Changing the world for HIM

Update on life!

2009-10-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

God does some weird things. Sometimes we need to step back and then take a step to fallow him in trust and faith.

There you go. That sums up my life right about now! lol

Well I'm going to Beauty school now. I thought I was going there to learn to make people look good and feel good about themselves. Okay ya but there is so much more to it than that!

At school about half of the people I'm with and talking to all day work night jobs and "gentleman's clubs". Most of the girls are already moms. Most of them no older than me. So so much pain. So much gossip. So much hiding. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Searching.

I know now that God has placed me there to be a light. Maybe I'll never get to be a "witness" to any of them but I can live in light and not judge and love them all... sometimes that's the best we can do. Though if God opens the door I'll jump and do a handspring (gymnast at heart still!) through and give it my all. These girls are all trying to make a better life for themselves and kids. They are so so strong and smart. I really respect them.

Saying that, it has been hard to go from a strict homeschool environment to a very open "free" way of looking at life. I have had to leave class because of movies showing. Stand there and wrapping perms praying for the girls around me listing to their stories. Keep my mouth shut even when I have so so much to say. Answer questions on why I wear a ring on my left hand and am not engaged (purity ring just in case you didn't know :D). I got in trouble for talking about church and politics.

I have felt so so alone and trapped in a world where I didn't fit in or have any support. I did hunt down a couple christian girls who I love dearly :) but it's still not like we can even talk about anything that really matters in life. lol No wonder people think hairstylists are air heads! They are all to afraid to offend some one to share anything smart! Sigh. lol

One story really fast before I fall asleep! one of my favorite educators told this to us in class...

There was a Salon owner. One day about two min till close one day a lady came in asking for a hair cut, it was late and none of the stylists wanted to take her. So the owner took her back to a chair herself.

She noticed when the Lady walked in that she was kinda out of it, not looking anyone in the eye, giving yes and no answers to everything, slouching in the chair. The owner talked to the lady and tried to get her to loosen up a little and give her a hair style that would make her feel good abouy herself. She also asked the lady about her life and just anything she could do to keep the lady talking. She didn't learn much about the lady but an hour later the guest walked out of the store with a smile on her face. The owner saw that she was talking more and looking her in the eye more and standing up straight.

The owner closed up and moved on with life but still wondering about the lady that seemed so down.

A few days later the lady called and told her she wanted to thank her. Because she was planning on killing herself that night. The fact that the owner stayed open late just for her and spent a whole hour showing she was important and beautiful changed how she looked at life and decided to give living another go.

Yes our job goes way beyond hair. You never know who might be sitting in your chair and the chance you have to change a life. Just as important as a politician or a musician thank you very much ;)

Dark

2009-12-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

You place them in my life.
Weak,
Hurting,
Confused.

I point them to you.
Strength,
Life,
Joy.

Then like a conveyor belt,
They're gone and moved on.
I've done my job,
Fixing the broken pieces.
They skip on with life.

All the time,
A smile on my face.
Fingers torn and sore,
Heart ripped in two.
Exhausted and hurting.

Looking for any to heal,
Perhaps one I helped.
A kind soul to mend,
The messy pieces of my heart.
No One.

All gone,
All happy,
All alone.

You teach me,
To teach them.
How do I learn?

You help me,
To help them,
Where is my help?

You comfort me,
To comfort them.
Where is my hug?

Pain so raw,
So real.
Tears flow like rain,
A thunderstorm.

Afraid to find,
Hope, Joy, or Love.
Fear of fixing,
Of disappearing.

Lost, alone, shaking, crying, scared, hurting.....
DARK

Broken Shards

2009-12-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

Holding a bag,
Carrying my shattered heart.
Tied tight,
Securely hidden.

Only ones with eyes,
See the lump concealed by my breast.
A chance,
To see ME.
Broken.

Late in the dark,
Peaking into the bag.
Mourning the broken shards,
That used to be my heart.

Tall, big, scary, man,
Walking slowly into the light.
Staring at me,
Reaching to me.

I turn and run,
Fast not far.
Fear grips me,
I've dropped the bag.

My heart,
Gone forever.
In the hands,
Of a stranger.

I stop and turn,
Terrified at what I'll see.
Horror and shock,
Grip my every being.

