Journal #5
Prompt:
Begin to think about epiphanies you’ve had in your life that you might want to examine and analyze further as we move forward in this class. You might want to look back at the “experiences” journal from week 3 to get the ball rolling.
For this journal, come up with a list of possible epiphanies to examine, and offer a blurb/description for each one.
As I have processed my life and the moments of illumination and change, they didn’t fall from the sky and change life in a moment, they were born out of much personal reflection and intentional growth. Each of these moments required action on my part in a moment, or over a long period of time. Maybe that’s all an epiphany really is. There are moments in life that we forever look back on realizing that they changed our view point, beliefs, or how we see ourselves and the world. What really matters is how our lives change after these moments happen. On either side of this realization there is an action: how we got there and what we do after the moment. As I examine moments in my life that changed something, I want to focus on the before and after of the epiphany.
When I was a little girl, probably about 7 years old, I desperately wanted a doll house. My family couldn’t afford one, so I was saving up my birthday money. One day we were sitting in church and the pastor asked for offering. I don’t remember exactly what it was for, but I know it was to help someone. I felt in my heart that this is where I should put my money. Nothing else mattered as much as helping people that needed it. I took out all the money I had with me and put it in the offering plate as it went past. That afternoon going home from church I knew I did the right thing. I understood that the doll house I wanted was even further out of reach and that made me sad, but I also knew I would give up a million doll houses if it meant I could help someone else. That night as my brothers and I were playing outside I saw something AMAZING. It was the week of the big trash pick-up day that happens a couple times a year, and in one of the piles at the top of our cul-de-sac was a beautiful doll house. I ran inside so excited, and my dad helped me carry it to our house and get it all cleaned up. The moment I saw that doll house sitting there waiting for me on the same day that I listened to the voice inside of me that told me to help others, I felt like it was God saying, “I will always take care of you.” Little did I know that that image of the doll house with the promise would carry me through eviction notices on our door growing up, bankruptcy for our family when I was in high school, and the struggle after David and I got married causing us to move 8 times in 4 years before finding a place we could call home. I don’t always know if I believed those words, but even in those moments, God always gently reminded me that He will always take care of me. Weather it’s something as simple as a doll house, or as big as signing the papers buying our first home, He cares.
That little girl who gave away her money when she wanted a doll house she desperately wanted in order to help people grew up, and that desire to help got stronger. The older I got the more unhealthy this became. I would give and give until one day I felt like my worth was all wrapped up in what I could do for other people. I slowly realized that this was a problem, but it wasn’t until I was 22 and married that I decided to do something about it. I began going to counseling, attended a weekend designed to peel back the layers to reveal who you were created to be, and joined a group of women healing from the curve balls of life and running after Jesus. Little by little I began to pull back the layers of people pleasing, finding my value in what I could do for others, and began to rearrange unhealthy relationships that kept me in an unhealthy pattern. I would repeat over and over things like, “I am enough just as I am. I am loved for just being me. I am worthy of being fully known,” trying to move these new truths from my head to my heart. But something still wasn’t sticking. My husband is amazing and loves me well, but somehow in the depths of my heart I believed that if I wasn’t able to do enough for him, he wouldn’t stick around. If I worked hard and kept him happy he would stick around because it was convenient, but nothing more. My head knew this wasn’t true, but my heart still couldn’t quite believe that he loved ME.
Last fall, we went on a humanitarian work trip to Mexico. We were helping with construction for a retreat center. David and I were working on a project together and having a great time, but the 3rd night I got REALLY sick. I was up all night unable to keep any liquids down. Finally, early the next afternoon I was able to keep some water and Dramamine down, but I was far too weak to do anything except sleep. I remember the guilt I felt lying in bed listening to the sounds of construction right outside my window. Thanks to the Dramamine and water, I was able to sleep. I awoke to what I thought was David shaking the bed to wake me up. It took me only a few more seconds to realize that more than just the bed was shaking. It was an earthquake. I remembered from a conversation the night before that the thing to do was to get out of the house. I stumbled out of bed with the floor waving under me so dizzy, nauseous, and drowsy that I could hardly stand and fell into the door frame. I had to make it down a flight of winding stairs before I could make it outside to safety. I remember running down the stairs, unable to see straight watching the stairs moving and praying that God would make my feet and the stairs match just for a moment. I stumbled to the bottom of the stairs into the arms of our host and my husband. They came back for me. We all made it outside and I just sat shaking in David’s arms as the ground moved, trees bent, and the house rocked back and forth. As things began to still, the realization dawned. When I was at my absolute worst… smelly, sick, and unable to help anyone else… my husband ran back into a potentially crumbling building for me. He risked his life coming back in the house, not because I had earned it or was useful in that moment, but because he saw my value even at my worst.
