So for the past few months I have been really trying to get used to not having a guy there all the time saying I'm beautiful and that he misses me and always asking if we can do something or talk.
This has been something I have struggled with a lot. Now I don't think that not having a guy right now is a bad thing, what happened happened. God knew what he was doing and it really is for the best and I'm mostly glad I don't have a boyfriend right now. But it has still been hard.
For the past few years I have seen my self climing to the top of a steep rocky clif where at the top I finally will find "self actualization" (as Meg Cabbot would say), my self confidence, the real me. I have been slowly climbing... a few times a long the way God has given me some nice "foot holds" and "hand holds" to push me up, colser to that goal. Sometimes those hand holds I don't see as helping, it makes me feel stuck until I can figure out what to do.
Two summers ago is when I really found out who SARAH was. I went to a church camp (see the beginning of my whole blog) with out knowing ANYONE except Benny and Niki... my youth pasters. So I had to figure out how I wanted people to see me and how I could act without just following my friends examples.
Jumping into a publicschool enviorment as a freshman and having to hold tight to all I beleive and have been taught while learning what I could and not having people just hate me... that tought me so much! Sometimes it was hell, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for anything.
Last year I spent the school year without the person that I followed around... I actually had to ask other people to go to lunch with me! Quiet Sarah? This was a new thing for me and the new/old people I hang out with.
I re-made some really great friends that year,,, only to be left behind once again... (tho not compleetly this time :) love you guys!) And have my body decide it's time to be normal and gain some weight,,, and have my face breaking out like none other,,, and finding this thing called emotion.
This summer I (even though I really knew I was being unrealistic) hoped that as I reached the top of that clif I wouldn't be standing alown, I had a friend that was there... to re-afferm what I had been learning, that I was ME and I was AMAZING just as I was.
But once again that all crummbled, and up until today I felt like I was loosing myself again and I was so insicure and desprate for someone to want me. Little did I know it was just another foot hold to boost me higher twards the top.
Today was a really bad day... but one of the most beautiful I have had in a long time.
I got up way to early to go to math... which I HATE btw... So I was sitting there doing my hair and I saw the verse on my mirror that says, " Behold the BEAUTY of the Lord!" I have had that up there for like 4 years now... But today it hit me, God made me... crappy achie and all... and He thinks I'm beautiful. I don't always have to have a guy sitting there telling me, because I KNOW it's true.
I was doing my make up thinking... yes I'm beautiful and God loves me but some how it was a little weird... like my heart was full of love but I didn't feel like it was dangrous, my heart was MINE and I'm going to have to learn how to protect it... until I find that one guy that can share it with my God. I came to this conclussion when a song came on Klove (don't laugh that's what my dad had it on while he was using my radio so I just left it. )... Really all I remember of the song is part of the choris saying, "My heart is spoken for!". 1. Some young lad out there will some day have my whole heart... it already blongs to him even though I have no clue who he is... He is the only one that get's it.... 2. God has my heart. It has always been and always will be his. He spoke for it, clamied it before I was even born! That just makes me so HAPPY!
So my little brother, Seth has been away all week end at a hockey thing and I acutally missed him! lol Then.... he came home... and loves to drive me crazy! lol but today when I was laying there with my head pounding... not only did he bring me lovely drugs, but he just looks at me and says, " You look cute." If anyone knows my brother you know that he could care less! I ask him how I look before a dance and he says fine or nice or something. So I was like wow where did that come from!? and he just said that he thought I needed a little ego booster, shrugged and walked off. WOW. wether or not he knows it that was like the iceing on the cake... God really wanted me to see that today.
Oh and then when I got to Gym my coach told me about something that might help with my face! Pray it does and I can do it!
So ya I hope this very long little thing no matter what is going on in life who you are, who your friends are, how you look, how you feel, God is there and really he will show you who you are and what you need to do... even though I don't think God ever stops changing us we are who we are and that's who God made us.