Journal #6
Prompt:For your journal this week, I’d like you to look back over your “epiphanies” journal from last week and pick ONE to write an evocative autoethnographic account of. Remember to take the reader into the experience of the epiphany, and offer analysis/links to at least 2 concepts from our course in the narrative. This is meant to give you a chance to attempt writing something using autoethnography that you can use later in your final paper!
Growing up as the oldest of four kids, in the homeschool community, and in a low income family, I quickly learned how to help people. I was the Vice Mom, Go To Person if someone needed support, and provider in many ways. There are so many beautiful things about loving people well and knowing how to help them and actually make a difference. However, the older I got the more unhealthy this became. I would give and give until one day I felt like my worth was all wrapped up in what I could do for other people. The line between myself and others was burred so much that I lost sight of where I ended and others begin. I slowly realized that this was a problem, but it wasn’t until I was 22 and married that I decided to do something about it. I began going to counseling, attended a weekend designed to peel back the layers to reveal who you were created to be, and I joined a group of women healing from the curve balls of life and running after Jesus. Little by little I began to pull back the layers of people pleasing, finding my value in what I could do for others, and began to rearrange unhealthy relationships that kept me in an unhealthy pattern. I would repeat over and over things like, “I am enough just as I am. I am loved for just being me. I am worthy of being fully known,” trying to move these new truths from my head to my heart. But something still wasn’t sticking. My husband is amazing and loves me well, but somehow in the depths of my heart I believed that if I wasn’t able to do enough for him, he wouldn’t stick around. If I worked hard and kept him happy he would stick around because it was convenient, but nothing more. My head knew this wasn’t true, but my heart still couldn’t quite believe that he loved ME.
Last fall, we went on a humanitarian work trip to Mexico. We were helping with construction for a retreat center. David and I were working on a project together and having a great time, but the 3rd night I got REALLY sick. I was up all night unable to keep any liquids down. Finally, early the next afternoon I was able to keep some water and Dramamine down, but I was far too weak to do anything except sleep. I remember the guilt I felt lying in bed listening to the sounds of construction right outside my window. Thanks to the Dramamine and water, I was able to sleep. I awoke to what I thought was David shaking the bed to wake me up. It took me only a few more seconds to realize that more than just the bed was shaking. It was an earthquake. I remembered from a conversation the night before that the thing to do was to get out of the house. I stumbled out of bed with the floor waving under me so dizzy, nauseous, and drowsy that I could hardly stand and fell into the door frame. I had to make it down a flight of winding stairs before I could make it outside to safety. I remember running down the stairs, unable to see straight watching the stairs moving and praying that God would make my feet and the stairs match just for a moment. I stumbled to the bottom of the stairs into the arms of our host and my husband. They came back for me. We all made it outside and I just sat shaking in David’s arms as the ground moved, trees bent, and the house rocked back and forth. As things began to still, the realization dawned. When I was at my absolute worst… smelly, sick, and unable to help anyone else… my husband ran back into a potentially crumbling building for me. He risked his life coming back in the house, not because I had earned it or was useful in that moment, but because he saw my value even at my worst.
I can’t say that I don’t still tie my worth and usefulness together. I think this will be a life long journey, but something shifted in me that day so now I can trust that my husband will be there no matter what, even when I am completely useless. This new level of trust has brought peace and understanding as I apply the same concept to how my family sees me, my boss, but most importantly… how God sees me. He chose to create me, and he loves his creation. He has chosen me to do some amazing things for Him, but His love and my worth are not based on how well I do things; His love is unconditional. Living out of this place of trust changes my everyday life and allows me to live out of a place of joy. It just took a 7.1 earthquake to show me that.
I know that this was a moment where my worldview shifted, beliefs took root, and from that moment on I was different. I still struggle with believing that I am loved for just being me, but this earth-shaking moment gives me something to hold onto, and every day I get closer to fully owning who I am outside of what I can do for others. Slowly, with the help of other people, self-talk, and holding on to God’s Truths, I’m rediscovering where I end, and others begin.
Growing up as the oldest of four kids, in the homeschool community, and in a low income family, I quickly learned how to help people. I was the Vice Mom, Go To Person if someone needed support, and provider in many ways. There are so many beautiful things about loving people well and knowing how to help them and actually make a difference. However, the older I got the more unhealthy this became. I would give and give until one day I felt like my worth was all wrapped up in what I could do for other people. The line between myself and others was burred so much that I lost sight of where I ended and others begin. I slowly realized that this was a problem, but it wasn’t until I was 22 and married that I decided to do something about it. I began going to counseling, attended a weekend designed to peel back the layers to reveal who you were created to be, and I joined a group of women healing from the curve balls of life and running after Jesus. Little by little I began to pull back the layers of people pleasing, finding my value in what I could do for others, and began to rearrange unhealthy relationships that kept me in an unhealthy pattern. I would repeat over and over things like, “I am enough just as I am. I am loved for just being me. I am worthy of being fully known,” trying to move these new truths from my head to my heart. But something still wasn’t sticking. My husband is amazing and loves me well, but somehow in the depths of my heart I believed that if I wasn’t able to do enough for him, he wouldn’t stick around. If I worked hard and kept him happy he would stick around because it was convenient, but nothing more. My head knew this wasn’t true, but my heart still couldn’t quite believe that he loved ME.
Last fall, we went on a humanitarian work trip to Mexico. We were helping with construction for a retreat center. David and I were working on a project together and having a great time, but the 3rd night I got REALLY sick. I was up all night unable to keep any liquids down. Finally, early the next afternoon I was able to keep some water and Dramamine down, but I was far too weak to do anything except sleep. I remember the guilt I felt lying in bed listening to the sounds of construction right outside my window. Thanks to the Dramamine and water, I was able to sleep. I awoke to what I thought was David shaking the bed to wake me up. It took me only a few more seconds to realize that more than just the bed was shaking. It was an earthquake. I remembered from a conversation the night before that the thing to do was to get out of the house. I stumbled out of bed with the floor waving under me so dizzy, nauseous, and drowsy that I could hardly stand and fell into the door frame. I had to make it down a flight of winding stairs before I could make it outside to safety. I remember running down the stairs, unable to see straight watching the stairs moving and praying that God would make my feet and the stairs match just for a moment. I stumbled to the bottom of the stairs into the arms of our host and my husband. They came back for me. We all made it outside and I just sat shaking in David’s arms as the ground moved, trees bent, and the house rocked back and forth. As things began to still, the realization dawned. When I was at my absolute worst… smelly, sick, and unable to help anyone else… my husband ran back into a potentially crumbling building for me. He risked his life coming back in the house, not because I had earned it or was useful in that moment, but because he saw my value even at my worst.
I can’t say that I don’t still tie my worth and usefulness together. I think this will be a life long journey, but something shifted in me that day so now I can trust that my husband will be there no matter what, even when I am completely useless. This new level of trust has brought peace and understanding as I apply the same concept to how my family sees me, my boss, but most importantly… how God sees me. He chose to create me, and he loves his creation. He has chosen me to do some amazing things for Him, but His love and my worth are not based on how well I do things; His love is unconditional. Living out of this place of trust changes my everyday life and allows me to live out of a place of joy. It just took a 7.1 earthquake to show me that.
I know that this was a moment where my worldview shifted, beliefs took root, and from that moment on I was different. I still struggle with believing that I am loved for just being me, but this earth-shaking moment gives me something to hold onto, and every day I get closer to fully owning who I am outside of what I can do for others. Slowly, with the help of other people, self-talk, and holding on to God’s Truths, I’m rediscovering where I end, and others begin.
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