Broken Love

You are the reason, The way I am, What I'm going through. Yes it's all your fault! I could never say it before, Couldn't not be be ok, Because of you. Yes it's all your fault! I held it all in, Let it tare me to peaces, Shred my heart. Yes it's all your fault! Stepping into a horror film, All alone, With out you by my side. Yes it's all your fault! Putting on a face, The smile, Showing everything is ok. Yes it's all your fault! No knowing where to turn, Lost in the Amazon of life, Unable to see past the trees.... Guess what?! That too, is all your fault! Do you want to know why? Why I torcher myself? For you, I did it for you. To spare your pain, The pain of my pain, The pain of guilt. For you, I did it for you. Because you are so amazing, Sweet and gentle, Softer than most see. For you, I did it for you. I love you, For who YOU REALLY are, Your amazingness. For you, I did it for you. Because you are more important, Than how I feel, Weather or not I'm b...

So for the past few months I have been really trying to get used to not having a guy there all the time saying I'm beautiful and that he misses me and always asking if we can do something or talk. This has been something I have struggled with a lot. Now I don't think that not having a guy right now is a bad thing, what happened happened. God knew what he was doing and it really is for the best and I'm mostly glad I don't have a boyfriend right now. But it has still been hard. For the past few years I have seen my self climing to the top of a steep rocky clif where at the top I finally will find "self actualization" (as Meg Cabbot would say), my self confidence, the real me. I have been slowly climbing... a few times a long the way God has given me some nice "foot holds" and "hand holds" to push me up, colser to that goal. Sometimes those hand holds I don't see as helping, it makes me feel stuck until I can figure out what to do. Two sum...

Thursday night when I was 13.... "Mom I'm not sure what to wear tomorrow... and I need to figure it out so I can do my nails before bed... and I don't know how to do my hair tomorrow.... I could just do it boring or I could get up at four thirty to do it all cool... I NEED HELP MOM!" Tonight at 17.... " What the heck am I thinking?" "Telling coach that I can't make all the pratices' even meets cuz I'm getting behind in school... I'm going to turn into one of THOSE girls that thinks that they can get away with anything,,, dang I don't want to be that way and have people see me that way." "Why on earth am I sitting here I HAVE to get my math done, I'm a week behind!" " I don't know how I'm going to get by with this pay check for two freakn weeks cuz of debate camp." "So weird to ask coach what is wrong wiht my legs..and her just to look at me and say 'It sucks getting old'. Man... ...

So around this time last year I posted that my life flashed before my eyes.... and guess what it happened again! I was going to chemistry (and I'm allllll done now! yay! ) and as i pulled up these three dogs were around my car like wating for me to get out... now first I have always had nightmares about dogs chasing me... part of the reason I'm up this late...I don't want to sleep. lol so I'm sitting there thinking maybe I shouldn't get out of the car... but then I'm like "your so being stupid sarah!" so I got out of the car and got my books and everything then started to SLOWLY walk across the street to my teachers house... and they kinda start barking and growling a little... so I kinda started to talk nicely to them (like that would help) and kept walking slowly... then one of them took a step twards me and so I started to back up... then they charged me! so I throw my books at the one nearest me ( I think he was like the leader or something) and hi...

Once again I can put on a smile, Proudly covering it for a while. Years of work undone, Back past where it begun. Nothing is what it used to be, Not even how I see. Colors dissapre., More and more with every unshed tear. One little word... HOPE, Some how always helped me cope. The word that used to keep me strong, It's not working... It's gone. Hope stood up and left, Or maybe it's theft. The devil grabbing and stealing, Any chance I have of healing. Completely a lone, What is he doing up on His mighty throne? Maybe shedding a tear or two, Like there's nothing He can do! Friends falling apart, For once I don't know where to start. They all say I'm outside the norm, No idea that behind the smile rages a storm. Stomic always in knots, In my head hearing shots. Eyes aching, Heart breaking. Life as a whole, Is out of my control. I don't know what to do, There's no one to hand it to. Exhausted to no extent, Every last reserve spent. Into bed I'm falling, ...

Every time I think I'm done it's back, As if I was running on a track. Far away I think I'm done, Looking up only to see that I have more to run. Wanting to jump the circle... round and round, Yet there is something keeping me bound. Begging till I'm emotionally dead, God why can't I cut the thread!? Whatever it is in which I'm stuck, The place where I'm out of luck. Not knowing wheat I'm supposed to learn, Where emotions and pain sear and burn. Memories everywhere I go, Ice cream, stores, or a show. Each flash back stabbing and hurting, Pulling me back to when life was about enjoying. Back to where I started, To that night we parted. Tears streaming, Each one full of meaning. Not sure what to do with emotion, Easy just to shut it in a tin. Binding it tight so no one sees my need, Holding the wound so no one can see it bleed. This is where I am, No longer telling you I can. No longer in a circle, but straight in line I'll go, Some day, even to me the...

Surrounded by color, Blind. Vibranceness overwhelming, Blind. Music floating through life, Deaf. Tapping, whistling, strumming, Deaf. Soft velvet to the finger tips, Nothing. Puppy slobber on the face, Nothing. Fresh apple pie and rain, Scentless. Sweet roses and sexy cologne, Scentless. Mac and cheese, Tasteless. Mint chocolate chip ice cream, Tasteless. Laughter and smiles, Numb. Hugs and tears, Numb.