This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honer you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me. Continue if you dare ;)

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

More Stories....

Just some more stories I thought I'd share to give you some more ideas of how you can "Change The(ir) World".

1. Taking flowers to ladies at the bank :) Those poor ladies get to deal with people and their money... So either it's a really good positive experience or a really hard negitive experience. This is the same with pretty much anyone in the service industry. Giving those ladies flowers was a great way to make them smile, and they got so excited the next time I came in to. It built a good relationship, we now smile and talk every time I go in. :)

2. Thanksgiving night Jennie, Kirsten, and I decided that we HAD to have some McDonalds sweet tea and a movie... yeah it's what we do when we're together. :P We went in and it was pretty busy for 8pm on a holiday. I guess they were thinking everyone would be sleeping drunk on turkey by that time because they didn't have enough people working. The two ladies up front were talking and almost panicing runing around crazy, and the poor guy in the kitchen was cooking all alone. It was just no fun. So as we left we talked to the ladies for a min and just laughed and made them smile. When we got in the car I had three fake (though beautiful) flowers that we decided to take through the drive through... It made their night!!! And we were enjoying it just as much :)

3. This is a story that is easy for ANYONE. After we left McDonalds we had to drop off movies at Block Buster. We went over there and when we pulled up we saw that they were open on thanksgiving too! So instead of using the ousdide drop off we went INSIDE and just told them it was sad they were working on the holiday and we hoped they got extra $$$$$. Jennie and I were talking and we threw out hands up and said HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Kirsten was a little behind and walked in at that point and gave a half hearted HAppY thAnkSGIvinG...! lol It was epic.... they laughed and as we drove away we saw the employees insdie smiling and talking :) Who would have thought that just going inside instead of using the easy outside a store would make someone smile :)

More storied to come.... Lots! Please if you've done something let me know! I love these stories!

Monday, December 20, 2010

CHANGE.



My lovely Jennie and I often talk about "changing the world" one day, we have thoughts and plans and dreams of making this world a better place. Showing God's love and making others smile and bring them colser to him.

But guess what? We've found out that we can't change the world! Darn.

I was frusterated with this fact the other day and talking to David abou it. After letting me ramble (like I often do), Then said this... "Sarah you can't change the "world", but each person lives in their own "world" and THAT world you can change."

Wow. So person by person we can try to change THEIR world and hopfully they will pass it on. Who know's one small act could ripple around the world... WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!

Even if it doesn't we've put a smile on someones face, warmed their heart, maybe even put a seed in their spirit :) Their world was changed.

Now, I'm going to tell you some stories. I'm not telling these to toot my own horn. I haven't told you all these cool stories yet because I don't want to brag, this is all God not me. So here I go.

1. This is where it all sarted. My Lovely Jennie and I were at church one night and they talked about donating money to our sister church in a forgin country. Right before church was over she dissapeared. I knew she had went to get money. lol She also came back with 12 roses (yes this was what that poem was writtenn about). She gave them out to girls. You can't emagin their faces :) I was walking around seeing these flowers and thanking God for the heart that gave these girls flowers, only to find out it was my Jennie. I'd encourage you to read the poem I wrote about this. It's the best example of how a small act can change a world that I have.

2. I fallowed her example. My great friend Jessica was graduaging and I went to buy her our favorite flowers (guber daisies). As I was walking out of the store a lady with two little boys just said, "wow those are beautiful." I said "Yes mam they are" and walked on. I got it my car and God said, "go buy her flowers". I argued asking God if I was supposed to be broke for the sake of others.... DUH! I'd give everything if I can change someone's life. lol So I walked back in and got her flowers, walked around the store until I found her. I gave her two flowers and the recept so people didn't think she took them. lol
She asked me why and I just said that I felt like she needed flowers today. She got tears in her eyes and said, "Yes, yes I do. Thank you." We talked for a few min and she introduced me to her grandsons. We hugged and I said "God bless" and left.
God did somthing in her and in me that moment. :)

3. I had a few flowers from her boque left and so as I was driving I gave them to sevreal people I saw along the street that I felt like God was saying they needed one. One I rember that will always stick with me. I saw and elderly lady on the sidewalk carving something, a stick I think. So I stopped my car and gave her flowers. She spoke no english and I don't think she was all there meantally, but she looked at me saying something, the biggest smile on her face, and she kissed the flowers. Wow. :)

Guess what? God let me keep the last three flowers :) He loves me too!