He sits down,
Gently picking up the pieces.
Pulling from his pocket,
A needle and golden thread.

Stitching with care,
Even the smallest shards back together.
Standing he hands me my heart,
Whole and beautiful.

Eyes so kind, forgiving, loving,
The eyes of my Maker.
Held in the arms of my Savior,
Peace at last.

Free To Be Me by Francesca Battistelli

2009-10-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me When

I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

Cinderella

2008-11-15T23:13:00.000-08:00

Every time I look around me what do I see?
People haply ever after,
At least for a month or two.

But every tine I look I can't see you.
Who are you?
The person I will love.

Do I know you now or do I have to wait?
For my own happy parade to finally start.
To feel your arms around me.

I know it won't be perfect all the time,
It can't be.
But when it is true we will make it just fine.

I need you here now.
The ups and downs of life are slowly killing me.
Where is your comforting hug?

How do you think I can stand now?
Now when everything is falling,
Without your strong arm to cling to Ill sink.

I don't mean to complain,
There are good times too,
Like laughing over fruit juice and singing kids songs.

I want to share them with you too.
The good, crazy, wiled, random side.
You probably won't get but you'll smile anyways.

I'm told I'm unique,
Different in so many ways.
A hard personality to fit.

I'm a colorful person,
Who you can't put a color to.
Can you handle that?

So different from anyone else,
I think it scares all the guys,
Don't tell but it scares even me.

God had to make you really special.
So strong and brave,
But sweet and gentle too.

I can't wait to find you!
To finally stop guessing.
For once just to know!

Who are you?
I wish God would just let me know,
Stop all this guessing and waiting.

I need my prince,
Just like everyone else.
It's Cinderella in reverse.

What Guys Hate! (5. Stop! Think!)

2009-10-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

So this is the last I'm going to do on the whole guys/girls thing. I mostly want to bring it back to the main point. My almost-brother Kyle reminded me that some some times guys like it when girls do some of the little "annoying" things I have been talking about.

Though a lot of the time it's when you're already dating the guy when they like these things. My boyfriend loves getting off work to 10 random texts about whatever comes to mind when we aren't talking.... or so he says... lol ;)

All I'm going to say is play it by ear. There is a guy out there for each of you and you don't need to play games to get him. If he is the right one he will love you for you :) all this was for is to maybe open some minds to how guys think a little more.

So ladies!

You have some ideas. You are figuring out who YOU are. You are learning who God made YOU. Go out there with confidance and have fun!... Okay not TOO much ;)

What Guys Hate! (4. What are you thinking?)

2009-09-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

What the guys said!

"We can't read minds!"

"How am I supposed to tell what you're thinking if you don't tell me?"

"How would I know? You never said that."

Ladies, the guys will be the first to admit that they can't read us! We often think, hey maybe I could drop a hint here, or maybe I'll kinda say what I mean and make him figure it out. Ya sorry guys are stupid when it comes to us, though we girls could use some help on learning about guys too. lol

But we blame them for messing up all the time when they don't really even know what the heck we want! It's not fair to play games or drop hints. If by some mirical they pick up on a hit you drop it will most likely be taken the wrong way. lol So don't even risk it with something important.

Guys like black and white. That's what they understand. Weather it's about if you like him or not, or what you guys are going to do today, or that you want him to buy you flowers, or serious things like how you're feeling, or sexual boundries. BLACK AND WHITE PLEASE! None of this making them guess or using "colors" or "gray areas" . You will never be happy or get what you want if you're not straight up with them. If they ask a question then PLEASE give them a straight up answer. ( I know I know I suck at this but I'm working on it!)

BUT.

Guys do like mystry. We can be flirty and fun and some what mysterious. Just not about all the little things that don't matter or all the big things that really really matter. Keep that in mind when learning to interact with guys.

One last serious thought. If you give a straight answer about ANYTHING stick to it. Don't let they guys change your mind... I tnow they are oh so cute but don't let that control you ;) That's for God to do. :)
love ya'll!!!

Forest Princess

2009-03-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

She wanders,
A princess.
In the dark she shudders,
Her beauty priceless.

Her gown flowing,
Marking her for royalty.
Hair softly blowing,
A vision of unreality.