I can’t say that I don’t still tie my worth and usefulness together. I think this will be a life long journey, but something shifted in me that day so now I can trust that my husband will be there no matter what, even when I am completely useless. This new level of trust has brought peace and understanding as I apply the same concept to how my family sees me, my boss, but most importantly… how God sees me. He chose to create me, and he loves his creation. He has chosen me to do some amazing things for Him, but His love and my worth are not based on how well I do things; His love is unconditional. Living out of this place of trust changes my everyday life and allows me to live out of a place of joy. It just took a 7.1 earthquake to show me that.
Looking back on both of these epiphanies, I know that these were moments where my worldview shifted, beliefs took root, and from that moment on I was different. I still struggle with believing that God will always take care of me, and that I am loved for just being me, but these moments give me something to hold onto, and every day I get closer to fully owning these truths. They may not be little moments that changed everything, but they are moments that brought the pieces together to shift my perspective for the better.
Begin to think about epiphanies you’ve had in your life that you might want to examine and analyze further as we move forward in this class. You might want to look back at the “experiences” journal from week 3 to get the ball rolling.
For this journal, come up with a list of possible epiphanies to examine, and offer a blurb/description for each one.
As I have processed my life and the moments of illumination and change, they didn’t fall from the sky and change life in a moment, they were born out of much personal reflection and intentional growth. Each of these moments required action on my part in a moment, or over a long period of time. Maybe that’s all an epiphany really is. There are moments in life that we forever look back on realizing that they changed our view point, beliefs, or how we see ourselves and the world. What really matters is how our lives change after these moments happen. On either side of this realization there is an action: how we got there and what we do after the moment. As I examine moments in my life that changed something, I want to focus on the before and after of the epiphany.
When I was a little girl, probably about 7 years old, I desperately wanted a doll house. My family couldn’t afford one, so I was saving up my birthday money. One day we were sitting in church and the pastor asked for offering. I don’t remember exactly what it was for, but I know it was to help someone. I felt in my heart that this is where I should put my money. Nothing else mattered as much as helping people that needed it. I took out all the money I had with me and put it in the offering plate as it went past. That afternoon going home from church I knew I did the right thing. I understood that the doll house I wanted was even further out of reach and that made me sad, but I also knew I would give up a million doll houses if it meant I could help someone else. That night as my brothers and I were playing outside I saw something AMAZING. It was the week of the big trash pick-up day that happens a couple times a year, and in one of the piles at the top of our cul-de-sac was a beautiful doll house. I ran inside so excited, and my dad helped me carry it to our house and get it all cleaned up. The moment I saw that doll house sitting there waiting for me on the same day that I listened to the voice inside of me that told me to help others, I felt like it was God saying, “I will always take care of you.” Little did I know that that image of the doll house with the promise would carry me through eviction notices on our door growing up, bankruptcy for our family when I was in high school, and the struggle after David and I got married causing us to move 8 times in 4 years before finding a place we could call home. I don’t always know if I believed those words, but even in those moments, God always gently reminded me that He will always take care of me. Weather it’s something as simple as a doll house, or as big as signing the papers buying our first home, He cares.