Well those are just the first few, but this is long and I am sleepy! lol SO I'll give you more ideas later. Really, look what a few flowers did :) To God be the praise!

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Snake!

Every Sunday night after the collage group at church we head across the street to Wendy's for some snacks. These nights are good nights of "interesting" jokes, thoughtful questions, mostly just lots of laughs. But, a few weeks ago it was very different.

I went outside for a min to call my boyfriend (David... yes, he is incredible), When I came back in to one of my friend explaining cutting and the reasons and emotions behind it to others at the table... everyone was dumbfounded. We kept talking and each ended up talking about both past and present struggles we have had... Cutting, alcohol, porn, depression, hate, eating disorders, and other things. For some it wasn't the first time for us to share in a trusting group of friends... for others they had never experianced the non-judgemental, trust, honesty, and love that was there that night. It was very amazing to see hearts open up that had been sealed for so long :) Amazing how God works.

As we were sitting there one of the guys spaced out for a good long while. He does this sometimes.... But when it came time for us to ask him if he had anything to add he had no idea what we were talking about. We filled him in quickly and he sat quiet for a min then steped outside with one of the other guys. The guy he was with came inside asking us if we would pray for our friend.

He was outside experiancing each of our struggles... the desire to cut, feeling of depression, stomic aches, ect. Some people are very sinsitive to the emotions around them and tend to take on the emotions as their own. I've experianced this sevrel times, it's something you have to be able to give to God and pray and let go... not easy. lol

We sat down right there in Wendy's held hands and prayed... We prayed hard. We prayed against the emotions he was taking on, we prayed for protection, we prayed for eachother and strenth for all of us. I would love to know what the people in Wendy's were thinking. lol We prayed for a good 30 min at least.

Once we were done I went out to check on the guy... He was doing better, not amazing but better. I sat talking to him for a few min when our other friend came out. As we were talking I was distracted by something about 5 feet away from where my friend had been sitting for the past 30 min while we prayed for him inside.

I intrupted my friend mid sitance with "Is that a snake?! Can you check? I don't want to."

Sure enough it was a snake (A small black one, gardener probably). We through a rock at it and it was frozen...

This snake was dead, frozen, in the striking position, yes with it's head off the ground and body coiled, about five feet away aimed right at my friend. Wow.

A snake? In the middle of November? In Boulder? In a Wendy's parking lot? Dead with it's head held off the ground? WHAT?

God decided to give a visual for what prayer can do.

It can freeze the enemy.

It can stop him.

It can protect.

Pretty amazing to think about :)

This was totally a God thing!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Change

First off... I passed both the piratical and the written for my cosmetology license! Praise the LORD! Just had to say that :)

So the past few weeks a lot has changed...

1. My ex started dating someone else... LONG story and it's been like 6 months but it hasn't been easy. But it's what I needed to move on. I had moved on in many many ways but there was still this string. It's finally cut. I wish them the best.
Through that God has really been working on my heart. I always thought I was a very forgiving person... I still think I am... But not as much as I thought I was. I'm learning what it's like to forgive through the pain and not hold on to the bitterness... But it's been a very good and enlightening lesson :)

2.I don't know what you my dear readers believe about God giving spiritual gifts in today's world... But I believe whole heartedly that we shouldn't limit the amazing almighty God who are we as his creations to limit him to a time. It just doesn't make sense!
God and I have dived a deeper level the past 6 months. I have given him myself completely. Now he is starting to show me things about myself that I couldn't see before.
I've always been the person that people can feel like they can talk to. I know the deep places in people hidden to the rest of the world. I don't know why but people trust me. Even random people I don't know. lol I have found that I really really understand when people are going though pain... I feel the pain with them. Who knew this was a spiritual gift? lol I also randomly get REALLY worried or depressed for no reason...
Example: The other day I was driving away from work and I got panicked that I or someone else was going to get in a car accident... I thought it was just me being weird since I've had so many car problems... I prayed anyways. I prayed for protection and for no one to die if something did happen... I felt better and drove on home. About an hour later my friend Aiden called... He had been in a accident. At the same time I got scared and started praying. His new car was totaled and it's a miracle that he's alive. I was praying for him without knowing it. Wow.
I'm sure I'll blog more about this later... God and I are still figuring this out.

3. I now have a car. It's beautiful. God knew just what I wanted. I have missed the freedom of my own car.

4. I've been talking to this great guy... You can credit him for my new amazing blog design :) He loves God and people and is BRILLIANT AND CREATIVE... lucky him. lol He loves Converse and poetry. Just all around amazing guy :) His friendship has shown me that I've let my standards for guys slip... a lot. And that there's something better out there. Not going to forget that again.