Heading to a secret place,
Known only to him.
The sun as lace,
Light beginning to dim.

Tucked safe away,
She waits.
Watching the fading day,
She waits.

Startled by a sound,
She turns.
Beautiful eyes dancing around,
Perfect body burns.

Ready to give everything,
Body, soul, and mind.
Dreaming of anything,
Heart still innocent and kind.

Oh where is he?
Will he ever come?
Where could he be?
To her could he shun?

Light fades from the sky,
What should would give for it to hold on.
A crystal tear sliding from her eye,
Then the sun is gone.

She peers from the trees,
Hiding her existence.
Tears blurring what she sees,
Resisting her resistance.

He holds the keys,
To her secret heart.
The only one that really sees,
Nothing can keep the two apart.

Soft shoulders stoop,
Hope disappearing with the sun.
Head begins spinning in a loop,
Mind, body, and soul telling her it's done.

Sapphire eyes glitter with tears,
Lying herself down on the cool grass.
Thinking back through the memories of the years,
Closing eyes and surrendering all hope alas.

Awaken from a slumber with no dreams,
She turns ready to die.
He is there holding out his hand to her it seems,
Without thought she embraces him with a sigh.

What Guys Hate! (3. TALKING!)

2009-07-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

What the guys said!

"When girls talk about random nothings for hours at a time."
"Gossip"
"Calling other girls sluts beause they are prettier or have a better body than you"

Pretty much in the words of Peter Pan "Girls talk to much!"

Part 1. Randomly Talking

An old proverb once said, "Do not speak unless you can improve the silence."

I am a girl, I know how our minds work. Shiny! Sun! Hockey! Hair! Boys! Jump! Email! Flying! Time! Boys! Text! Bunny! Clouds!

Ya.... guys don't laugh that took me about 10 seconds to come up with, its just how we think.
Girls here is a test, have a guy read those random thoughts I garentee that all they will say is "wow" or "what the heck is she on?" lol
Guys don't think this way, and it drives them crazy in abut 3 minutes. Going back to the last blog, unless you have something to say, in the words of Josiah, "You're prettier when you don't talk."

Part 2. Gossip!

Yes this is a hard one, because half of the time we don't know that we are doing it. But it's not only something that hurts others, starts fights, breaks up friendships, but it drives the guys CRAZY!
there is a goo reason it does too, and that's because it's stupid! lol Sometimes we do need to talk to someone about those around us, work through things with someone else. That's okay. Find one or two GIRLS you can really trust and talk to them about it. Guys don't want to hear about all our girl drama.

Part 3. Bad Mouthinging

So if you see a girl that always turns the heads of the guys that you are with, Do NOT call her a slut or a whore. First off she probably is a normal girl she is insicure and dealing with really hard things. Sometimes the guys say it, then it must really be true! But really I walk around all the time with groups of guys, yes I get dirty looks, so really why would I want to do that to someonther girl. Just don't bad mouth another girl beause she is always with guys, is really pretty, or has a better body. Be conifdant in YOU.

I think I will always close with this, Girls God made YOU for a reason. Please please find who you are in him and grow in that. Let God be your guide. When you can do that you are capible of catching any guys eye. Because a guy like someone who is different, and a girl who is confidant, THAT is different.

What Guys Hate! (2. Drama Queens! x2)

2009-07-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

Just have to say.... I just got a lap top! This is the first blog written on it! lol

Okay Let's Just Jump In!
This is what the guys said!

"Really Clingy."

"Self-exclusion just for attiontion."

"Supper flirty"

"Acting like their life is horible when it is really better than most"

So what does this mean?

DON'T BE A DRAMA QUEEN!

There are two main ways to do this. 1. Being Clingy, and 2. Excluding yourself. Both of these thing are don for the same reason... to get as much attiontion as you can and have every one focused on you. Ouch. I know right? But seriously it's true. Yes we all do this in some form but we are only going to look at the top two the guys talked about.

Part 1. Being Realy Clingy!

