Broken Love

Every time I think I'm done it's back, As if I was running on a track. Far away I think I'm done, Looking up only to see that I have more to run. Wanting to jump the circle... round and round, Yet there is something keeping me bound. Begging till I'm emotionally dead, God why can't I cut the thread!? Whatever it is in which I'm stuck, The place where I'm out of luck. Not knowing wheat I'm supposed to learn, Where emotions and pain sear and burn. Memories everywhere I go, Ice cream, stores, or a show. Each flash back stabbing and hurting, Pulling me back to when life was about enjoying. Back to where I started, To that night we parted. Tears streaming, Each one full of meaning. Not sure what to do with emotion, Easy just to shut it in a tin. Binding it tight so no one sees my need, Holding the wound so no one can see it bleed. This is where I am, No longer telling you I can. No longer in a circle, but straight in line I'll go, Some day, even to me the...

Surrounded by color, Blind. Vibranceness overwhelming, Blind. Music floating through life, Deaf. Tapping, whistling, strumming, Deaf. Soft velvet to the finger tips, Nothing. Puppy slobber on the face, Nothing. Fresh apple pie and rain, Scentless. Sweet roses and sexy cologne, Scentless. Mac and cheese, Tasteless. Mint chocolate chip ice cream, Tasteless. Laughter and smiles, Numb. Hugs and tears, Numb.

"If needed the oxygen masks will drop above the seat in front of you. Please place it completely over your mouth and nose. Do not proceed to help those around you until it is tightly on and you are breathing normally. " So I was 9 I think and I went to Hawaii and when the video on the airplane said that I was stunned! Why would I give myself air before my little brothers could breath? They needed me to be there for them, to save them. Wouldn't it be selfish to save myself first? I would much rather die than to have my little brothers taken from me. And then there is that verse in the Bible where Jesus talks about taking the plank out of your eye before removing if from your friends. Dude if me and hannah banana were both in pain with wood in our eyes and I could help her and be in pain just a little longer to to help her feel better faster... I would! Sounded to me like Jesus was pretty selfish! But over the past few years I have been doing a lot of travlling and flying ...

My Heroes would be Carly Patterson... 2004 all around gold gymnast. Ya'll are going to laugh but Hillary Duff... because she is almost as big of a star as a lot of people but she isn't a slut, doesn't cuss, or anything like that she is a good roll model for all the younger girls. And ya my parents...My Dad is one of the strongest most faith filled people I know, he listens to God and follows with out question. My Mom is like my best friend... always there to listen and tell me how smart, stupid, logical, emotional, strong, or just weird I'm being. The arms that hold me when I cry, the soft voice that sings and prays me to sleep. My little brother... he is 15 but will always be the little boy that I gave the blue bunny to the day he was born... except now he is tall and toned and... well a brat! I wouldn't have it any other way... he is my phycolagest and joker all in one... the shoulder to cry on even if it's stupid girl things... the one that's saying it...

Swrelling around in my head. needles poking, nails driving. Knife of sorrow to the heart. Confusion billowing. searching for truth. Begging for joy. Lost in the cloud. Drowning in uncertainties. Sinking to hopelessness. Fighting against nourishment. Wishing for the ideal. Always wanting... never satisfied. Love here, gone, then back again. Soft surrounding security. Two languages to speak. Iron wall like a damn. Punching, yet not a dent. Trapped by the one with the key. Emptiness is all that's felt. Loud silence is all that's heard. Darkness is all that's seen. Annoying buzz. Chilling breeze. Space is the only thing near. Beams of joyful hope. A day, a night, a moment. Covered by storm clouds. No way to let go. No way to move on. No way to get out. Stuck. Unmoving. Trapped.

My mom has been reading Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis (amazing books!) to my little brothers... yes anytime I hear her reading I go curle up (with my phone for texting of course;D ) and listen. Now I know the Narnia stories in side and out..... but I haven't had time recently to read them again. So since I'm a good bit older than I was last time I'm starting to catch some of the spiritual metaphors that I wasn't seeing when I was younger. One of the things I finally understood that always confused me before was when Lucy finally saw Aslan the lion again she comments that he has grown. Now this didn't make since to me.... When we grow things tend to look smaller.... But Aslan said to her, "Every year you get older I get bigger". Now think about this.... Every year older we get the more we need God to be bigger.... and he is. As our problems grow so does our understanding of him. I know that often I look at my problems and say it's to big for God to hand...

For the last 5 or 6 years of my life I felt that it would never be my turn. It would never be my turn to be in charge It would never by my turn to have people copy the way I dress It would never be my turn to have people follow my example It would never be my turn to be up on stage as much or more than my "smart friends" It would never be my turn to have the boyfriend that every other girl wanted When I teacher would leave the room for five min they would always ask Jen or Ash to be in charge.... When ever a protect was needing done someone else would always be in charge of seeing that it got done the right way. Now I'm the one that is in charge when the teacher isn't there, I'm the one that is helping make sure the yearbook is done the right way. All my life whatever Lindsey and Jennie would wear that's what I begged my mom to buy. Bell bottoms, t-shirts with funny sayings, pretty clips, black high hill boots, hoddies, dresses, skirts, EVERYTHING! Now I'...