5. I. Today. Have. My. Cosmetology. License!!!!!!!
So now I have to figure out what I want to do and start paying off some debt! lol I'm ready for anything God sends my way!

There are many other things changing in life... but for now this is what I'll share for now :) Prayers are always welcomed! I love you all and I'm praying for you my friends... I miss you guys!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Judging A Book

MY life is often jumping around. Putting me in the path of people from every place and walk in life.

The biggest extremes I've seen...

1. People who others will put on a pedistool, hold up as something great because of looks or money or life style, the ones everyone envys.

2. People who others look down on, because of tattoos or piercings or lack of money or life style, the ones others ovoid.

I've been around people from both groups quite a bit in the past few weeks.

In the Beauty industry you find a lot of people from the first category. Guess what?!? I can't stand them! They are selfish snobs who only see themselves. Why does our culture hold this life style so high up? Not only the secular culture but Christians too. Yes I know they need God's love too... but I kinda think God didn't build me for that job as much as others.

I met a guy at church last week. He's working on getting both sleeves tattooed, ears and lip pierced, and all around someone that most people would try to put in the second category. This guy is 23 and has his own business, an apartment, works hard, and most of all has a relationship with God. He's been trough hell and back but continues to rise above it and become the man God wants him to be. Yet, our culture ESPECIALLY Christians judge on what they see.

They say it take about 5 seconds to create your oppion of someone. So we look at the beautiful blonde with the nice car and right away think that she is a good person because she looks like she has it all together. Then we look at the crazy tatted guy and decide that he isn't a good guy because he's different from the culture's standard.

So my challage to you today is to take a little longer than 5 seconds to "have someone all figured out". Look at their heart. Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you? Let's take after the heart of God and take a little extra time on the figuring people out thing. Deal?

1 Samuel 16:7 (NLT)
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Pain.

You thought I'd be the one, all the Fing guilt trips. All the tears. I tried so Fing hard! And YOU wouldn't trust ME? BS! You were just scared of yourself. So glad I figured that out... over a year to late. I defended you over and over... your pure motives.

You took EVERYTHING. You know that right? I cried over you AGAIN last night... tonight the tears are regret of any other tears ever shed over you.

Now you've changed me into something I never thought I'd become.

This stops here.

Monday, September 27, 2010

CAR!!!!

I GOT A CAR $3,000!!!! It's beautiful! Though never thought I'd on a chevy, :/ lol

Amazing people with an amazing heart!!! God provides! Thank you LORD!!!!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

The best day of my... well in a long time!

First full day back at work since I have been sick in bed for a week! YAY!

First thing I walk in at 9:30 AM( not a morning person here lol) and other than small talk as I walk in the door, the first thing anyone says to me is from this guy who was sitting eating breakfast... yes he was cute... he walked past me and did a double take and then said "wow you have really pretty eyes." I said thanks and he shyly walked out the door. What a way to wake up! lol

Then Derek, one of my bestest friends came in to fill out an application and my boss did an interview and highered him on the spot! I'm so excited to help bring some positive into his life and plus I get to see him more! It's going to be so much fun!

I worked with lots of happy people... during slow times in the drive through we kinda read all the kids books that we're putting in our kids meals right now... If You Give A Mouse A Cookie... ya they have like five more like that! It was good times... Kids books are so much less complicated than real life. lol

Later this guy that I had met before that works in the same area came in and said hi. His band had just won a huge thing and it was really cool. :) And yes he's cute and is in a band and I feel like a silly 13 year old girl. lol but hey I'm single! ;)

THEN... I was walking back to the drive through and a guy was in front that looked like this guy that used to come in a lot in the mornings like a year ago. He randomly disapeared... I confess that every time I see a big white van like the one he drove for the company I think of him. Not in a weird way, just wondering where he went. lol So we made eye contact and I almost said something and he almost said something but then I kept walking. But no I went back and was like "you came in here all the time!" his responce... "You STILL work here." ha ha We talked and cought up a little :) He's really a fun guy! He has a buch of new awesome tattoos that he's turning into a sleeve :) He left and came back about 30 min later to get his boss food :) It was fun seeing him again!