Okay this goes for if you are dating the guy, if you just like him, if you are trying to get him to like you, or if you are even just friends!
TEXTING!!!!!!
I know I know guys are so much more fun to text than other girls, espechialy when we're bored. But the guys really can't take it all the time. What's to much then? Yes it depends on the guy and what your relationship with them is. Unless you are dating and he just loves to talk or HE starts the convo, I'm sorry! Once a day is to much! Once every three days isn't bad. Once or twice a week would be great!
When a guy get's five texts a day telling him how hungry you are, what you're wearing, what your pet did that day, or the latest gossip.... He will someday just stop responding. If you really like talking to a guy here's some good rules of thumb if you're not sure if you should text him or not. Ask these questions.
1. When was the last time you talked?
Yesterday? To soon. Wait at least one day if not two before starting a convo.
2. Who started the last convo?
You? okay make him take a turn, this is also a good way to see if he WANTS to talk to you.
3. Do you have a reason to talk to him?
Not really? Ya come up with something better than that.

Now if you are in a group and alwas jumping in the middle of the circles, fallowing the guy around, talking to him even if you're half way across the room, tring to keep a text convo going when he is right next to you, ANYTHING where you force him to focous on you. He will start avoding you.

Part 2. Excluding Yourself/ Self Pitty

Okay I see this WAY to much. If you're having a bad day I understand... But it isn't going to get any better if you sulk in the corner when there are other people around. Ultimitly you just want someone to come over and see if you're okay. You want everyone to look at you and talk about you. You want them to wonder if you're ok. Not Okay. If you're having a bad day you should have a good friend that you can talk to, talk it through with them and then move on and interact with the people around you.
Also, guys really hate it when you say life is horible and this and this and this is bad and that no one understands. Seriously? Is you're life so much worse tha everyone elses? If all you do is complain the guys will start thinking that you are constantly PMSing. MAJOR TURN OFF. lol

So ladies I said this before, but really what everything boiles down to is confidance. Be yourself. Not over the top. Not all emo. The guys will see you much better if you don't do things that make them mad and drive them crazy. Just don't creat drama.

What Guys Hate! ( 1. Being what you're not 1&2)

2009-07-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

Okay! Here it goes! I have been talking to some of my close guy friends and getting the top five things that drives them crazy! I got some really good answers, actually enough ideas to do 12 blogs! lol but I think I'll tie some together so I don't have to do that much. :) so here it goes!

Ladies this is what the guys said!

"Self counsous around others"
"Being a ditz"
"Pretending to be what their not for a guy"
"Acting like their 10"
"If you got it flaunt it, if you don't got it don't flaunt it"
"Don't put on every kind of make up you own, we don't like it"

So if this is what the guys said, and we all know we do one or more of these things all the time... What do we do about it?

PART 1~ Pretending to be what your not for a guy

We all do this every day. Some of us wake up and put on the mask for that day, every day may be different. Put on make-up to cover up the real you. Now I'm not saying make up is bad or you can't be in a different mood everyday, heck I love make-up and never live the same day twice. But when we walk out the door and go to school, the movies, the mall, park, or just hanging out around the guys, we change. Some times we pretend to be a ditz, or wine like we're 10, or always follow a guy around and talk to him non-stop... even when there is really nothing to say. Sometimes we stand back and watch the other girls (the "pros") take over, running to the bathroom every 5 min to see how our hair looks or to put on more lip gloss. Every one of these things the guys complain about all the time! Mostly the guys want to know YOU. Girls always say to me "he doesn't care" or "he won't ask about me". NO DUH! If they think you're putting on a show or just doing things to get them to like you they don't want to spend the time trying to figure out what part of you they see is really YOU! So here's what we do. Learn who you are. Yes I know, believe me I know, this can be hard. I doubt we will ever know fully, but once we figure at least a piece of this out life will be so much easier in every way. When you wake up tomorrow think to your self, Who do I want to be today? not, Who am I seeing today? or What would Bob think of this shirt? figure out who YOU are, even if just for the day, and stick to that. This gives the guys so much less guessing and so much more of getting to know the REAL and AMAZING person YOU are. Yes, they might actually try if they don't have to go through 500 layers just to see a glimpse of you. ;)

PART 2~ If you got it flaunt it, if you don't, don't.

