This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honor you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me.

Sunday, July 18, 2010

No car!

April 7, 2010
A guy in a truck ran a red light as I was turning left across his lane. I saw him at the last second and so I sped up. Thank God. He hit only the part of my car behind the back tire on the drivers side.The frame of the car was pushed off so much that my car was totaled. I was able to keep in in control and pulled off into a gas station where a cop just happened to be sitting. He didn't see the lights or the actual impact but it made me feel so much better to know he was right there.

Turns out the guy didn't have insurance and since they said it was his fault I should have gotten a butt load of money for a new car and a free rental until I could get a car. Instead my insurance covered it... and by covered it I mean they gave me $580 for my car... not exactly enough to get a new car.

Ya. God had some other things in mind... My family has had one car ever since then. Six people who all have insane lives to keep up with and Seth's surgeries. It's been a crazy journey. But Let me share what I've learned.

1* I can't just live life doing my own thing on my plan... 5 other people in my house need the same car I do. Every time I want or need to do something I have to see if I have the car. I can't just up and go I have to think of the needs around me.

2* Killed some pride issues I have... I HATE asking people or help weather it's emotionally, physically, financially, or any other way! lol A. It's stressful not having a car, I'm a little more on edge and need more emotional support B. I have to ask people to take me EVERYWHERE, whether to a friends house or to school or work. C. GAS=$$$$$ so while I've paid people gas money I know they have still spent that money on driving me around... So all those things are really a blow to the ego.. I've known I need to be humbled for a while and maybe this was God's answer to that prayer to be humbled! It worked for sure! Though I have a ways to go I'm sure.

3* As stupid as it is I don't have a car to drive to lunch in at school. If you have been keeping up with this blog at all you know by now that I don't have many friends at school and don't really fit in. I'm well liked and everything but there for a while I for sure didn't have any lunch buddies. Because I like food, that has had to change. lol So I have ended up asking random people if I can tag along to make a lunch run. I've seen that I need to exted myself more and people will open up to me more. I went to lunch with two girls the other day that I never would have if I had had a car... guess what? It was fun! lol So not having a car has made the last few months of beauty school almost enjoyable. :)

4* My family is very very loved! We have had two or three families going out of town and letting us borrow a car! While Seth and I can't drive them because we are under 21 it has been a huge blessing to my parents and to free up our van for us :) It's amazing to see who all has your back when it really comes down to it! So thank you all!

5* Patience. Trust.
Two things I'm really not good at! I have always though I was a patient person. Always thought I didn't get truely angry easy either... But after Two months of hearing "it should be done tomorrow" or "I'll have it to you by friday" or "got the wrong parts again"... I'm freaking DONE! I don't think I've ever had to try to hold my temper this much.. like every time I think about it! sigh. And trusting that God knows what he is doing and if I was supposed to have a car right now I would. Obviously he had a few things to teach me. lol

Well praying I'll have it by the end of this weekend... But not holding my breath ;) I'll let you know though!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Almost Freedom

I'm at a place in my life once again where I feel like I'm drowning.... trying to hold my breth a little longer just until I can push to the top and break the water.... I can finally see the sun shining through... ALMOST THERE.

I will graduate Beauty school early Aug. It's been a year of testing my faith and my sanity. Also, a year of seeing what I'm made of and how I can effect people and stretch my creativity skills. can't wait to be done... ALMOST

I'm stuck under a crap load of debt from school... And just getting ready to be able to start paying it off and get on my feet. ALMOST

I'm single and am living my own life... the way I want to... It's amazing... though I still don't fully know what I want my life to look like. Time will tell. Only God knows. He'll let me in on it some day. ALMOST

I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and when I'm invited somewhere I go. I'm for the first time in my life acutally CHOOSING MY OWN FRIENDS! Spending time with people that can support and love me and have fun.... just as I am... aka there's no need to party or talk a certen way or act any way... I can just be me around these people... even talk about my faith and struggles! I thought I was the only one left... Thank God I'm learning I'm not. ALMOST

I'm trying to understand God's grace and unconditional love. No matter what, no matter where, no matter when, no matter why... He's still there waiting for us. Loving us the same as always ready to forgive us 70 times 7 (witch in bible times was the number for infinity). I'm trying to wrap my mind around this... It's not easy. but. ALMOST

I'm learning to rely on God and know his plan is always best he longs to give us the best... even if it doesn't seem like it at the time... sometines we have to go to boot camp first. We have to loose all control and let God have the mucles in the relationship. Let him do it thing and by golly we need to listen! Trying to open my ears. ALMOST

I'm learning the value of family... I would be so so lost with out them. It's the closest thing to unconditional love of God that I have seen. Where I would be with my family is so so lost... I'm starting to see this now. ALMOST

I look into the light shining in the water... trying to make that last push... relizing I can't do it alone. Suddenly i see many hands and at the lead is my Lord and Savior reaching down pulling me out!