Worked the rest of my shift and dad came to pick me up... We went by wal-mart to get some amazingly cool lime green shelves for my room... I get bored and have to change things ;) So I got in line with a few things and the lady in front of me had a whole basket so she told me to go ahead :) very sweet of her :) I payed for my things and I felt like God was saying to pay for some of her stuff... So I handed the cashier some money and asked her to put it twards this lovely lady's total. There jaws dropped and the lady was like "no no no you don't need to!" I smiled and said "I insist and God Bless." and walked off :) Don't you dare tell me ever again that I need drugs to get high... A God-high beats all!

Got home only to be reminded that both Prince of Pursa AND Letters To Juliet came out today! So Stephen and I hopped into the car and went to rent Prince Of Pursa and buy Letters To Juliet (for mom mostly). When I got to the register at the movie store the guy looks at me and puts in some extra numbers and tells me the total is like $16 when it should have been $20. I kinda looked at him and he said, "Thanks for the coupon mam." and winked! Ha ha He told me that if anyone asked I brought it in. lol Sweet guy ;) We walk out of the store and Stephen just looks at me and shakes his head... "I'm going shopping with you from now on! You always get free stuff from guys!" And no I hadn't flirted or anything! I was even in my oh so atractive work clothes. lol

We get home and ate dinner and talked and cleaned the kitchen as a family (well Sam was at the ball game)... all with out ANYONE fighting. (Seth actually randomly looked at me and said I love you! lol we haven't been on great terms lately) lol Then we all go out side and play knock out (basketball game fyi). I even won a game! We were all laughing and having so much fun! It was great family time that I haven't had in a while. Mom and Dad even played! or tried.... ;) shhh they didn't hear that! lol

We come back in and the guys watch Prince Of Pursa (amazing movie btw) and my mother and I layed on her water bed drinking wine, eating cheese and chocolate, and watching Letters To Juliet (someday I'll find a love like that... NOT). AMAZING! I've missed my mommy. Needed girl time (never thought I'd say that... lol) It was so relaxing. Fun. Special. Just what the doctor should have ordered :) I was also texting a few friends who were making me smile :)

As I started this blog Sam walked in the door from the game... the pitcher for the other team had thrown him a ball! He was glowing :) Gave me a big hug as he headed to bed. Pretty much completed my day :)

So yes if a guy is reading this I'm having fun being single ;) Not ready to give that up yet. lol

God is good! I find him in each of these little things that made me smile today :)

I love my friends and family and work family very much!

Now I'm going to fall asleep if I don't stop! lol
GOODNIGHT!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

MY Friends

I am who I am.
I am unchanging.
I am always changing.
I am me.

I lay on the cement tonight in the middle of a huge parking lot of an even bigger church. All abandoned now... except for us. My friends. Jennie, Ashley, Catie, Derek, Austyn, & Beau. Looking back at the night it was something that I hadn't experienced before. I didn't have to be anyone or anything but me.

I was at a place (by that I mean with the people, a place of the heart isn't a physical place)where I could raise my hands in praise, pray over friends and people I didn't know, give a crying stranger a squeeze of the hand and a smile, spin in the street, listen to Lady GaGa one min and hymns the next, a friend dressed as Surlock Holmes just cuz he felt like it, walk the parking lot with my best friend singing a silly praise song in crazy acents and know God is loving it and laughing as much as we are, I can wear a big black sweat shirt and feel totally confidant, random jokes, deep convos, hugs all around! I drove off with a picture on my back window of a broken heart that said... "Broken Love. Broken Hearts and Happy Words." Ya they know me pretty darn well. Thanks Austyn!

I guess I never really knew that I could choose my own friends, much less have ones who loved me for me or cared about who I was as much as I cared about them. A REALLY REALLY great (and new) feeling.

I love you guys! Thank you!
I love you God! God please use me...I want to be yours to command.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Jennie (Then She Handed Me A Flower)

