This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honer you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me. Continue if you dare ;)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

The Track

Every time I think I'm done it's back,
As if I was running on a track.
Far away I think I'm done,
Looking up only to see that I have more to run.

Wanting to jump the circle... round and round,
Yet there is something keeping me bound.
Begging till I'm emotionally dead,
God why can't I cut the thread!?

Whatever it is in which I'm stuck,
The place where I'm out of luck.
Not knowing wheat I'm supposed to learn,
Where emotions and pain sear and burn.

Memories everywhere I go,
Ice cream, stores, or a show.
Each flash back stabbing and hurting,
Pulling me back to when life was about enjoying.

Back to where I started,
To that night we parted.
Tears streaming,
Each one full of meaning.

Not sure what to do with emotion,
Easy just to shut it in a tin.
Binding it tight so no one sees my need,
Holding the wound so no one can see it bleed.

This is where I am,
No longer telling you I can.
No longer in a circle, but straight in line I'll go,
Some day, even to me the pain will no longer show.

May that day come fast,
And for a long while last.
Filling me from above,
With hope and love.

Numb

Surrounded by color,
Blind.
Vibranceness overwhelming,
Blind.

Music floating through life,
Deaf.
Tapping, whistling, strumming,
Deaf.

Soft velvet to the finger tips,
Nothing.
Puppy slobber on the face,
Nothing.

Fresh apple pie and rain,
Scentless.
Sweet roses and sexy cologne,
Scentless.

Mac and cheese,
Tasteless.
Mint chocolate chip ice cream,
Tasteless.

Laughter and smiles,
Numb.
Hugs and tears,
Numb.

Monday, July 21, 2008

AIR MASK!

"If needed the oxygen masks will drop above the seat in front of you. Please place it completely over your mouth and nose. Do not proceed to help those around you until it is tightly on and you are breathing normally. "

So I was 9 I think and I went to Hawaii and when the video on the airplane said that I was stunned! Why would I give myself air before my little brothers could breath? They needed me to be there for them, to save them. Wouldn't it be selfish to save myself first? I would much rather die than to have my little brothers taken from me.

And then there is that verse in the Bible where Jesus talks about taking the plank out of your eye before removing if from your friends. Dude if me and hannah banana were both in pain with wood in our eyes and I could help her and be in pain just a little longer to to help her feel better faster... I would! Sounded to me like Jesus was pretty selfish!

But over the past few years I have been doing a lot of travlling and flying and I listened to that safety thing over and over..... adn I finally got it. If I was fainting for lack of air then I wouln't be able to help the people around me. But if I could breath and they passed out I knew I could still help them, but that's only because I was stable.

And that Bible verse... well if I couldn't see out of one of my eyes and tried to help Hannah... dude I could poke out Her eye and make everything worse because I couldn't see what I was doing!

I have to stop and think sometimes... I have had a reallllllllly hard past few weeks... sorry I haven't blogged in a while... Normally when life falls apart I look at others and try to fix their problems... don't get me wrong I love helping people! LOVE IT. But when I'm all messed up and trying to figure my life out I can't help the people around me in a healthy way for either of us.

It's been almost a month of being depressed and hurting... but I have learned to not answer a text, phone call, email. When I do get these crys for help then I can just tell then I love them and send up a prayer and let it be in Gods hands. Sometimes when I'm really worried about something I have to walk to the throne of God and lay that person and their stuff down and walk away. Because... news flash....

I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING!

But GOD can.

When I figured this out and then could go crying to my best friends then I can really start to breath again... all the crap is still there but it's not ONLY on my sholders. I have friends and God.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Heroes

My Heroes would be Carly Patterson... 2004 all around gold gymnast. Ya'll are going to laugh but Hillary Duff... because she is almost as big of a star as a lot of people but she isn't a slut, doesn't cuss, or anything like that she is a good roll model for all the younger girls. And ya my parents...My Dad is one of the strongest most faith filled people I know, he listens to God and follows with out question. My Mom is like my best friend... always there to listen and tell me how smart, stupid, logical, emotional, strong, or just weird I'm being. The arms that hold me when I cry, the soft voice that sings and prays me to sleep.
My little brother... he is 15 but will always be the little boy that I gave the blue bunny to the day he was born... except now he is tall and toned and... well a brat! I wouldn't have it any other way... he is my phycolagest and joker all in one... the shoulder to cry on even if it's stupid girl things... the one that's saying it's ok to sit and cry and eat ice cream and watch stupid movies, and some times he'll even sit there with me. That's a true best friend.
Hannah Banana, Ashley, Jennie, Esther, Josiah, Angela... They have all been there through everything... even if I push them away. They are all so influential and have really worn proudly the clothes of leader. They all have dreams... some change daily... but the fact that they follow God with all their hearts is more heroic than anything I can think of.
But really Miss Maggie is amazing!!! If you know her at all I'm sure you agree! She is sooo amazing and so is her husband and boys. Jeff even though I am like way younger and I know can be that annoying little sister sometimes has always been there to listen and laugh at and with me. He has also trusted me with things in his life... it takes a strong person to do that. Zack not only is he one of the most amazing song writers and singers ever but he is someone who will stand and fight when everyone else has given up. He is the person who has pulled me though so much that I don't think anyone else could. He lets me ramble and then rambles right back (if you get him in the right mood ;] ). He is strong and always wanting to push through and be better.

They have ALL always been there and are people I would say are heroes.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Trapped

Swrelling around in my head.
needles poking, nails driving.
Knife of sorrow to the heart.

Confusion billowing.
searching for truth.
Begging for joy.

Lost in the cloud.
Drowning in uncertainties.
Sinking to hopelessness.

Fighting against nourishment.
Wishing for the ideal.
Always wanting... never satisfied.

Love here, gone, then back again.
Soft surrounding security.
Two languages to speak.

Iron wall like a damn.
Punching, yet not a dent.
Trapped by the one with the key.

Emptiness is all that's felt.
Loud silence is all that's heard.
Darkness is all that's seen.

Annoying buzz.
Chilling breeze.
Space is the only thing near.

Beams of joyful hope.
A day, a night, a moment.
Covered by storm clouds.

No way to let go.
No way to move on.
No way to get out.

Stuck.
Unmoving.
Trapped.