A friend once told me that it made him mad when girls tried to dress to impress. "If we ask you out don't go find the shortest skirt you can and lowest cut shirt you have. Don't put on every kind of make-up you own. If we like you don't try to cover you up." Who would have thunk it right?! Seriously girls we are all made in every color, shape, and size. So figure out what you are and try to dress to that. My friend Ashley can't wear as low cut shirts as I can because of how she is built but I can't wear the heals and short skirts she can. We are both beautiful, but different. This goes for all parts of how we look. With hair, make-up, clothes, shoes. Don't try to be the models on TV because you never will be satisfide with yourself if you do. Let me let you in on a little secret... the guys really don't think most of those girls are hot, they say they are all skin and bones and weird clothes. WOW! I know right!? So I don't know how I am good at this resurch but could never resurch for debate... but I found some stuff that might help us all out :)

Dress for Your Body Type

How to put on the Right Mak-up

Right Hair for the Right Face

Depressed

2007-11-13T20:11:00.000-08:00

Everything is so dark,
So hopeless.
A cloud over head.
Every time the sun starts to shine,
The clouds close up and it pours.

Swimming in jello.
Not dead,
Not alive.

Tears come way to much,
Curled in a fetal position.
Trembling with fear,
Trying to sleep it away.
Moving like a snail,
No energy.

Rocks in the throat,
Forcing another breath.
Slowly fading like the sun,
Disappearing like sugar in water.

Black is good,
Black is safe.
Crying tears of blood,
Head spinning.

Bed is the best place,
No need to pretend.
Quick sand pulling,
Starting to drown.
Crying for help,

NOTHING.

What do I look like?

2007-08-26T11:26:00.000-07:00

Melissa and me with our cookies!

" Do you want a soda?"

"No thanks prom is saturday and I have to fit in my dress!"

"Ummm ok...."

Ok so this is what it is with most of my friends, Some of them are like that when there is something big comming up. Some are just like that all the time. And I just don't get it! Ok so ya I don't gain weight and I eat a tone, but that's because I work out atleast 2 hours a day (gymnastics). When I think about it being fit isn't just about how I look, it's more about taking care of my body. If every one just added a little exsersize in their day, 1 they would loose weight and 2 they would have more energy and be a lot happyer. I know this because my mom just started exsersizeing and she is much nicer.... lol ;)

And starving yourself a week before prom will do you no good. This is a picture of my best friend and me the day of prom. We had a sleepover the night before and did manicures, fachiels, and masages, (golly I can't spell!) AND we also ate a wole pizza, a whole thing of frosting, and a thing of like 84 cookies, and had hot cocoa! little to say it was sooo mcuh fun!!!! wile everyone else is starving and only eating veggies for a week we had as much junk food as we could because we take care of our selves all the time. That was one of the best memories I will ever have with Meilssa. She has graduated now and that was the best way to spend her seinor prom!

Here is a REALLY easy way to get back in shape if you don't do any sports or anything.

1) Try doing something active for atleast 30 min a day. Walking with a friend is a great start!

2) Eat a fruit and a veggie every day.

3) limment your slef to one sugar thing a day..... I have a major peoblome with this, but did you know that most people are addicted to sugar? I know I am!!! and it's hard but after a wile you won't even want to eat it anymore! it's really cool :)

4) KEEP POSITIVE! you can do anything you put your mind to!

5) Pray- God can help with anything!

So ya this was a reallly weird post but I think it's really important to take care of your self, and if you start when your young then it will be easer when your older and you will most likely live longer to!

Looking Glass

2007-10-11T20:30:00.000-07:00

When I look in the mirror all I want to see,

Is nothing but plain old me.

When I raise my eyes I see a stranger,

My hear beats fast as if there were danger.

Should I pull from my eyes the hair?

My hands shake, do I dare?

Who’s eyes are those?

Almost as strange as those toes.

I’m buried deep inside,

Almost as if I died.

What would it take to make me alive?

In the cool deep water I could dive.

To wash away all the fake,

And raise the social stake.

What if they don’t like who I am?

And block me out just like a dam.

I don’t know if I could bear,

Then I think, why do I even care?

No one tells the waves what to do in the sea,

So why should they tell me?

I will step into my own,

Even if I do it alone.

Seth

2007-11-03T20:46:00.000-07:00

Hey,
Seth got hurt at a hockey tournament and now he is at the hospital so if you guys could all pray.
It's only his knee but it could be really a long time getting better... so ya that's bout all I know :) It could be just lots of ice and propping it up...... either way it's not fun!
lol thanks!