1
I had a bad day.
A boy broke my heart.
I feel worthless, ugly, and alone.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me I am precious, beautiful, and loved.
2
I had a bad day.
Mom drank to much and locked me out.
I'm confused, hurt, and unsure.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God has a plan even when I don't.
3
I had a bad day.
First day of school.
Wandering the campus alone and scared.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me that God my best friend will bless me.
4
I had a bad day.
My Dad touched me for the last time.
Heart and body shaking and broken.
The she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God has made me peaceful and whole.
5
I had a bad day.
Night mares flooded again.
Seeing her face, the face I destroyed.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God was holding her forever.
6
I had a bad day.
Lost my job, car wouldn't start, and rent is due.
Feeling like a failure and hopeless.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God provides and gives hope.
7
I had a bad day.
Looking in the mirror seeing only trash.
Cuts hidden show my strength and weekness.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me to let him to be strong when I'm weak.
8
I had a bad day.
Homework due and the baby is sick.
Always behind, unable to catch up.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God will send relief and joy.
9
I had a bad day.
Parents yelling and fighting again.
Emotions of anger, fear, and uncertenty.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me of the security and protection of my creator.
10
I had a bad day.
My teacher told me I was stupid in front of the class.
Passion, anger, and remorse fill my mind.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me that God has my back and stands behind me.
11
I had a bad day.
The scale read 92 lbs.
It dawns I have a problem as dread grips me.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me I can do all things through Christ.
12
I had a bad day.
Life was over wealming the gun was waiting at home.
Dead emotions no reason to live.
Then she handed me a flower,
It saved my life.

12 Roses
12 People
12 Lives

1 Person listening to God's prompting.
What would happen if we all listened a little better?
12 x ?
How many lives changed?
How many people saved?
Think about that.

Thank you my best friend. You have inspired me. You DO make a difference. I love you!

car update

So fyi God does amazing things in the worst ways!!! My beautiful 2001 subaru impreza is totaled. But funny story this is the FIFTH time it has been totaled... didn't know that when I bought it. If you know anything about cars you know that if it's been totaled at all everything under the hood is probably going to have many problems down the road. BUT FOUR TIMES?!?! and that was before I got it. sigh Lots of schamming going on by a lot of people. Sigh... But God knew what he was doing and really probably saved my butt in the long run.

Monday, August 23, 2010

NOT WANTED! NOT WANTED! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

So pretty much unless you wear a robe, sandles, have a beard, and love people with a love out of this world... I'M NOT GOING TO DATE YOU!

Yes that's right. God has the key to my heart... Heck he's got the heart too! I'm so done playing stupid games with my heart and all of yours. I'm single. I'm staying single. I'm done with stupid emotions.

Jesus is the only one that has enough love to go around to other people and still have some left over for me. The only one that listens to me and wants to get to know me as much as I want to get to know him. He's the only one that cares about my heart. The only one that I can count on not to cheat or lie or just be a stupid person.

When a guy can show me the heart of christ... I'll think about it... and until then I'm off the market people! For your own heart's heath stop trying!!!

Only God has the magic thread that can fix my broken heart... trust me you don't want my heart until he works on it some more...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

WHAT IS IT?

What is it?

The look in his eyes?
The way he holds you?
Every sweet touch?
Crazy memories?
Cute thoughtful gifts?
The promise of forever?

What is it?

Is it his frown?
The way he tests?
Every push of boundries?
Crazy guilt?
Cute begging?
A word to "teach" you?
The promise of being the only one?

What is it?

Is it when he turns?
Looking at another?
Lying to you?
Tears that poor?
Lost without you?
Crazy words?

Is THAT what it is?
Is THAT Love?
Is THAT all I have?

No.

There has to be more.
More to look forward to.
Something sweet.
Guilt free.

God is the writter,
This is my fairy tale.
I will take back control,
Hand it back to God.

NO he's not aloud to control,
NOT aloud to test.
NO more pushing
NO cheating.

This story is mine,
This story is God's
A book I will eddit,
Over and over till the end.

Red corections cover the pages,
Showing places to change.
The red marks tell me,
Jesus' red marks heal mine.

We're a team,
God and I.
Together forever.
No more cheating.

TRUE LOVE

Car....

FINALLY got my car!

Seth picked me up from school in my car... Got in the car to drive home and head to work... so so excited to drive it for the first time...

Lots of traffic... I didn't see... turned... got hit.

Car can't be drien again.

GAG!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

No car!

April 7, 2010
A guy in a truck ran a red light as I was turning left across his lane. I saw him at the last second and so I sped up. Thank God. He hit only the part of my car behind the back tire on the drivers side.The frame of the car was pushed off so much that my car was totaled. I was able to keep in in control and pulled off into a gas station where a cop just happened to be sitting. He didn't see the lights or the actual impact but it made me feel so much better to know he was right there.

Turns out the guy didn't have insurance and since they said it was his fault I should have gotten a butt load of money for a new car and a free rental until I could get a car. Instead my insurance covered it... and by covered it I mean they gave me $580 for my car... not exactly enough to get a new car.

