Broken Love

April 7, 2010 A guy in a truck ran a red light as I was turning left across his lane. I saw him at the last second and so I sped up. Thank God. He hit only the part of my car behind the back tire on the drivers side.The frame of the car was pushed off so much that my car was totaled. I was able to keep in in control and pulled off into a gas station where a cop just happened to be sitting. He didn't see the lights or the actual impact but it made me feel so much better to know he was right there. Turns out the guy didn't have insurance and since they said it was his fault I should have gotten a butt load of money for a new car and a free rental until I could get a car. Instead my insurance covered it... and by covered it I mean they gave me $580 for my car... not exactly enough to get a new car. Ya. God had some other things in mind... My family has had one car ever since then. Six people who all have insane lives to keep up with and Seth's surgeries. It's been a crazy ...

I'm at a place in my life once again where I feel like I'm drowning.... trying to hold my breth a little longer just until I can push to the top and break the water.... I can finally see the sun shining through... ALMOST THERE. I will graduate Beauty school early Aug. It's been a year of testing my faith and my sanity. Also, a year of seeing what I'm made of and how I can effect people and stretch my creativity skills. can't wait to be done... ALMOST I'm stuck under a crap load of debt from school... And just getting ready to be able to start paying it off and get on my feet. ALMOST I'm single and am living my own life... the way I want to... It's amazing... though I still don't fully know what I want my life to look like. Time will tell. Only God knows. He'll let me in on it some day. ALMOST I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and when I'm invited somewhere I go. I'm for the first time in my life acutally CHOOSING MY OWN FRIENDS! Sp...

These are random poems that I never really finished... all written about a guy I dated. I never really finished any of them for a number of reasons. 1 I lost them and just found them in a random note book. lol 2 The relationship ended. 3 It hurts to much to finnish. So here's a small look into my guys. :) (all of wich I still love as dear friends fyi ) Guys are sometimes rude, Nearly always crude. BUT, sometimes they can be totally sweet, I mean having a guy look at you is really neat. He's as cute as a bug, When he gives you a hug. But where are his eyes staring? Dont you think that's a little daring? But then he lightly touches your hand, Oh the tingle down yor spine is so grand! What does he say when you're not around? Is he talking to his friends and putting you down? When he says something to make you blush, Your heart just turns to mush. You give a long sigh, With so much happiness how could one die? But then you blink, And so much faster than you think. You grew ...

My School Girls, If only you could see. See the real me. The crazy one. The fun one. I love to party. I love people. Every person. You're all special. I'm really quite loud. I hardly shut up in group settings. Unless it's to watch. Seeing who people really are. I love to listen. Listen to heart ache. Listen to joys. Laughter and tears are my favorite. I wish you could see me. High with out drugs. Drunk with out wine. Content with out sex. It's possible you know. A good time with out regret. A party with out wild times. Loving life. I hate to run. I love to run. To let go. Be free. Friends are the only things that keep me. I have so so many. I walk in. EVERYONE knows my name if I want them to or not. I love coming home. Feeling known and loved. For who I am. Cherished. I know that's not life anymore. I'm at it alone. Nameless in the world. Just another person praying to make a mark. I wish you could see. Jesus who sees you. Forgives you. Loves you. I pray. You w...

Wasn't enough, Not enough, Never enough. What to change? What to find? Who to be? Not a perfect fit, Different, Is it possible? Love, How is so wrong, So right? Just a smile, That reaches your eyes, Makes you laugh. For that, Not this, Not me. Just a tear, A sob, Freedom to let go. For this, Not that, Not me. The want, The desire, The need. Maybe? Soon? Someday? Feelings. Dreams. Truth. Feelings, dreams, truth, Spinning, Contredicting. Lost. For now? Forever? For what? Taken. Pain of love, Pain of joy, Pain of tears. Broken. Trying to forget, Trying to let go, Trying to breath. Frozen. Reaching for light, Reaching for love, Reaching for hope. Weak. Possible hope, Possible joy, Possible freedom. God.

I once told my mom that I think the reason I have so many guys after me all the time is not because they like who I am or are drawn to ME, but the fact that I have a relationship with God and they can see God shinning through me. So I've asked people is that me having a big ego for thinking that God uses me that much? Or is it me thinking so litte of who I am that people can't love me for me? What's the balance? I often feel like every time God gives me a good close friend (with about 2 exceptions) weather a boyfried or just any friend, that persons life falls apart. (even had friends joke that we can't be firends anymore because they don't want their life to crash. lol) I can be there to help them through it and speak truth and then they are taken away no matter how much I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel like God uses me to help others get through **** and then tosses me aside. I'm left alone. Broken and hurting. I thought I had fianally found someone who wou...

This world. I have lived in this world for 18 years... Never REALLY fit in... Always something different. BUT THIS!??!?! I love my school. I love what I do. I love learning. I love the teachers. I hate the girrlie girl feel. I hate the gossip. I hate the back stabbing. I hate the "seeing how much we can get away with". I hate the constent sex talk. I hate the minipulation. I hate the partying. Friends turning on friends. Sorry not exactly a place I can fit into. Sure people are nice but I have no one to sit with. Eat lunch with. Talk with during the long hours of standing there doing hair. Just lonely. I was in tears the other night in the arms of my hero (dustin), saying that I don't fit in and that this world is crule and noone loves anymore. He looked at me and smile. "Good. I'm glad you don't fit in. According to God his fallowers never really fit into this world. You're not suposed to fit in." Well dang! That changed my out look on what I was f...