Broken Love

I was a high school freshman,  at a week-long camp. The theme of the week was hope. Someone got creative with a break out session and it changed my life.   We walked into a dark room, our hands were zip tied in front of us, and we were forced to sit in silence. We then heard a story about a hopeless situation and how Jesus brought hope into it. Again, they left us in a dark room in silence. They had a pair of scissors up front and told us that when we were ready to let go of all the fear, anger, and sadness that we were carrying and hold on to the hope we have in Jesus, then we could come and cut off our bonds. We all sat in stunned silence, then the tears started to flow. Girls and boys, freshman and seniors... we all broke down. We were all carrying something. Living in darkness and feeling trapped. One by one we started to get up and cut off our bonds and step outside into the light. Some jumped at the chance to be freed, others refused. They weren't ready. God was still wo...

Unity.  This word has been convicting me this month. There is SO much dividing us, pulling us away from each other, away from our mission, away from God. What would life look like if we shifted focus from fighting for our beliefs and rights and focused on fighting FOR those God has placed in our kingdom? I'm not saying to become a door mat or give up our beliefs (believe me, enneagram 8 here... I like to fight for what I believe in), but I am saying that we can stop defining those around us by the labels we have given them and simply seek to understand their heart.  Ask questions, listen, and see each person through the lens of knowing that just like you, they have a life and stories that have shaped how they see the world. Often those stories hold pain, fear, and hurt. Doesn't yours? I know mine does. If THIS is how Christians responded in conflicting situations, seeking to UNDERSTAND first and be RIGHT later, I don't think the world would know what to do.  Philippians 2...

There and Back Again: A Young Girl’s Tale by Sarah Grundy PROLOGUE: Once upon a time…there was a young girl. She loved her parents, brothers, friends, and though she started out shy she loved nearly everyone she came in contact with. From the moment that pieces of her identity began to form when she met her little brother to the day that her value and self-worth were shaken into place, this is her story. I invite you into a few of the moments that created her basic identities, fears, hopes, and dreams. I hope that you are able to relate to pieces of her story, find hope, and know that whatever you are facing today you are not alone. EPISODE 1: The Little Blue Bunny (1993) I was almost 2 years old, a little blonde girl who loved Barney, football and wild flowers. I adored my parents and they adored me. One day, my aunt and uncle took me to the hospital to meet my new little brother. I remember carrying a little blue bunny to give to the baby. I understood generally what a bro...

PROMPT: For your final journal of the semester, you need to write between 100 and 300 words on the top three things you want to carry forward with you that you learned in this class this semester. This journal is shorter than usual - and this is on purpose. The point here is to really boil down three things to carry forward in your life as you move on from this space of weekly self-reflection and journaling. If I don’t intentionally structure this, I know I will go on and on and on. So here we go! 1. Simply being more aware of my Intrapersonal Communication. There are many things in this class that I want to apply to my life, but if I don’t know what’s going on inside I won’t be able to effectively apply them. My hope is to notice in the moment how I’m communicating with myself and others, but also to make intentional time for internal reflection. 2. Continue to push into a growth-mindset. One of the most liberating things I am taking away from this class is the KNOWLEDGE, not ju...

PROMPT: Your journal for this week will take some of the material from last week and apply it to the material from Mindset. Guy Winch listed 7 Common Psychological Injuries we sustain in life in his Talk at Google: • Failure • Rejection • Guilt • Loneliness • Brooding and Rumination • Loss and Trauma • Bouts of Low-Self Esteem For this journal, reflect on the following prompt: Which injuries from the list above have you sustained in the last few weeks or months? How did you heal/administer first aid? If you didn’t, in the future, how can you? How might approaching your psychological injuries with a growth mindset help you heal? In the last couple months, I experienced several of these in a situation with someone in my life. I saw tension in the relationship but thought that there was still a team mindset trying to solve problems together even when we disagreed. But I misjudged the relationship and the other person was hurt and angry. Out of that came many harsh words about m...

