Journal #2

Prompt: While we will have ups and downs over the course of time, think about whether or not your self-talk has been predominantly negative or positive over the course of your life. Really reflect on what you can recall of your self talk in the past, and think about the self talk you have with yourself on a daily basis now to answer this question. Once you've got an idea of if you're more positive or negative in your self-talk, think about why it's that way. Can you identify any influences or contributing factors that make you more positive/negative? What are they and how did they specifically impact your self talk? Identify two or three significant life experiences that you think may have impacted your self-talk and made it what it is today. MAKE SURE TO LINK TO AT LEAST 3 CONCEPTS FROM THE MATERIAL ON SELF-TALK IN THE SCREEN-CASTS & POWERPOINT FOR THIS WEEK! Consider what voices in your past and present have impacted your inner voice. Use this journal to capture a snapshot of your self talk.

I've been processing this question for several days and it has been hard to come up with a definite decision on whether my self-talk is more positive or more negative. I have always had a lot of self-awareness, even when I was little the conversations in my head were constant. My dialogical nature was often silent, but I remember trying to talk myself out of being scared of the dark or dreaming of what I would do and be when I grew up. Depending on the situation my-self talk can look very different. I have often felt like some of my deepest-rooted flaws are pride and self-hatred. I don't often find a balance, either I'm feeling great about something or I'm beating myself up over it. I haven't always been this way though.
Looking back on my childhood, my self-talk was full of positivity and dreaming. Things like, "I can be whatever I want to be", "I am loved", and "I am creative" out weighed much of the negative feelings of, "I don't matter" and "I'm loved because I'm useful". Of course, I had moments where the negativity got to me, but over all I KNEW I was loved by my parents, brothers, friends, and God. As a child developing in the understanding of "the self" the environment around us has a huge impact on how we see and communicate with ourselves, and I was lucky enough to have a pretty darn good one. Beyond the relational influences in my life, I LOVED books. I would spend hours reading books like The Secret Garden, where a boy learns to walk again and a girl finds kindness and compassion. Books like A Wrinkle In Time, where a brother and sister go on an adventure where the outcome will impact the universe and they learn that, "We can't take any credit for our talents. It's how we use them that counts." Another book that had a huge impact on me was Pride and Prejudice. Lizzy Bennet pushed back against the cultural constraints of her time in order to explore her independence, love people well, and settle into her own skin. As a young girl reading these books and so many others, their messages seeped into my self-talk creating my little reality as a girl who could do anything, be who she wanted to be, and change the world. And then I grew up.
I'm not sure when it happened. When the big ideas and dreams broke into a million pieces, but it did. Maybe it was the first boy who broke my heart, my family's financial problems crashing down in bankruptcy, or someone I looked up to who continually told me that who I was wasn't good enough. Somewhere in high school my self-talk shifted to, "You have to keep it all together", "no one wants you unless you do something for them", "You are stupid", and "You aren't good enough, try harder". I felt like the world around me was falling apart and I felt like a failure every time I couldn't fix my family's financial needs or a friend would self-harm or threaten suicide yet again. There was some positive self-talk in those years too like, "I am unique", "God put me on this earth for a reason", and I still held onto the notion that "someday I'll change the world". However, often these positive voices got lost in 2 things: 1, I desperately wanted to make and keep people happy and 2, I wanted to "prove all the haters wrong". I poured myself into work, school, volunteering, and spending almost every spare moment on call for the 10-15 friends in emotional crisis. Every time I let a ball drop or didn't get top marks on something that negative self-talk dug deeper roots into how I saw myself. And yet I would put on the smile of the popular girl who had it all together and love people the best I knew how. All of the negative self-talk seemed to truly take root when an important relationship ended. All of the voices that told me that my value is in what I can do for others, seemed to prove true. I learned to use my self-talk to regulate my behavior in order to get the behavior from others that I was craving, i.e. approval, appreciation, admiration, etc. I became very good at getting people to see much more of the good in me than the struggles that I faced.
As an adult I have learned to recognize that all of my self-talk is creating and assigning meaning, and therefore value, to myself and my view of the world. I'm in the process of rewriting my self-talk from, "I am stupid" to "Everyone struggles with something, this is my thing to work harder at. I can do this." There are many days that the negative self-talk, that I now have named "lies", still sneaks up and takes hold. I feel like I am constantly at war with the little girl who believed in endless possibilities and the teenager who believed that her only worth came from what she did for others. I think that is where the pride and self-hatred dilemma comes in.
After processing on paper, I have to say that in day to day life I have more negative self-talk than positive. As life continues to throw curve balls I go through the motions of telling myself the right things. The voice of "I can do this!" often gets shut down with the "why the hell did you think you could do this?" voice. When this happens, I can so easily fall into the grips of anxiety and depression… and I think I just figured out why it's so hard to dig back out. It's not me or even the people around me that I feel like I'm letting down, it's that little girl. The girl who believed that kindness could cure hate, the one that loved the skin she was in, and the one that knew without a shadow of a doubt that she would change the world for the better. Every time I fail, she is the one that I'm letting down, and I don't know how to forgive myself for that.
Somehow, I forget that the messages in books and the love felt in my childhood that had so much impact on me was matched, and in some ways surpassed, by some really hard things too like bankruptcy, heartbreak, and being tossed aside once I was no longer useful. All of these things impacted me and shaped me into who I am today, the good and the bad parts. I think my hope is that I can go back to using self-talk like I did when I was little, not in naivety, but opening myself up to a world of possibilities once again. Finding joy in the small things and hope in the unknown. I'm not there yet, but that's where I want to go!

Comments

Sarah said…
Excellent journal Sarah - You're doing some great processing here, but I'm going to skip all the grade chatter and just ask a couple of questions.

Here's my question: What would that little girl who you think you're letting down say to you right now? Look her in the eye and tell her you feel like you're letting her down - what would her response be?

I have a feeling she might set you free.

And when she does, receive it. Believe it. Breathe it: for everyday of the rest of your life.

I wish I could give this 3000 points.

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