashier some money and asked her to put it twards this lovely lady's total. There jaws dropped and the lady was like "no no no you don't need to!" I smiled and said "I insist and God Bless." and walked off :) Don't you dare tell me ever again that I need drugs to get high... A God-high beats all!

Got home only to be reminded that both Prince of Pursa AND Letters To Juliet came out today! So Stephen and I hopped into the car and went to rent Prince Of Pursa and buy Letters To Juliet (for mom mostly). When I got to the register at the movie store the guy looks at me and puts in some extra numbers and tells me the total is like $16 when it should have been $20. I kinda looked at him and he said, "Thanks for the coupon mam." and winked! Ha ha He told me that if anyone asked I brought it in. lol Sweet guy ;) We walk out of the store and Stephen just looks at me and shakes his head... "I'm going shopping with you from now on! You always get free stuff from guys!" And no I hadn't flirted or anything! I was even in my oh so atractive work clothes. lol

We get home and ate dinner and talked and cleaned the kitchen as a family (well Sam was at the ball game)... all with out ANYONE fighting. (Seth actually randomly looked at me and said I love you! lol we haven't been on great terms lately) lol Then we all go out side and play knock out (basketball game fyi). I even won a game! We were all laughing and having so much fun! It was great family time that I haven't had in a while. Mom and Dad even played! or tried.... ;) shhh they didn't hear that! lol

We come back in and the guys watch Prince Of Pursa (amazing movie btw) and my mother and I layed on her water bed drinking wine, eating cheese and chocolate, and watching Letters To Juliet (someday I'll find a love like that... NOT). AMAZING! I've missed my mommy. Needed girl time (never thought I'd say that... lol) It was so relaxing. Fun. Special. Just what the doctor should have ordered :) I was also texting a few friends who were making me smile :)

As I started this blog Sam walked in the door from the game... the pitcher for the other team had thrown him a ball! He was glowing :) Gave me a big hug as he headed to bed. Pretty much completed my day :)

So yes if a guy is reading this I'm having fun being single ;) Not ready to give that up yet. lol

God is good! I find him in each of these little things that made me smile today :)

I love my friends and family and work family very much!

Now I'm going to fall asleep if I don't stop! lol

Sunday, September 12, 2010

MY Friends

I am who I am.
I am unchanging.
I am always changing.
I am me.

I lay on the cement tonight in the middle of a huge parking lot of an even bigger church. All abandoned now... except for us. My friends. Jennie, Ashley, Catie, Derek, Austyn, & Beau. Looking back at the night it was something that I hadn't experienced before. I didn't have to be anyone or anything but me.

I was at a place (by that I mean with the people, a place of the heart isn't a physical place)where I could raise my hands in praise, pray over friends and people I didn't know, give a crying stranger a squeeze of the hand and a smile, spin in the street, listen to Lady GaGa one min and hymns the next, a friend dressed as Surlock Holmes just cuz he felt like it, walk the parking lot with my best friend singing a silly praise song in crazy acents and know God is loving it and laughing as much as we are, I can wear a big black sweat shirt and feel totally confidant, random jokes, deep convos, hugs all around! I drove off with a picture on my back window of a broken heart that said... "Broken Love. Broken Hearts and Happy Words." Ya they know me pretty darn well. Thanks Austyn!

I guess I never really knew that I could choose my own friends, much less have ones who loved me for me or cared about who I was as much as I cared about them. A REALLY REALLY great (and new) feeling.

I love you guys! Thank you!
I love you God! God please use me...I want to be yours to command.