Broken Love

My School Girls, If only you could see. See the real me. The crazy one. The fun one. I love to party. I love people. Every person. You're all special. I'm really quite loud. I hardly shut up in group settings. Unless it's to watch. Seeing who people really are. I love to listen. Listen to heart ache. Listen to joys. Laughter and tears are my favorite. I wish you could see me. High with out drugs. Drunk with out wine. Content with out sex. It's possible you know. A good time with out regret. A party with out wild times. Loving life. I hate to run. I love to run. To let go. Be free. Friends are the only things that keep me. I have so so many. I walk in. EVERYONE knows my name if I want them to or not. I love coming home. Feeling known and loved. For who I am. Cherished. I know that's not life anymore. I'm at it alone. Nameless in the world. Just another person praying to make a mark. I wish you could see. Jesus who sees you. Forgives you. Loves you. I pray. You w...

Wasn't enough, Not enough, Never enough. What to change? What to find? Who to be? Not a perfect fit, Different, Is it possible? Love, How is so wrong, So right? Just a smile, That reaches your eyes, Makes you laugh. For that, Not this, Not me. Just a tear, A sob, Freedom to let go. For this, Not that, Not me. The want, The desire, The need. Maybe? Soon? Someday? Feelings. Dreams. Truth. Feelings, dreams, truth, Spinning, Contredicting. Lost. For now? Forever? For what? Taken. Pain of love, Pain of joy, Pain of tears. Broken. Trying to forget, Trying to let go, Trying to breath. Frozen. Reaching for light, Reaching for love, Reaching for hope. Weak. Possible hope, Possible joy, Possible freedom. God.

I once told my mom that I think the reason I have so many guys after me all the time is not because they like who I am or are drawn to ME, but the fact that I have a relationship with God and they can see God shinning through me. So I've asked people is that me having a big ego for thinking that God uses me that much? Or is it me thinking so litte of who I am that people can't love me for me? What's the balance? I often feel like every time God gives me a good close friend (with about 2 exceptions) weather a boyfried or just any friend, that persons life falls apart. (even had friends joke that we can't be firends anymore because they don't want their life to crash. lol) I can be there to help them through it and speak truth and then they are taken away no matter how much I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel like God uses me to help others get through **** and then tosses me aside. I'm left alone. Broken and hurting. I thought I had fianally found someone who wou...

This world. I have lived in this world for 18 years... Never REALLY fit in... Always something different. BUT THIS!??!?! I love my school. I love what I do. I love learning. I love the teachers. I hate the girrlie girl feel. I hate the gossip. I hate the back stabbing. I hate the "seeing how much we can get away with". I hate the constent sex talk. I hate the minipulation. I hate the partying. Friends turning on friends. Sorry not exactly a place I can fit into. Sure people are nice but I have no one to sit with. Eat lunch with. Talk with during the long hours of standing there doing hair. Just lonely. I was in tears the other night in the arms of my hero (dustin), saying that I don't fit in and that this world is crule and noone loves anymore. He looked at me and smile. "Good. I'm glad you don't fit in. According to God his fallowers never really fit into this world. You're not suposed to fit in." Well dang! That changed my out look on what I was f...

I'm sorry. I have no life. No life to give to you. I'm in school 44 hours a week. Working right after that three nights a week. I was always there. Now I can't be. I'm sorry. I'm doing my best. Forgive me.

Holding a bag, Carrying my shattered heart. Tied tight, Securely hidden. Only ones with eyes, See the lump concealed by my breast. A chance, To see ME. Broken. Late in the dark, Peaking into the bag. Mourning the broken shards, That used to be my heart. Tall, big, scary, man, Walking slowly into the light. Staring at me, Reaching to me. I turn and run, Fast not far. Fear grips me, I've dropped the bag. My heart, Gone forever. In the hands, Of a stranger. I stop and turn, Terrified at what I'll see. Horror and shock, Grip my every being. He sits down, Gently picking up the pieces. Pulling from his pocket, A needle and golden thread. Stitching with care, Even the smallest shards back together. Standing he hands me my heart, Whole and beautiful. Eyes so kind, forgiving, loving, The eyes of my Maker. Held in the arms of my Savior, Peace at last.

You place them in my life. Weak, Hurting, Confused. I point them to you. Strength, Life, Joy. Then like a conveyor belt, They're gone and moved on. I've done my job, Fixing the broken pieces. They skip on with life. All the time, A smile on my face. Fingers torn and sore, Heart ripped in two. Exhausted and hurting. Looking for any to heal, Perhaps one I helped. A kind soul to mend, The messy pieces of my heart. No One. All gone, All happy, All alone. You teach me, To teach them. How do I learn? You help me, To help them, Where is my help? You comfort me, To comfort them. Where is my hug? Pain so raw, So real. Tears flow like rain, A thunderstorm. Afraid to find, Hope, Joy, or Love. Fear of fixing, Of disappearing. Lost, alone, shaking, crying, scared, hurting..... DARK