:*)

I CUT MY HAIR!!

2007-12-04T16:53:00.000-08:00

JUST 4 U MISS MAGGIE!! ;) lol
see no color!! but I'm thinking I'll do purple like jen's next.. like soon? lol love ya!

OK I CUT MY HAIR!! like 6" off it!!! lol so the first pic I really like but if you look close at the 2nd pic at he back ground it's just realllly cool!! lol so ya! tell me what ya'll think!
xoxo

Understanding

2007-12-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

~Understanding~

I don’t understand,

Why duct tape fixes everything,

Why chicken soup always makes you feel better.

Why chocolate makes you fat.

Most of all I don’t understand,

Why people can’t forgive.

Grudges are held,

Hate is heated,

Light goes to black,

Friends to enemies,

Instruments fade away and voices get louder.

What I understand the most is,

When we forgive,

Grudges are let go,

Hate cools,

Sun comes back,

Enemies become friends,

What I hear is music to my ears.

PROM FULLNESS (from my mom's blog cuz I'm lazy like that!)

2008-05-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

Those gorgeous kiddos are my oldest children, all dressed up for Seth's first prom. In so many ways it was a milestone for them and I'm enjoying the memories:

Seth's willingness to wear a suit--it was the first time since he was about four that he didn't whine about tucking in his shirt. He and I picked the suit out, and he paid for most of it himself. He also escorted a young woman to prom and insisted on paying for everything, though they were going as friends, not as a "date." Seth stepped out of his shyness and determined to show the girl a good time, even though it meant doing things he thought he didn't like--like dancing. I was proud of his determination to put her needs before his comfort zone and the selfless way he spent his own money on her tickets, corsage, and pictures, though it meant giving up several weeks pay. I also loved the way his character, wisdom, and self-confidence showed. He knew a lot of guys would rent tuxes, but told me that he thought it was silly to spend that much on something he'd only wear once. He chose instead to invest in his future by buying a nice suit that he could wear again. He found a beautiful, name-brand suit at a wonderful price and picked a red tie to match the girl's dress. His logic and frugality reminded me of his dad, and I was proud of him.

Sarah's delight in the whole thing--it was the first time she had an escort to the prom who wasn't related to her. (Her sweet daddy took her the first year.) Her escort was a true gentleman. Though they had chosen to go to the prom as friends, he wouldn't hear of going dutch and instead generously bought Sarah's prom ticket and a beautiful corsage, as well as paying for their transportation in a chartered vehicle. It was Sarah's first taste of this world, and the young man did it up right, making her feel like a princess. She proudly wore the dress she and her dad picked out at a fund raiser for the Children's Hospital. People from all over the metro area donated prom dresses--over 2,000 of them--and sold them to high schoolers for prom. I had planned to take Sarah to shop, but was sick that day. It turned out to be a special time for Sarah and her dad, and both of them came home glowing. Sarah found a beautiful dress at a more than reasonable price and had the satisfaction of putting her money toward a worthy cause.

The joy of feeling good about the event--the prom was sponsored by our homeschool group, well supervised, and beautifully presented. The kids ate a top-notch catered meal, white tablecloths not withheld, enjoyed a night of dancing (under the careful eyes of parents who insisted upon proper space between partners during slow dances), and then had fun and games at an after prom party. A friend and I talked about how this event differed from the proms of our public high school days, when many of the teens spent their prom nights chasing after less wholesome activities. I felt intense gratitude to the umbrella school and the parent volunteers who did what they could to offer my children such a delightful experience, and to give me peace of mind. I didn't worry about them a single minute, just watched them shine and beamed along with them.

"Dreams"

2008-03-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

My live was confusing,

You were there.

You told me what to do,

Showed me that you care.

My life felt complete,

You lifted my weight.

The twinkle in your eye made me giggle,

I soared like a kite.

Through the day and late into the night,

We would laugh and talk.

Telling anything and everything,

Hoping we wouldn’t get caught.

With every hug and every chat,

What I did was not smart.

Whether either of us knew it or not,

I gave you my heart.

I closed my eyes,

I didn’t want to see.

There were others,

Not just me.