Ya. God had some other things in mind... My family has had one car ever since then. Six people who all have insane lives to keep up with and Seth's surgeries. It's been a crazy journey. But Let me share what I've learned.

1* I can't just live life doing my own thing on my plan... 5 other people in my house need the same car I do. Every time I want or need to do something I have to see if I have the car. I can't just up and go I have to think of the needs around me.

2* Killed some pride issues I have... I HATE asking people or help weather it's emotionally, physically, financially, or any other way! lol A. It's stressful not having a car, I'm a little more on edge and need more emotional support B. I have to ask people to take me EVERYWHERE, whether to a friends house or to school or work. C. GAS=$$$$$ so while I've paid people gas money I know they have still spent that money on driving me around... So all those things are really a blow to the ego.. I've known I need to be humbled for a while and maybe this was God's answer to that prayer to be humbled! It worked for sure! Though I have a ways to go I'm sure.

3* As stupid as it is I don't have a car to drive to lunch in at school. If you have been keeping up with this blog at all you know by now that I don't have many friends at school and don't really fit in. I'm well liked and everything but there for a while I for sure didn't have any lunch buddies. Because I like food, that has had to change. lol So I have ended up asking random people if I can tag along to make a lunch run. I've seen that I need to exted myself more and people will open up to me more. I went to lunch with two girls the other day that I never would have if I had had a car... guess what? It was fun! lol So not having a car has made the last few months of beauty school almost enjoyable. :)

4* My family is very very loved! We have had two or three families going out of town and letting us borrow a car! While Seth and I can't drive them because we are under 21 it has been a huge blessing to my parents and to free up our van for us :) It's amazing to see who all has your back when it really comes down to it! So thank you all!

5* Patience. Trust.
Two things I'm really not good at! I have always though I was a patient person. Always thought I didn't get truely angry easy either... But after Two months of hearing "it should be done tomorrow" or "I'll have it to you by friday" or "got the wrong parts again"... I'm freaking DONE! I don't think I've ever had to try to hold my temper this much.. like every time I think about it! sigh. And trusting that God knows what he is doing and if I was supposed to have a car right now I would. Obviously he had a few things to teach me. lol

Well praying I'll have it by the end of this weekend... But not holding my breath ;) I'll let you know though!

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Almost Freedom

I'm at a place in my life once again where I feel like I'm drowning.... trying to hold my breth a little longer just until I can push to the top and break the water.... I can finally see the sun shining through... ALMOST THERE.



I will graduate Beauty school early Aug. It's been a year of testing my faith and my sanity. Also, a year of seeing what I'm made of and how I can effect people and stretch my creativity skills. can't wait to be done... ALMOST



I'm stuck under a crap load of debt from school... And just getting ready to be able to start paying it off and get on my feet. ALMOST



I'm single and am living my own life... the way I want to... It's amazing... though I still don't fully know what I want my life to look like. Time will tell. Only God knows. He'll let me in on it some day. ALMOST



I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and when I'm invited somewhere I go. I'm for the first time in my life acutally CHOOSING MY OWN FRIENDS! Spending time with people that can support and love me and have fun.... just as I am... aka there's no need to party or talk a certen way or act any way... I can just be me around these people... even talk about my faith and struggles! I thought I was the only one left... Thank God I'm learning I'm not. ALMOST



I'm trying to understand God's grace and unconditional love. No matter what, no matter where, no matter when, no matter why... He's still there waiting for us. Loving us the same as always ready to forgive us 70 times 7 (witch in bible times was the number for infinity). I'm trying to wrap my mind around this... It's not easy. but. ALMOST

I'm learning to rely on God and know his plan is always best he longs to give us the best... even if it doesn't seem like it at the time... sometines we have to go to boot camp first. We have to loose all control and let God have the mucles in the relationship. Let him do it thing and by golly we need to listen! Trying to open my ears. ALMOST

I'm learning the value of family... I would be so so lost with out them. It's the closest thing to unconditional love of God that I have seen. Where I would be with my family is so so lost... I'm starting to see this now. ALMOST

I look into the light shining in the water... trying to make that last push... relizing I can't do it alone. Suddenly i see many hands and at the lead is my Lord and Savior reaching down pulling me out!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Old boys.... Random

These are random poems that I never really finished... all written about a guy I dated. I never really finished any of them for a number of reasons. 1 I lost them and just found them in a random note book. lol 2 The relationship ended. 3 It hurts to much to finnish.
So here's a small look into my guys. :) (all of wich I still love as dear friends fyi )

