Broken Love

My life has been full of last minute miricals. My Mom has always said that God likes to wait till the last minute so that we know know know that it is Him. I HATE THIS. The same day that our house was going to be oxctioned away from us, our loan modification that we had been waiting on for a very long time finally came though. My poor brother Stephen comes out of the shower in a towel one morning, still covered in bubbles a pertiulary large one right over his belly button. "Um, guys I think our water just got turned off." At first hearing this you could feel the mood of the room drop, then I started to laugh. We all just looked at Stephen and couldn't stop laughing. Poor a guy. Ha ha So headed to our lovely neighbor who laughed and told him to go get in her shower. By the time he got back one of my mom's friend showed up with just enough money for the water bill and a tank of gas for my car. Seth is off in Utah and very broke hardly getting by financially, and his ho...

I've stretched, Strived, Struggled, To see each, As you see. To have kindness, Compassion, Forgiveness, For anyone, For anything. To give support, Strength, Joy, To anyone, At anytime. To see though, Your loving eyes. Each individual, For everyone, Except me. Some how I don't believe, Your love, Your fogginess, Your value, Can reach me. I've messed up, I've hurt, And been hurt. I live in a world, All my own. I care for them, For me. Hoping just for a moment, To be worthy, To be valued. So you see me? Trying, Drowning, Pushing, Crying? I want value, Only in you. No earnings, No games, Just me. Why can I see, Them with your eyes? Yet see in myself, Only flaws? Cheap. An unpolished person, Heart, Waist, Skin, Mind. Not yet worth value. That can't be, What you see! If you see her, As a flower. See him, As a rock. What about me? Define me, As you see fit. Not by my standards, Unreachable. Only though your eyes.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears. And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears. Get over your hill and see what you find there, With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair. ~Momford and Sons (After The Storm) I love this song. It is word for word where I feel like I am in my life right now. I have had many fears, shed thousands of tears (yes I cry), more than one broken heart. Now I'm trying to climb the hills and mountains of fears and temptations that try to over shadow me. Grace for My Man, being hurt deeply doesn't make it easy to leave room for anything less than perfection and that is not fair. And.... Well I'm still a kid at heart and I love flowers in my hair... and he likes flowers in my hair too ;) I figure if anyone reads this they deserve to know about this huge part of my life. :) I could go on and on about him and who he is... but seeing as this is my blog I think I shall be selfish and tell ho...

Well I'm not sure if anyone besides my parents read this any more, but I figured it does no harm to keep saying what's on my mind :) This week has been CRAZY... and not so much in a good way either. If you're in Colorado you know that we have been getting random spurts of RAIN every day. I say RAIN because it's not been the "dancing in the rain romantic" rain. It's been the pulling down branches, soaked to the bone walking to the car, almost killing my poor baby apple tree kind of RAIN. Though not going to lie I did run with my family in the rain, saved that poor apple tree, and kissed my man out in the pouring rain. So there were some smiles in the storm. Just like the rain, the bad news has been flooding in around me. Tuesday- My first day back to work after the time off to go get David from Cali. I walk in and my Boss pulls me into her office. One of our most loved managers was in an almost fatal tubing accident over the weekend. She broke her face, jaw...

Are you... An outcast? Ostrisized? Laughed at? Do you... Have a story, No one could, Possibly understand? ARe you... Scarred by religion? Rejected by friends? Judged? Do you... Walk alone, Wishing someone, Would just hold your hand? Yes? Me Too. I walk in a world, Not aloud to show my colors, Crushed by those around me. My heart burns, To have you see, The truth I have found. But the fire, Is covered, Contained at every turn. Everyone aloud to speak, Everyone, Anyone, Except me. One word, And I am judged, Rejected. My heart full of Love, Love that is strong, Even when I'm not. My fire burns with grace, Acceptance of all, Forgiveness surrounding. Love and Grace. Grace contagious, Love healing. Yet at every turn, My heart hidden, My fire qwinched. Just like you, I am rejeceted, Made a joke of. Who can understand? Love in the raw, Grace all incompacing. To have something, Something to hold on to, Besides pride and hate. I am hidden in the shadows, Strong and silent, Silent... Silent n...

In 39 min I will not be a teenager any longer. I will be 20. I know it's not old. But I keep thinking how old I feel. The presure to be a mature adult. But I think I'm figuring out that I'm having a hard time because I've been THAT already. I haven't been a teenager. My age is catching up to me. I've always tried to be one step aheead. And I have done so well. But now I'm not sure where to go next. I don't do well standing still. Well here I am. Old. Mature. Adult. In age as with everything else. I'm no longer a child. May I aways be a child at heart. Goodbye my teenage years!

Twinkling, Sparkling, Shining. City lights from the sky. Swerling, Dancing, Winking. City lights from the sky. Covering the earth, Bright and welcoming, Scarsly a dark place. City lights from the sky. Hope in my dispare, Joy in my sadness, Smiles in my tears. City lights from the sky. Stars on earth, Individual snap shots, Big picture. City lights from the sky. Open arms, Wispers of missing me, Sparkling applaulse. City lights in the sky. Life. Energy. Love. City lights from the sky. Welcome me home.

Here she lays, All alone. Beautiful even in dispare, A Princess . Worn from battle, Slowing breaths. Blood, sweat, and tears, Blood she wishes was hers. Bow without arrows, Sward dull. No reason to move, Nothing left to give. Fought with her all, To protect. Those she loves, Now safe. Where are they now? By her side? Turning to save her? Where are they now? Here she lays, All alone. Beautiful even in death, A Princess .

I'm done!!!! I'm so so freakn done! I'm done feeling like less. I'm done feeling stupid. I'm done falling for the lie that I'm not as good as the next Joe or Sally because I don't fit in the "right" box. I am freaking brilliant! If you can't see that... well your loss! Unlike many, I don't need someone else to tell me what to think, to tell me right from wrong, to show me what to do with my life. I am smart! I'm the person that people come to every day when they need help. I'm the person that will be straight with some one when others say what they want to hear. I make people feel beautiful. People stop and look at me and say "wow I've never told anyone that before". I give anyone who asks a safe enviorment to be who they really are, whoever that may be... So at the end of the day forgive me if I can't keep up with your mind twisting debates.... I'm sleepy from dealing with the heart of the people around me. Fr...

Two worlds, You and me. Feet apart, Yet the distance grows. Old blankets, Stale popcorn, Bird friends, Pen and paper. New camera, Fresh coffee, Loving community, Pen and paper. A Smile. The distance srinks. Ciggarette in hand, Torn scarff, Worn shirt, Watching the world. Cell phone in hand, Painted nails, New jacket, Watching the world. A smile. The distance shrinks. What makes us so different? Shoes on our feet? Clothes on our back? The place we sleep? This isn't WHO we are, Only what people SEE. We all ezperiance life, Good and bad. Our own set of struggles, One not making us better. This is who we are. Free spirits, Surching for direction. Hearts, Longing for love. A smile. The distance shrinks. Eyes surching, For new adventure. Body longging, To be free. Piggions eating popcorn, Not caring who's side their on. Yours or mine, It's all the same. Living life together. When I went to see my man in Cali I was wandering around San Diago while David was at work. I came across ...