You laughed and flirted,

Played a game.

Any time I had your attention,

I did the same.

I had to open my eyes,

HE wasn’t there.

It was just you and me,

To you, to HIM, and to me it wasn’t fare.

I can smile,

Every time I dream.

But it’s just that,

A DREAM.

Jennie & Ashley

2008-05-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

This picture has to be like 2-3 years old or something!
This is Jennie. I have known her for like 13 years... She is graduating this year... she is my big sister... She is my role model... She is beautiful inside out... I love her to death!!!

When I was little people used to think that Jennie and I were sisters.... we loved fooling people and laughing about it... but we are both crapy lairs because we would burst out laughing. We were both short and believe it or not I was WAY shorter than she was till I was about 14. Our hair was the same color...that no one else had! we called it Harvest... lol and at one point it matched the gold lettering on the Bible. Our hair changed colors at the same times through out the years.... till a couple years ago when we both decided to dye our hair random colors at random times!
I used to spend days at their house with sleepover and birthday parties... it was a happy place for me! We were in a dance class together and because my parents were working some I would go to their house either the night before or the morning of our dance recitles. We would do school all day sitting at their kitchen table and drinking hot chocolate :) Then we would have mac and cheese (the box stuff!!) and watch I love Lucy.

There are tones of memories that I could go on on on on and on about but to sum it up this year Jen and I (because of our mothers) neither ones had a second hour class at school, so we went and got some starbucks when ever we got the chance.... We got much closer... Jen is just one of those people that you can open up to. She doesn't just focus on her problems she asks for help and someone to listen then turns around and asks you how you are. Do you have any idea how rare that is in my life! lol After about the second time talking over coffee we both felt like God was saying that we needed to keep each other accountable. Now we both have one more person that truly understands. Jennie is one of the smartest 18 year old girls I know! She loves God with all her heart and it shines from the inside.

This year... June 7, 2008 is going to be a really hard day for me. I'm turning 17 that day.... that's good cuz then I can drive whoever I want! lol But it is really hard because some of my best friends are going to be graduating that day. There are 2 people that I'm having a really hard time letting go of, Jennie and Ashley. Weather or not we have talked over the years we have always been "best friends". They are both almost two years older than I am so I have looked up to them and followed what they did. Although, once they got into high school it was harder... I wasn't ready to grow up that fast. Then guys came into the picture and we just weren't as close. But through all that time we could always go to each other and get a hug during a bad day. We knew we would always be there for each other even if we didn't really hang out or talk for weeks at a time. This past year some of the drama at school cooled down and we became better friends again as well as "leaders of the school" as Miss Maggie would put it. :o)

....Now I hate the phone and talking on it.. idk why... but I have spent some time talking to both of them when we were going through hard times. Yes hours on the phone.... or even just a text checking up on each other. weather or not they know, I could not have made it out of my depression last year with out their help. I'm about ready to cry just thinking about my last year with out them. But I know that if I'm about ready to die they will only be a phone call or a 10 min drive away... even if they are going to go get brilliant at collage with out me. They will always be there and I love them forever.

When I was little I used to ask God to give me a sister... and now that I'm older I know that 1. I would like shoot another girl in the house.... and 2. I already had them. Ash and Jen. They have been the best older sisters anyone could ask for and God knew just what he was doing when he gave me those sisters. So today about 2 weeks before graduation I just wanted to put down some of the cool things... and just share my relationship with them... so if you are a compleetly blind stupid person that can't see... or just don't know them, you can get a glimpse of what amazing women these are.

This is Ashley. Us being stupid at prom this year dancing (not for the last time) to our "love song".
I have known her for about 13 years. She is graduating this year. She is my special red head. She is my encourager. She is my sister.

Wow Ashley dear. Yes my little red head. This year Ash did a speech on red heads, it was very smart and did well in competition. The last point in her speech was about the stario types we place on red heads. At one point she says that her friends used to tease her and just wait to see how mad she would get..... Man was this true!!!!!
When I was little every time Ash came over I would ask if I could braid her hair and we could watch Anne of Green Gables.... The classic red head story... She would get so mad at me and I would laugh.... Though looking back... I WAS A BRAT! But she learned to love her hair as much as the rest of us. Part of that I think is that when we would go every Friday for swim lessons we would play mermaids... guess who always got to be Ariel... Ashie Pooh (yes I'm like the only person that can call her that ;D )

We would stay up for hours playing the game MASH-O to see who we would marry. Ashley however was the most sinceable of us all saying that we were too young and needed to live life before we got married.... she said this at the age of 8. lol She was always the tom-boy right along side of me, always willing to play in the mud or water when other girls would sit back and not get their pink flower skirts dirty. I could go on and on about when we were young.... but that's not what you need to know about her.

