This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honer you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me. Continue if you dare ;)

Sunday, July 19, 2015

The Onion

On the surface,
Strong.
Confidently moving forward.
A life of purpose and direction.

A little deeper,
Peaceful.
Smiles freely given.
Laughter and encouragement flow.

Deeper again,
Juggling.
Struggling to add one more ball.
Stress and exhaustion bleeding through.

Digging deeper,
Frustrated.
Struggling to let go of hurt.
Anger and pain suppressed.

Even deeper,
Tension.
Confusion bounces around.
Right and wrong argue.

Deeper once more,
Fire.
The torment of emotions burn.
Fear and furry pushing through.

Deeper still,
Shame.
Good is never good enough.
Guilt and darkness all consuming.

Dare to go deeper,
Loathing.
Failure obvious.
Self hatred and disappointment take grip.

Deepest,
Dark.
Strength, Peace, Juggling, Frustration, Tension, Confusion, Fire, Shame, Loathing,
and Darkness.
All blotting out the Son Of Hope.
Tears of hopeless dreams tear at the soul.
Looking up from the void.
A small glint of Light.
Hope reborn.

Psalm 62:8
Trust in Him at all times, O people;
pour out your heart before him;
God is a refuge for us.

Galatians 2:20
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.

Thursday, September 26, 2013

Peace for the moment

This is what is giving me peace tonight. Leaving it up go God and trusting that he has a plan. Either direction life goes in the next few weeks I really just want it to be his plan. It's hard when I know what I want the plan to be... And I'm pretty sure he has the same idea, but it still has to fall into place. I TRUST YOU GOD. 

I don’t know where to go from here
It all used to seem so clear
I’m finding I can’t do this on my own

I don’t know where to go from here
As long as I know that You are near
I’m done fighting
I’m finally letting go

I will trust in You
You’ve never failed before
I will trust in You

Chorus
If there’s a road I should walk
Help me find it
If I need to be still
Give me peace for the moment
Whatever Your will
Whatever Your will
Can you help me find it
Can you help me find it

I’m giving You fear and You give faith
I giving you doubt
You give me grace
For every step I’ve never been alone

Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way
Even in the valley I will say
With every breath
You’ve never let me go

I will wait for You
You’ve never failed before
I will wait for You

Chorus

I lift my empty hands (come fill me up again)
Have Your way my King (I give my all to You)
I lift my eyes again (Was blind but now I see)
‘Cause You are all I need


Saturday, August 17, 2013

Choices

Church tonight inspired a few thoughts I want to explore, however I think I really only have time for one tonight. I'm looking at a subject that plegues many young people (and old)... What do I do with my life? What does God want me to do with my life? How do I know this is right?

As Christians we many times strive to do the right things, pray about big desiccions, and do God's will. While in some situations God does make it painfully clear that this is right or wrong, with most things in life it's a toss up. If you have two options and neither are a sin, how do we know what to do?

My whole life I have been a big fan of this thing called "free will". It is the idea that the God who created us, chose to give us the ability and freedom to make our own choices (right or wrong) as we live life on this bazar earth. "Free will" has been and will always be a big debate with Christians. Many would say that there is no such thing as free will because God is omniscient and knows everything that we are going to do already, so who's to say that we are the ones actually making the choices? Honestly, I could be wrong about this, but after some resurch, many debates, and lots of prayer, I have found the best way to look at it is as a pre-recorded football game. God has seen who is on the field, who is passed to, what the play call is, and even the out come of the game. However, We are still the ones playing. That is the Sarah thought of it, take it or leave it.

So based on that, then what happens when you could go long praying for the touch down or kick the easy field goal? How do we make that call? The ball is in our hands. What will it be? We come to this place in life many times in our life. Everything from choosing what to eat for lunch, what job to take, where to go to school, what to study, where to live, to how open to be about our faith. Big things and little things often without a clear right/wrong choice. God is sitting up there knowing what we will choose so why on earth did He give us free will?!?! We can spend hours praying, nights weighing the pros and cons, days seeking wise councle, and still not have a clear play. So my question is, if God really wants us to seek His will in all things and we have turned our lives over to Him, "giving all control" as the songs say, then why doesn't he take it?! If he has a plan for our lives and knows what He would prefer us to do, then why doesn't He just make the decision for us? Or even not give us a decision in the first place? Don't get me wrong, I love the idea of free will, without it and the decisions in life what would be the use of taking to him and creating a stronger relationship with Him. He wants to be friends with us and have us come to Him with everything in life as we do with our best friends, family, or spouse. The differance being that David (my husband... HUSBAND! I can say that now!) is very blunt when I ask for his thoughts on something, often times he has an opinion and will tell me straight up what he thinks. Is it just me or do you feel like God rarely does that in the day to day life?

I'm sitting here stairing at the computer waiting for an answer to come to me. I find that if I ramble long enough I'll trip over the truth I've been looking for, but I'm having trouble with this one. I know the point of free will is to give us the opportunity to choose a relationship instead of just being walking robots, but when we are ASKING God to show us what is best, why doesn't he? The word I keep hearing in my head is "wait", "strength will rise as we wait upon the LORD", wait. Though I don't know if that is pertaining to the things I'm debating about in my own life, or if it's what God often says when there is no clear play, maybe the second we think we've figured it out and call the play, something will change and if we had just waited a little while longer there would be the obvious and perfect option. Well for tonight I think that's where I have landed, if it's not totally clear, keep doing what you're doing, thinking, talking, and praying. In God's perfect time He will reviel His perfect, game winning play.

If anyone older and wiser than me has thoughts, or even if you're thinking over the same things and have no idea what you think, lets talk about it. Let me know your thoughts!

I love you world! Goodnight!

Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Truly Different

It's been a while so I thought I'd just look at my life for a second and process a few things that have been running through my mind as of late. My goal in life has been to be different, to be a light in darkness, to see life and people through God's eyes. While it has been hard to keep sight of these goals at times it has been the center of my life as long as I can remember. As a kid that meant things like wearing punk or emo clothes... with a big smile. Or being friends with the person everyone thought was weird. Or coloring my hair, getting piercings and tattoos, at the same time as serving in my Church's sunday school. I was the sports girl at school, and the nerd at the gym, I tried everything, so as not to get the one "label" placed on me like everyone else had. These were great things as a teenager, even a young adult. But what now? I'm a grown up. Even sitting here at work on haloween dressed up like Rainbow Bright (if you haven't read the childeren's book...well you need to), I feel torn between kid and adult. I'm getting married in May, to a wonderful man who has vowed that we will never truly get old, "when we're 90 we'll still just be big wrinkly kids". I love this. God talks about the understanding of a child, it's the simple little things that God wants us to see that can make the biggest difference in life. On the flip side, with age and maturity comes a deeper understanding in so many things. Learning to live alone, in my own space has been hard to get used to. 7 people, 3 home jobs, and homeschooling all in a 4 bedroom house, to just me in about half that space... yeah weird. But God has been using the opportunity to show me who he made me on a much deeper level. Beyond the purple hair and tattoos, he created me to be a light in much darkness... In this world and beyond things seen and understood. I always thought I had a decent confidence level, living alone however it is really easy to get down on myself when there is no one there to telling me I look good every morning, like my little brother Sam always did. Or to tell me that I am precious as I walk out the door like my Mom always did. The approving smiles of my Dad, the hugs and jokes from my brothers, these are all the things I was holding onto to get through the day and giving me the truth that I am loved. Without that? I feel worthless. God has been showing me that I am valued, loved, cherished, and even delighted in by HIM...And that is enough. Finding my value and joy in HIM and not because someone else is telling me I'm doing good is so overwhelming. It blows me away. He has always felt that way about me, I see that now, but this is the first time he is telling me through only Him and His Word, not using a person as his mouth piece. Now I am starting to listen. I will soon be a wife and sometime after that, a mother. I stopped typing here because I'm not sure what to say, I don't know what it will be like. I do know that again my life will change drastically. With all my heart I want to be a wife who loves my husband without asking for anything in return, who always has the right thing to say, who supports without question, and who turns to God in all things. Ha. I've already failed more than once at all these things and I'm not even married yet! But I guess that's where God and his grace, and David and his understanding come in. As a mom I KNOW I'll mess up. No matter how hard I try things will go wrong, I will be selfish, I will loose my temper, I will give bad advice... This kills me. How can God use someone as a light who is so flawed in the most important areas of life? I'm in a big girl school and at a big girl job. You can't just speak your mind and your faith everywhere or people will get turned off and God can't use you as effectively. So I let people know where I stand and who I am and what I believe and then let my life prove it.... However, my life is only human and isn't always the light that I feel it should be. Being a light as an adult is much more complicated than it used to be. I've always wanted to be different and stand out so that I could show the love of Christ, some how I've always known how to do that. Now I feel completely lost. I sometimes wish I could be "normal" and fit in and go through the motions of work, school, engagement, marriage, parenting, and everything else just like everyone else does. Then I stop to think... that would be awful! I am the only me, this is my only life on this earth, there are things only I can contribute, and I don't want to waste that. SO! Here's the plan! I will be different and see people how God sees them, and be a light in darkness, and love with a passion only God can give.... God show me how to do this in my grown up life! I have no freakn idea!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Wounded

Well since no one reads this any more I fee like I can be totally honest. I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do. I'm going through life more and more alone every day. I'm just trying to hold everyone together. Best friend is getting married, there is always drama that comes with a wedding. My other best friend I'm pretty sure just hates me and I don't know how to even start repairing our friendship. My mom was in two accidents in the past six months and is far from herself. I just got engaged and my family has no money, but everyone is planning a big wedding anyways. I never see my Fiancee except when he comes home from work just long enough to kiss me before he crashes. I feel so so far away from God and I feel guily every time I talk to him and I know that feeling is not from him but from the Devil but I'm not strong enough to fight it alone, and everyone else is to busy to help. I'm just so alone and breaking.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

The Dance

Tonight I danced with God,
The rain spraying my face.
I whisper into the night,
"I love you God".

The wind spinning around me rushes,
Hugging me close.
I all but hear the words,
"I. Love. You."

Love pulses through my veins,
Reaching every part of my bean.
A love so pure,
Untainted by the sin of this world.

So vast,
I know it will never leave me.
A love so real,
Doubt doesn't stand a chance.

I reach my arms to the heavens,
And twirl.
I am a little girl again,
Spinning for the world.

Showing off the beauty,
You created me to be.
Pure and real,
I am what I am.

Setting free the strength and joy,
You in-beaded in me.
Fully expecting your delight,
Your pride in me.

The scent of the sweet bosoms,
From the strong tree.
They float on the wind,
engulfing me in your pleasure.

So full of love and delight,
I sigh a "Thank You".
I turn and go inside,
Whole and beautiful once more.

.........

A disease slowly,
Seeping through my veins.
Shredding it's cold,
Deadly poison.

Replacing any warmth,
With frigid toxins.
Fingers of ice,
Finally closing around my heart.

Every touch of warmth,
Finds me retreating.
Hiding safely,
Behind the wall of ice.

Soon the ice melts,
Leaving me with nothing.
No cold,
No warmth.

I am a walking corps,
Empty.
Words and feelings echo,
In the hallow thing they call my body.

It so cruelly,
Keeps me alive.
Walking blindly in life,
As though I'm dead.

I am a...
Cold,
Hallow,
Empty,
Corpse.