Broken Love

It's been a while so I thought I'd just look at my life for a second and process a few things that have been running through my mind as of late. My goal in life has been to be different, to be a light in darkness, to see life and people through God's eyes. While it has been hard to keep sight of these goals at times it has been the center of my life as long as I can remember. As a kid that meant things like wearing punk or emo clothes... with a big smile. Or being friends with the person everyone thought was weird. Or coloring my hair, getting piercings and tattoos, at the same time as serving in my Church's sunday school. I was the sports girl at school, and the nerd at the gym, I tried everything, so as not to get the one "label" placed on me like everyone else had. These were great things as a teenager, even a young adult. But what now? I'm a grown up. Even sitting here at work on haloween dressed up like Rainbow Bright (if you haven't read the

Well since no one reads this any more I fee like I can be totally honest. I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do. I'm going through life more and more alone every day. I'm just trying to hold everyone together. Best friend is getting married, there is always drama that comes with a wedding. My other best friend I'm pretty sure just hates me and I don't know how to even start repairing our friendship. My mom was in two accidents in the past six months and is far from herself. I just got engaged and my family has no money, but everyone is planning a big wedding anyways. I never see my Fiancee except when he comes home from work just long enough to kiss me before he crashes. I feel so so far away from God and I feel guily every time I talk to him and I know that feeling is not from him but from the Devil but I'm not strong enough to fight it alone, and everyone else is to busy to help. I'm just so alone and breaking.

Tonight I danced with God, The rain spraying my face. I whisper into the night, "I love you God". The wind spinning around me rushes, Hugging me close. I all but hear the words, "I. Love. You." Love pulses through my veins, Reaching every part of my bean. A love so pure, Untainted by the sin of this world. So vast, I know it will never leave me. A love so real, Doubt doesn't stand a chance. I reach my arms to the heavens, And twirl. I am a little girl again, Spinning for the world. Showing off the beauty, You created me to be. Pure and real, I am what I am. Setting free the strength and joy, You in-beaded in me. Fully expecting your delight, Your pride in me. The scent of the sweet bosoms, From the strong tree. They float on the wind, engulfing me in your pleasure. So full of love and delight, I sigh a "Thank You". I turn and go inside, Whole and beautiful once more.

A disease slowly, Seeping through my veins. Shredding it's cold, Deadly poison. Replacing any warmth, With frigid toxins. Fingers of ice, Finally closing around my heart. Every touch of warmth, Finds me retreating. Hiding safely, Behind the wall of ice. Soon the ice melts, Leaving me with nothing. No cold, No warmth. I am a walking corps, Empty. Words and feelings echo, In the hallow thing they call my body. It so cruelly, Keeps me alive. Walking blindly in life, As though I'm dead. I am a... Cold, Hallow, Empty, Corpse.

Seth first stepped on the hockey rink at the age of nine. Later, he told me he was, "fully dressed and ready for practice, except for my skates. Mom and Dad had to tie those." He grew up playing every sport he could get his hands, foot, bat, stick, or glove on. It wasn't until he found the fast paced, physical, and challenging sport of hockey that he fell in love. When a friend's dad signed up to coach his son in hockey, Seth thought he'd tag along. Little did we know that the small boy with a crooked-smile who kicked around a ball would become the devoted, competitive, determined hockey player and man he is today. Seth is my big-little brother; though I am older, he towers over me. At eighteen, Seth has played hockey nearly half his life, and we have watched his love and passion for the sport only grow stronger. Currently, he is the assistant captain on the AAA hockey team in Utah, which is quite a feat for anyone in this highly competitive sport. However, Seth

For my tenth birthday my aunt and uncle gave me a short children's book called, You Are Special. The book is set in a village made up of little wooden puppets called, Wemicks. The puppets run around all day trying to impress each other with how talented, beautiful, or smart they are. Each one has a box of star stickers to stick on other Wemicks when what they see pleases them, and a box of dot stickers to give to others when they fail. How many stars or dots a puppet has determine how popular they are. In the story we first meet a small, not-so-handsome, clumsy, tongue tied, puppet named, Punchinello. He has been given many dots by the puppets around him. Eventually he meets the woodcarver. My favorite part of the book is when the woodcarver puts his hands on Punchinello's shoulders and says, "You are special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes." Looking back over my life these words had an amazing impact. When my aunt and uncle gave me this book for m