This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honor you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me.

Monday, May 31, 2010

If only you could see

My School Girls,

If only you could see.
See the real me.
The crazy one.
The fun one.

I love to party.
I love people.
Every person.
You're all special.

I'm really quite loud.
I hardly shut up in group settings.
Unless it's to watch.
Seeing who people really are.

I love to listen.
Listen to heart ache.
Listen to joys.
Laughter and tears are my favorite.

I wish you could see me.
High with out drugs.
Drunk with out wine.
Content with out sex.

It's possible you know.
A good time with out regret.
A party with out wild times.
Loving life.

I hate to run.
I love to run.
To let go.
Be free.

Friends are the only things that keep me.
I have so so many.
I walk in.
EVERYONE knows my name if I want them to or not.

I love coming home.
Feeling known and loved.
For who I am.

I know that's not life anymore.
I'm at it alone.
Nameless in the world.
Just another person praying to make a mark.

I wish you could see.
Jesus who sees you.
Forgives you.
Loves you.

I pray.
You will someday feel that only unconscionable love.
Only He can give.
Joy only from him.

I wish I could be used.
That person who shows.
But I don't know how.
I'm not worthy to show.

I love each of you.
More than you know.
I pray for each of you.
Probably more than you'd like.

If only you could see.

As a prisoner for the Lord, then I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle: be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephes. 4:1-2

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Trapped Freedom

Wasn't enough,
Not enough,
Never enough.
What to change?
What to find?
Who to be?
Not a perfect fit,
Is it possible?
How is so wrong,
So right?
Just a smile,
That reaches your eyes,
Makes you laugh.
For that,
Not this,
Not me.
Just a tear,
A sob,
Freedom to let go.
For this,
Not that,
Not me.
The want,
The desire,
The need.
Feelings, dreams, truth,
For now?
For what?
Pain of love,
Pain of joy,
Pain of tears.
Trying to forget,
Trying to let go,
Trying to breath.
Reaching for light,
Reaching for love,
Reaching for hope.
Possible hope,
Possible joy,
Possible freedom.

Let you're like shine when all else fades

I once told my mom that I think the reason I have so many guys after me all the time is not because they like who I am or are drawn to ME, but the fact that I have a relationship with God and they can see God shinning through me. So I've asked people is that me having a big ego for thinking that God uses me that much? Or is it me thinking so litte of who I am that people can't love me for me? What's the balance?

I often feel like every time God gives me a good close friend (with about 2 exceptions) weather a boyfried or just any friend, that persons life falls apart. (even had friends joke that we can't be firends anymore because they don't want their life to crash. lol) I can be there to help them through it and speak truth and then they are taken away no matter how much I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel like God uses me to help others get through **** and then tosses me aside. I'm left alone. Broken and hurting.

I thought I had fianally found someone who would care about Me and love Me as much as I cared about and loved him. I think I did. But God had other plans.

Now all that's left is to trust God and let him have control. believe that He has something amazing planned... but looking at the track record... not easy.

Funny I had some amazing life lesson and deep thoughts... but now I can't even remember where I was going. ah well I'll fill you in if anything good comes out of this!

Love you!