Prompt: For your journal this week, you will be looking at the “Grow your Mindset” prompts at the end of chapter 6. Pick one of the prompts from page 171-172 and answer it providing 2-3 links to the material we’ve been covering from Gardner (Multiple Intelligence's), Winch (Emotional First Aid), and any of our earlier material from class. Growth Mindset Question: After Rejection, do you feel judged, bitter, and vengeful? Or do you feel hurt, but hopeful of forgiving, learning and moving on? Think of the worst rejection you ever had. Get in touch with all the feelings and see of you can view it from a growth mindset. What did you learn from it? Did it teach you something about what you want and what you don’t want in your life? Did it teach you some positive things about your relationships? Can you forgive the person and with them well? Can you let go of the bitterness? (Mindset, 174-175) We all experience rejection at some point in our lives. My earliest moments of rejection are...

Prompt:For your journal this week, I’d like you to (AGAIN) look back over your “epiphanies” journal from last week and pick ONE to write an evocative autoethnographic account of. This one must be different than the one you wrote in week 6. Remember to take the reader into the experience of the epiphany, and offer analysis/links to at least 2 concepts from our course in the narrative. This is meant to give you a another chance to attempt writing something using autoethnography that you can use later in your final paper! When I was a little girl, about 7 years old, I desperately wanted a doll house. My friend Joanna had a big beautiful wooden doll house that I tried not to be jealous of every time I went to her house. My family couldn’t afford even a small simple dollhouse, so I was saving up my birthday money. I cherished every penny as it got me closer to a beautiful dollhouse like Joanna had. One day sitting in church dressed up and desperately trying to sit still and pretend to und...

Prompt:For your journal this week, I’d like you to look back over your “epiphanies” journal from last week and pick ONE to write an evocative autoethnographic account of. Remember to take the reader into the experience of the epiphany, and offer analysis/links to at least 2 concepts from our course in the narrative. This is meant to give you a chance to attempt writing something using autoethnography that you can use later in your final paper! Growing up as the oldest of four kids, in the homeschool community, and in a low income family, I quickly learned how to help people. I was the Vice Mom, Go To Person if someone needed support, and provider in many ways. There are so many beautiful things about loving people well and knowing how to help them and actually make a difference. However, the older I got the more unhealthy this became. I would give and give until one day I felt like my worth was all wrapped up in what I could do for other people. The line between myself and others was...

Prompt: Begin to think about epiphanies you’ve had in your life that you might want to examine and analyze further as we move forward in this class. You might want to look back at the “experiences” journal from week 3 to get the ball rolling. For this journal, come up with a list of possible epiphanies to examine, and offer a blurb/description for each one. As I have processed my life and the moments of illumination and change, they didn’t fall from the sky and change life in a moment, they were born out of much personal reflection and intentional growth. Each of these moments required action on my part in a moment, or over a long period of time. Maybe that’s all an epiphany really is. There are moments in life that we forever look back on realizing that they changed our view point, beliefs, or how we see ourselves and the world. What really matters is how our lives change after these moments happen. On either side of this realization there is an action: how we got there and what w...

Prompt: Week 4 Journal Entry: Exploring Retroactive Imagined Interactions For your only journal this week, you need to examine one of your Imagined Interactions from this week, a recurring Imagined Interaction that you have, or an Imagined Interaction that you mull/ruminate/brood on and answer the following questions for this journal: " Which II did you choose? Is it a one-time II, or is it a recurring II? Describe the imagined interaction. " How does/did the II play out? It is overall a positive II or a negative II? " How do you portray yourself in this II? For example: Are you bolder in the II than in real life? Why do you portray yourself this way in the II? " How is the II different than you in real life? How is it the same? " Do you see evidence of your mindset in this imagined interaction? One of my recurring Imagined Interactions is of the next time I get to see my friends in Afghanistan. I have been trying to learn Dari so that I can more easil...