Guys are sometimes rude,
Nearly always crude.
BUT, sometimes they can be totally sweet,
I mean having a guy look at you is really neat.
He's as cute as a bug,
When he gives you a hug.
But where are his eyes staring?
Dont you think that's a little daring?
But then he lightly touches your hand,
Oh the tingle down yor spine is so grand!
What does he say when you're not around?
Is he talking to his friends and putting you down?
When he says something to make you blush,
Your heart just turns to mush.
You give a long sigh,
With so much happiness how could one die?
But then you blink,
And so much faster than you think.
You grew up,
Almost as fast as filling a cup.
When you look deep in the core,
You know it just won't work anymore.
Then it's done,
Just as fast as it begun.
Lord take care of him,
Don't let his vission dim.
Let him live for you,
And for the girl he will some day marry too.

(okay I did kinda finish that one ;P lol)


Alone in the car,
Watching the world flash by.
Rain splish splashing,
I notice I'm smiling.
But why?

The song on the radio?
I listin closely
No, to depressing.
This smile is something bigger.

The rain drizzling down?
Beautiful in every way.
But that's not it,
This smile is something newer.

I'm smiling for you.

The twinkle in your eyes,
Your dorky smile,
The caring voice,
I miss you.

The way you poke fun,
Your artistic twist,
The helpless confidance,
I miss you.

The unique way of thinking,
Your beautiful words,
The smell telling me you're near,
I miss you.

The soft switch,
Your fingers poaking my ribs,
The fallowing puppy,
I miss you.

The way you held me,
Your arms pulling me close,
The sweet complaments,
I miss you.

The person I wanted to tell erything to,
You simply listin,
The person I wanted to know anything,
I miss you.

The way you put my arms around you,
Your soft gentel lips on mine,
The way you never let go,
I miss you.

I'm so screwed up!
I don't know what I think.
Fear and desire,
Twisted into one.

Yes then no,
Then yes again.
Make up your D*** mind!
How can you be this lost!?

Shame and guilt,
Over rides every emotion.
I'm so stupid!
All I can say.

I was wrong,
You don't know or understand,
So how could you care?

Not your fault,
you can't help it,
You just don't understand me.

I thought I'd found someone,
Who loved me for me,
Every part.

Impossible,
Things that make me smile,
Give you a frown.

Jealousy and Anger,
So important to you,
I hate them.

I've tried,
For days,
I've tried.

You brush me off,
Like an annoying fly,
Something you wish to leave you alone.

I just want to be there,
Can't always be in person,
Is that really required?

I hve to be in your arms,
For you to know,
I care.

My life bursting,
Bursting at the seams,
Held together by a thred.

Thought you knew,
Thought you understood,
Thought you cared.

You can't love,
What you don't understand,
That's me.

Praying to forget,
Praying for change,
Praying for reason.

Wishing to wake up,
From the nightmare,
One more day with out you.

Laying my head down,
Each night praying,
Waking up to you by my side.

Opening my eyes,
Each morning realizing,
The nightmare = reality.

Rolling out of bed,
Tears in my eyes,
Wondering how to live another day.

Alone.

Stepping under the warm waterfall,
Rembering your smile,
Tears and water the same.

Alone.

Reaching for clothes,
Pants, shirts, shoes,
Memories attached to each.

Alone.

Sending the words,
Once brightened your day,
Eyes fill with liquid emotion.

Alone.

Breathing deep,
Praying for strength,
Yet another day from hell.

Alone.

Ears suddenly alert,
Hearing the wonderful words,
You Make Me Smile.

Alone.

Monday, May 31, 2010

If only you could see

My School Girls,

If only you could see.
See the real me.
The crazy one.
The fun one.

I love to party.
I love people.
Every person.
You're all special.

I'm really quite loud.
I hardly shut up in group settings.
Unless it's to watch.
Seeing who people really are.

I love to listen.
Listen to heart ache.
Listen to joys.
Laughter and tears are my favorite.

I wish you could see me.
High with out drugs.
Drunk with out wine.
Content with out sex.

It's possible you know.
A good time with out regret.
A party with out wild times.
Loving life.

I hate to run.
I love to run.
To let go.
Be free.

Friends are the only things that keep me.
I have so so many.
I walk in.
EVERYONE knows my name if I want them to or not.

I love coming home.
Feeling known and loved.
For who I am.
Cherished.

I know that's not life anymore.
I'm at it alone.
Nameless in the world.
Just another person praying to make a mark.

