This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honer you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me. Continue if you dare ;)

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Yes it's all Your Fault!

You are the reason,
The way I am,
What I'm going through.
Yes it's all your fault!

I could never say it before,
Couldn't not be be ok,
Because of you.
Yes it's all your fault!

I held it all in,
Let it tare me to peaces,
Shred my heart.
Yes it's all your fault!

Stepping into a horror film,
All alone,
With out you by my side.
Yes it's all your fault!

Putting on a face,
The smile,
Showing everything is ok.
Yes it's all your fault!

No knowing where to turn,
Lost in the Amazon of life,
Unable to see past the trees....

Guess what?!
That too, is all your fault!

Do you want to know why?
Why I torcher myself?

For you, I did it for you.

To spare your pain,
The pain of my pain,
The pain of guilt.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you are so amazing,
Sweet and gentle,
Softer than most see.
For you, I did it for you.

I love you,
For who YOU REALLY are,
Your amazingness.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you are more important,
Than how I feel,
Weather or not I'm breathing.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you were always there,
When I had no one,
You showed up.
For you, I did it for you.

I could talk to you,
You changed the way I saw things,
Changed my life.
For you, I did it for you.

Guess what?!
I still love you as my pall...

So I pray to support you,
For clarity when your lost,
Confidence in YOU.
I DO it for you.

I don't hate you,
I hate that I'm just another girl,
You are a BEST friend for life.
For you, I Do it for you.

Monday, September 22, 2008

Guys, Love, Life, Beauty

So for the past few months I have been really trying to get used to not having a guy there all the time saying I'm beautiful and that he misses me and always asking if we can do something or talk.

This has been something I have struggled with a lot. Now I don't think that not having a guy right now is a bad thing, what happened happened. God knew what he was doing and it really is for the best and I'm mostly glad I don't have a boyfriend right now. But it has still been hard.

For the past few years I have seen my self climing to the top of a steep rocky clif where at the top I finally will find "self actualization" (as Meg Cabbot would say), my self confidence, the real me. I have been slowly climbing... a few times a long the way God has given me some nice "foot holds" and "hand holds" to push me up, colser to that goal. Sometimes those hand holds I don't see as helping, it makes me feel stuck until I can figure out what to do.

Two summers ago is when I really found out who SARAH was. I went to a church camp (see the beginning of my whole blog) with out knowing ANYONE except Benny and Niki... my youth pasters. So I had to figure out how I wanted people to see me and how I could act without just following my friends examples.

Jumping into a publicschool enviorment as a freshman and having to hold tight to all I beleive and have been taught while learning what I could and not having people just hate me... that tought me so much! Sometimes it was hell, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for anything.

Last year I spent the school year without the person that I followed around... I actually had to ask other people to go to lunch with me! Quiet Sarah? This was a new thing for me and the new/old people I hang out with.

I re-made some really great friends that year,,, only to be left behind once again... (tho not compleetly this time :) love you guys!) And have my body decide it's time to be normal and gain some weight,,, and have my face breaking out like none other,,, and finding this thing called emotion.


This summer I (even though I really knew I was being unrealistic) hoped that as I reached the top of that clif I wouldn't be standing alown, I had a friend that was there... to re-afferm what I had been learning, that I was ME and I was AMAZING just as I was.

But once again that all crummbled, and up until today I felt like I was loosing myself again and I was so insicure and desprate for someone to want me. Little did I know it was just another foot hold to boost me higher twards the top.

Today was a really bad day... but one of the most beautiful I have had in a long time.

I got up way to early to go to math... which I HATE btw... So I was sitting there doing my hair and I saw the verse on my mirror that says, " Behold the BEAUTY of the Lord!" I have had that up there for like 4 years now... But today it hit me, God made me... crappy achie and all... and He thinks I'm beautiful. I don't always have to have a guy sitting there telling me, because I KNOW it's true.

I was doing my make up thinking... yes I'm beautiful and God loves me but some how it was a little weird... like my heart was full of love but I didn't feel like it was dangrous, my heart was MINE and I'm going to have to learn how to protect it... until I find that one guy that can share it with my God. I came to this conclussion when a song came on Klove (don't laugh that's what my dad had it on while he was using my radio so I just left it. )... Really all I remember of the song is part of the choris saying, "My heart is spoken for!". 1. Some young lad out there will some day have my whole heart... it already blongs to him even though I have no clue who he is... He is the only one that get's it.... 2. God has my heart. It has always been and always will be his. He spoke for it, clamied it before I was even born! That just makes me so HAPPY!

So my little brother, Seth has been away all week end at a hockey thing and I acutally missed him! lol Then.... he came home... and loves to drive me crazy! lol but today when I was laying there with my head pounding... not only did he bring me lovely drugs, but he just looks at me and says, " You look cute." If anyone knows my brother you know that he could care less! I ask him how I look before a dance and he says fine or nice or something. So I was like wow where did that come from!? and he just said that he thought I needed a little ego booster, shrugged and walked off. WOW. wether or not he knows it that was like the iceing on the cake... God really wanted me to see that today.

Oh and then when I got to Gym my coach told me about something that might help with my face! Pray it does and I can do it!

So ya I hope this very long little thing no matter what is going on in life who you are, who your friends are, how you look, how you feel, God is there and really he will show you who you are and what you need to do... even though I don't think God ever stops changing us we are who we are and that's who God made us.

XOXO

Thursday, September 11, 2008

OLD! GUYS I'M OLD!

Thursday night when I was 13....
"Mom I'm not sure what to wear tomorrow... and I need to figure it out so I can do my nails before bed... and I don't know how to do my hair tomorrow.... I could just do it boring or I could get up at four thirty to do it all cool... I NEED HELP MOM!"

Tonight at 17....
" What the heck am I thinking?"
"Telling coach that I can't make all the pratices' even meets cuz I'm getting behind in school... I'm going to turn into one of THOSE girls that thinks that they can get away with anything,,, dang I don't want to be that way and have people see me that way."
"Why on earth am I sitting here I HAVE to get my math done, I'm a week behind!"
" I don't know how I'm going to get by with this pay check for two freakn weeks cuz of debate camp."
"So weird to ask coach what is wrong wiht my legs..and her just to look at me and say 'It sucks getting old'. Man... "
"What am I going to do... I SOOOO want to go to collage with Jen and Ash and Esther... but What do I want to do with the rest of my young life, am I strong enough to listin to peoples crap all day every day..."
"My last play and I will never get to be the last one to take a bow... the one all the little kids want pictures with... after ten years.. my last chance is gone... oh well... I'm so proud of my friends."
"ZITS SUCK!"
"Why isn't God stepping in, in all my friends life? I try to give all I have,,, it never seems enough."
" I think I'm finally getting torne down enough and not getting the reconition I work so hard for that maybe I will be able to let God get the crettet... tho I will never be at the center. Can I accept that?"
"I wish I had a guy there to tell me he misses me and that he can't wate to see me and tell me I'm beautiful,,,, why do I miss that so much it's so stupid. "

PEOPLE I'M GOING CRAZY!!!! THAT'S JUST PART... VERY SMALL PART OF MY LIFE... I AM SO DONE!! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!!
LOVE YOU ALL!