Hope and bitterness, Strength and fear, Wisdom and pain, Trust and hurt. Why can't emotions be logical? Can't the story emotions tell be true? Why is it one or the other? Can't it just be what it is? Spinning and clarity, Hopelessness and peace, Anger and joy, Control and abandon. Where is the grace in this truth? Will I ever truly be safe? Where will the tornado drop me? Will I ever truly find hope in love? Warm and numb, Rooted and lost, Souring and crashing, Living and disappearing. When will it all make sense? How will the pieces fit together? When will I feel strong again? How will I continue to trust? War and adventure, Empty and fulfilled, Afraid and safe, Confused and solid. None of this is logical. None of this is approved. None of this is easy. None of this is loveable. I need warmth. I need acceptance. I need support. I need love. I'm left out here on my own. No one cares to understand. I just need to figure it ...

Which mindset do you have? Answer these questions about intelligence. Read each statement and decide whether you mostly agree with it or disagree with it: 1. Your intelligence is something very basic about you that you can't change very much. Mostly Disagree 2. You can learn new things, but you can't really change how intelligent you are. Mostly Disagree 3. No matter how much intelligence you have, you can always change it quite a lot. Mostly Agree 4. You can always substantially change how intelligent you are. Mostly agree Also answer these questions about personality using the same "mostly agree" or "mostly disagree" answers: 1. You are a certain kind of person, and there is not much that can be done to really change that. Mostly Disagree 2. No matter what kind of person you are, you can always change substantially. Mostly Agree 3. You can do things differently, but the important parts of who you are can't really be changed. Mostly Disagree 4....

Prompt: While we will have ups and downs over the course of time, think about whether or not your self-talk has been predominantly negative or positive over the course of your life. Really reflect on what you can recall of your self talk in the past, and think about the self talk you have with yourself on a daily basis now to answer this question. Once you've got an idea of if you're more positive or negative in your self-talk, think about why it's that way. Can you identify any influences or contributing factors that make you more positive/negative? What are they and how did they specifically impact your self talk? Identify two or three significant life experiences that you think may have impacted your self-talk and made it what it is today. MAKE SURE TO LINK TO AT LEAST 3 CONCEPTS FROM THE MATERIAL ON SELF-TALK IN THE SCREEN-CASTS & POWERPOINT FOR THIS WEEK! Consider what voices in your past and present have impacted your inner voice. Use this journal to capture a sna...

PROMPT: Reflect on the ways that your communication produces, maintains, transforms and repairs your reality. How does thinking about communication in this way change the way you view your everyday communicative interactions with yourself and with others? Does this introduce an ethical component into our understanding of communication, since yours and others reality is at stake? Most of the time when we communicate we do it without a whole lot of thought. When we see a friend we ask them how they are, when we are eating dinner we comment on how good the food is, or when there is snow on the ground we tell our friends to drive safe. These are things that we naturally do without thinking much about it because they are what our culture has thought us to do, and there is nothing wrong with that! As much as I hate small talk I have learned that nearly every relationship starts with small talk. From the moment we begin interacting with someone we are communicating something and therefore a...

I've been doing a lot of work on myself lately. I've been in counseling for over 2 years, through a weekend that was designed to shift my individual reality, have started taking medication for anxiety and am now a part of a Soul Group with other women trying to figure themselves out. Now one of the required classes for my degree is an IntrApersonal Communications class... a class on how we communicate with ourselves. It's been a long time since I have blogged consistently, but this class requires a journal entry type of refection every week and I thought that this would be a good opportunity to allow you (whoever you are reading this) back into the inner-workings of my life. So for the next 10 weeks I plan to post my processing and ramblings here each week. I'm also in the process of moving...again (but this time we bought our house!) so you might also get some random poems or notes I find through the moving process. My hope is that I walk this journey someone out th...