That little girl who gave away her money when she wanted a doll house she desperately wanted in order to help people grew up, and that desire to help got stronger. The older I got the more unhealthy this became. I would give and give until one day I felt like my worth was all wrapped up in what I could do for other people. I slowly realized that this was a problem, but it wasn’t until I was 22 and married that I decided to do something about it. I began going to counseling, attended a weekend designed to peel back the layers to reveal who you were created to be, and joined a group of women healing from the curve balls of life and running after Jesus. Little by little I began to pull back the layers of people pleasing, finding my value in what I could do for others, and began to rearrange unhealthy relationships that kept me in an unhealthy pattern. I would repeat over and over things like, “I am enough just as I am. I am loved for just being me. I am worthy of being fully known,” trying to move these new truths from my head to my heart. But something still wasn’t sticking. My husband is amazing and loves me well, but somehow in the depths of my heart I believed that if I wasn’t able to do enough for him, he wouldn’t stick around. If I worked hard and kept him happy he would stick around because it was convenient, but nothing more. My head knew this wasn’t true, but my heart still couldn’t quite believe that he loved ME.
Last fall, we went on a humanitarian work trip to Mexico. We were helping with construction for a retreat center. David and I were working on a project together and having a great time, but the 3rd night I got REALLY sick. I was up all night unable to keep any liquids down. Finally, early the next afternoon I was able to keep some water and Dramamine down, but I was far too weak to do anything except sleep. I remember the guilt I felt lying in bed listening to the sounds of construction right outside my window. Thanks to the Dramamine and water, I was able to sleep. I awoke to what I thought was David shaking the bed to wake me up. It took me only a few more seconds to realize that more than just the bed was shaking. It was an earthquake. I remembered from a conversation the night before that the thing to do was to get out of the house. I stumbled out of bed with the floor waving under me so dizzy, nauseous, and drowsy that I could hardly stand and fell into the door frame. I had to make it down a flight of winding stairs before I could make it outside to safety. I remember running down the stairs, unable to see straight watching the stairs moving and praying that God would make my feet and the stairs match just for a moment. I stumbled to the bottom of the stairs into the arms of our host and my husband. They came back for me. We all made it outside and I just sat shaking in David’s arms as the ground moved, trees bent, and the house rocked back and forth. As things began to still, the realization dawned. When I was at my absolute worst… smelly, sick, and unable to help anyone else… my husband ran back into a potentially crumbling building for me. He risked his life coming back in the house, not because I had earned it or was useful in that moment, but because he saw my value even at my worst.
I can’t say that I don’t still tie my worth and usefulness together. I think this will be a life long journey, but something shifted in me that day so now I can trust that my husband will be there no matter what, even when I am completely useless. This new level of trust has brought peace and understanding as I apply the same concept to how my family sees me, my boss, but most importantly… how God sees me. He chose to create me, and he loves his creation. He has chosen me to do some amazing things for Him, but His love and my worth are not based on how well I do things; His love is unconditional. Living out of this place of trust changes my everyday life and allows me to live out of a place of joy. It just took a 7.1 earthquake to show me that.
Looking back on both of these epiphanies, I know that these were moments where my worldview shifted, beliefs took root, and from that moment on I was different. I still struggle with believing that God will always take care of me, and that I am loved for just being me, but these moments give me something to hold onto, and every day I get closer to fully owning these truths. They may not be little moments that changed everything, but they are moments that brought the pieces together to shift my perspective for the better.
Comments
And your epiphany around David coming back for you in the earthquake slayed me. Just beautiful. On the point of that epiphany, you say something I want to gently push on: You mention this:
"I think this will be a life long journey, but something shifted in me that day so now I can trust that my husband will be there no matter what, EVEN WHEN I AM COMPLETELY USELESS." I added emphasis to that last part. First, what a wonderful revelation! This is such an important piece of your growth. But I have a question for you to ponder:
Sarah Grundy, what if you're never useless, no matter the circumstance or physical state. What if, even in the selfish or maybe even sinful moments in your life, you're still useful? You mention repeating things like "I am enough just as I am." Yes! What if that also means "I am useful just as I am."
Maybe I read too much in to the back end of that sentence (even when I am completely useless.) But It seems like you're really onto something here, and I wanted to not hold back on what I was seeing.
Excellent work.