I wish you could see.
Jesus who sees you.
Forgives you.
Loves you.

I pray.
You will someday feel that only unconscionable love.
Only He can give.
Joy only from him.

I wish I could be used.
That person who shows.
But I don't know how.
I'm not worthy to show.

I love each of you.
More than you know.
I pray for each of you.
Probably more than you'd like.

If only you could see.


As a prisoner for the Lord, then I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle: be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephes. 4:1-2



Sunday, May 2, 2010

Trapped Freedom

Wasn't enough,
Not enough,
Never enough.
What to change?
What to find?
Who to be?
Not a perfect fit,
Different,
Is it possible?
Love,
How is so wrong,
So right?
Just a smile,
That reaches your eyes,
Makes you laugh.
For that,
Not this,
Not me.
Just a tear,
A sob,
Freedom to let go.
For this,
Not that,
Not me.
The want,
The desire,
The need.
Maybe?
Soon?
Someday?
Feelings.
Dreams.
Truth.
Feelings, dreams, truth,
Spinning,
Contredicting.
Lost.
For now?
Forever?
For what?
Taken.
Pain of love,
Pain of joy,
Pain of tears.
Broken.
Trying to forget,
Trying to let go,
Trying to breath.
Frozen.
Reaching for light,
Reaching for love,
Reaching for hope.
Weak.
Possible hope,
Possible joy,
Possible freedom.
God.

Let you're like shine when all else fades

I once told my mom that I think the reason I have so many guys after me all the time is not because they like who I am or are drawn to ME, but the fact that I have a relationship with God and they can see God shinning through me. So I've asked people is that me having a big ego for thinking that God uses me that much? Or is it me thinking so litte of who I am that people can't love me for me? What's the balance?





I often feel like every time God gives me a good close friend (with about 2 exceptions) weather a boyfried or just any friend, that persons life falls apart. (even had friends joke that we can't be firends anymore because they don't want their life to crash. lol) I can be there to help them through it and speak truth and then they are taken away no matter how much I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel like God uses me to help others get through **** and then tosses me aside. I'm left alone. Broken and hurting.

I thought I had fianally found someone who would care about Me and love Me as much as I cared about and loved him. I think I did. But God had other plans.

Now all that's left is to trust God and let him have control. believe that He has something amazing planned... but looking at the track record... not easy.

Funny I had some amazing life lesson and deep thoughts... but now I can't even remember where I was going. ah well I'll fill you in if anything good comes out of this!

Love you!
xoxo

Thursday, February 4, 2010

THIS WORLD SUCKS!

This world.

I have lived in this world for 18 years... Never REALLY fit in... Always something different.

BUT THIS!??!?!

I love my school. I love what I do. I love learning. I love the teachers.

I hate the girrlie girl feel. I hate the gossip. I hate the back stabbing. I hate the "seeing how much we can get away with". I hate the constent sex talk. I hate the minipulation. I hate the partying. Friends turning on friends.

Sorry not exactly a place I can fit into. Sure people are nice but I have no one to sit with. Eat lunch with. Talk with during the long hours of standing there doing hair. Just lonely.

I was in tears the other night in the arms of my hero (dustin), saying that I don't fit in and that this world is crule and noone loves anymore. He looked at me and smile. "Good. I'm glad you don't fit in. According to God his fallowers never really fit into this world. You're not suposed to fit in."

Well dang!

That changed my out look on what I was feeling. I got up the next morning and headed to school with a smile on my face. Everytime soething happened to make me feel out of place I just smiled! No it's not easy, but all I had to think is that I have a best friend in heaven and he is the biggest most loving most important frien to have and he is MINE. I just wish some of these girls could experiance that. I know there would be a lot less of the things I hate if they did. Who knows. Maybe I can show them that they have another opption. Maybe not. I'll see what God feels like doing ;) For now I'll keep that mind set for seven more months and get through some how. :)

So please guys if you can pray for me. Pray for strength. For Hope. Love. Faith. All that good stuff... and maybe even a friend ( I sound like I'm in kindergarden lol). Anyone to even just be real with and talk to. I'm hurtting and missrible most days.

I miss you all more than you can imagin. Praying for each of you. Please know that if you ever need anything I'm still here... just don't answer my phone as much :( I love you all like crazy! My friends.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

BLA

I'm sorry. I have no life. No life to give to you. I'm in school 44 hours a week. Working right after that three nights a week. I was always there. Now I can't be. I'm sorry.
I'm doing my best.
Forgive me.