On the surface, Strong. Confidently moving forward. A life of purpose and direction. A little deeper, Peaceful. Smiles freely given. Laughter and encouragement flow. Deeper again, Juggling. Struggling to add one more ball. Stress and exhaustion bleeding through. Digging deeper, Frustrated. Struggling to let go of hurt. Anger and pain suppressed. Even deeper, Tension. Confusion bounces around. Right and wrong argue. Deeper once more, Fire. The torment of emotions burn. Fear and furry pushing through. Deeper still, Shame. Good is never good enough. Guilt and darkness all consuming. Dare to go deeper, Loathing. Failure obvious. Self hatred and disappointment take grip. Deepest, Dark. Strength, Peace, Juggling, Frustration, Tension, Confusion, Fire, Shame, Loathing, and Darkness. All blotting out the Son Of Hope. Tears of hopeless dreams tear at the soul. Looking up from the void. A small glint of Light . Hope reborn. Psalm 62:8 Trust in ...

This is what is giving me peace tonight. Leaving it up go God and trusting that he has a plan. Either direction life goes in the next few weeks I really just want it to be his plan. It's hard when I know what I want the plan to be... And I'm pretty sure he has the same idea, but it still has to fall into place. I TRUST YOU GOD.  I don’t know where to go from here It all used to seem so clear I’m finding I can’t do this on my own I don’t know where to go from here As long as I know that You are near I’m done fighting I’m finally letting go I will trust in You You’ve never failed before I will trust in You Chorus If there’s a road I should walk Help me find it If I need to be still Give me peace for the moment Whatever Your will Whatever Your will Can you help me find it Can you help me find it I’m giving You fear and You give faith I giving you doubt You give me grace For every step I’ve never been alone Even when it hurts, You’ll have Your way Even in the valley I will say With...

Church tonight inspired a few thoughts I want to explore, however I think I really only have time for one tonight. I'm looking at a subject that plegues many young people (and old)... What do I do with my life? What does God want me to do with my life? How do I know this is right? As Christians we many times strive to do the right things, pray about big desiccions, and do God's will. While in some situations God does make it painfully clear that this is right or wrong, with most things in life it's a toss up. If you have two options and neither are a sin, how do we know what to do? My whole life I have been a big fan of this thing called "free will". It is the idea that the God who created us, chose to give us the ability and freedom to make our own choices (right or wrong) as we live life on this bazar earth. "Free will" has been and will always be a big debate with Christians. Many would say that there is no such thing as free will because God is o...

It's been a while so I thought I'd just look at my life for a second and process a few things that have been running through my mind as of late. My goal in life has been to be different, to be a light in darkness, to see life and people through God's eyes. While it has been hard to keep sight of these goals at times it has been the center of my life as long as I can remember. As a kid that meant things like wearing punk or emo clothes... with a big smile. Or being friends with the person everyone thought was weird. Or coloring my hair, getting piercings and tattoos, at the same time as serving in my Church's sunday school. I was the sports girl at school, and the nerd at the gym, I tried everything, so as not to get the one "label" placed on me like everyone else had. These were great things as a teenager, even a young adult. But what now? I'm a grown up. Even sitting here at work on haloween dressed up like Rainbow Bright (if you haven't read the ...

Well since no one reads this any more I fee like I can be totally honest. I'm falling apart. I don't know what to do. I'm going through life more and more alone every day. I'm just trying to hold everyone together. Best friend is getting married, there is always drama that comes with a wedding. My other best friend I'm pretty sure just hates me and I don't know how to even start repairing our friendship. My mom was in two accidents in the past six months and is far from herself. I just got engaged and my family has no money, but everyone is planning a big wedding anyways. I never see my Fiancee except when he comes home from work just long enough to kiss me before he crashes. I feel so so far away from God and I feel guily every time I talk to him and I know that feeling is not from him but from the Devil but I'm not strong enough to fight it alone, and everyone else is to busy to help. I'm just so alone and breaking.