This is a place of ME. This is a place where I will let the walls down and be honest. Joys and stories or tears and heartbreaks, they will all be here. Devotionals to poems, my heart is open to you. I will love well. I will love you and honor you by allowing you into my brokenness and the truth that God has reviled to me. This is a place of Me.

Sunday, December 7, 2008


Just shoot me now,
I would rather be dead.
Than this useless life,
No direction, point, or porpos.
Just lift the gun,
Pull the trigger at my head.

Grinding my teeth hard,
Pushing through strong.
I'm just so dead already,
What's the point of living a dead life?
Doing my best with a smile,
One can only push so long.

Depression sinks in,
Everything loosing light.
done now with this life,
Can't I trade for a new one?
Being dead would do,
Then Jesus would always be in sight.

Full of second guessing and questions,
Head swimming to no shore.
What's the point,
When life is one big blur?
Stumbling through the tears,
Twards a nonexistand bend.

Nothing will change,
I'll just continue to sink.
No relif will come,
Noone, nothing can take the pain away.
Soon all the light will be gone,
I'll just run in the dark empty cloud.

Someday this life will consume me,
Dead. in body or spirit I don't' know.
But when it does I'll be ready,
To let go.
Be done forever and ever,
Peacefully asleep.


Geela dear said...

no i will not do that. i love you and you are worth everything. gosh i could go on forever about how you changed me and loved me even when i shoved you out. but there is only so much time and space so i will write you a letter. okay? i love you and i know it hurts but it hurts even more when you are dead. love you.

Amber said...


You've heard this again and again. Don't give up. I want to tell you that it's not how exciting or wonderful your life is that makes you so valuable, what you decide to do with it how you keep going shows what kind of character you have. And I've got to say, how much you've worked on staying "alive" proves in itself you're stronger than a TON of other people who would simply give up in your position. You are so priceless, God will reward your perseverance. I know the hard times never seem to end, and I know happiness can't be forced, borrowed or faked. But know we're here, we love you, and God will bring you to the end.

♥Sarah♥ said...

What would I do with out you guys. All I know it to say... I LOVE YOU!

Paula said...

A friend asked me the other day why I didn't comment on this post. She thought I'd respond to it, or at least get onto you for the use of colorful language.

I guess I believed these last two posts came from a place God was stirring up, trying to heal, and that I need to just let you vent. They were hard to read because there was such pain. But I knew even as I read them that God was working. He wouldn't leave you in that place, but HE had to dredge it up, let you experience and admit it, so He could heal it.

I write today because I can honestly say that I sense that the healing has begun. I'm almost afraid to say this because it's been such a long, hard season, but as I write you I have this niggling feeling that the LORD is about to send you a fresh breeze of refreshment. You have fought hard and well. You have grow much. He's showing you how much you are loved and how valuable you are to those of us you give yourself to. Believing for that fresh breeze for you . . .