Though we didn't really know how to relate over the past few years we always were feeling the same things at the same time and yet would never talk about it. We were the tough girls in bible study, the ones who never cried, who never broke down with deep dark secrets. But this past year the understanding of each other finally made us both feel safe to share emotion with the other everything from school to parents to clothes to friends to boys.... yes the anti MASH girl has found her spot for guys! Together we have discovered that it's kinda nice to let the guys lift stuff, open doors, and just be there to protect... even though when the guys aren't around (or if they are just being lazy... ;P) we are still the ones to pick up the slack and do it our selves. This is a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a friend to hug. At the last dance we went to they played the seniors song for graduation.... after Ash and I danced to it we just hugged.... like I was about ready to cry!
One last story... She and I went to the mall to get a birthday present for some one and we went there and got what we wanted.... then we were done.... nothing to do... and it had been about ten min. Ashley dear and I don't do shopping to well.... Just not one of those things... but neither of us wanted to go home.... we thought we would walk around for a few min... next thing we knew we had been there for four hours! Trying on stupid clothes and talking about boys! amazing I know!
She is my sister and my support system. I love her!

Dec. 10, 2007 (Church Shootings)

2008-06-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

December 10, 2007
There was a set of shootings that happened in churches in the US. It was a terrible event for everyone that heard about it and for those who were there it changed their lives... some even lost it. There is one thing that hit me the hardest, the parents of one of the teens that was shot and died came forward on national TV and said to the parents of the kid that had killed their child, We forgive him and hold nothing against you. The two sets of parents even morned their children together.

We look at this beautiful, amazing scene and it makes me think... Where was that love and forgiveness when this young man was hurting badly enough to want to kill Christians?

This is a quote I wrote down from a blog of the shooter I think the morning of the shootings.
" I'm gona teach you all a lesson, us outcasts have to take a stand."

There are many things that could have been happening in his life... I didn't know this young man, his family, friends, or church group, but it made me wonder that day as I watched the news, what would happen if we took a second and tried to see past the person and look at all the anger and hurt that is built up in the people around us.... What might God use us for if we are willing to do that?
So I wrote this poem...

I don't understand!
Why do we push them away?
Just because they are different.
They are people too.

All we need is understanding and love.
Why is that so hard?
We could save many lives,
Maybe even our own.

My heard breaks to think,
What pain would drive some one to destroy.
Could lives be saved by a simple hug?
What could we do by stepping up?

Show us how to LOVE.
Teach us how to FORGIVE.
Poor out your HOPE.
Help us extend the hand of GRACE.

What can you do through us Lord?
My tears are nothing to theirs.
My love is nothing to yours.
Show us the balance.

SHOW US HOW TO LOVE.

Prince Caspian

2008-06-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

My mom has been reading Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis (amazing books!) to my little brothers... yes anytime I hear her reading I go curle up (with my phone for texting of course;D ) and listen. Now I know the Narnia stories in side and out..... but I haven't had time recently to read them again.

So since I'm a good bit older than I was last time I'm starting to catch some of the spiritual metaphors that I wasn't seeing when I was younger.

One of the things I finally understood that always confused me before was when Lucy finally saw Aslan the lion again she comments that he has grown. Now this didn't make since to me.... When we grow things tend to look smaller.... But Aslan said to her, "Every year you get older I get bigger". Now think about this.... Every year older we get the more we need God to be bigger.... and he is. As our problems grow so does our understanding of him.

I know that often I look at my problems and say it's to big for God to handle and there is no way I can fix it.... thus leaving me completely hopeless. But when I heard that I thought back over the past few years.... heck the past few weeks. When I have felt that I couldn't do anything about stuff.... and I see that God has showed me more and more of his power. When we grow so does God..... well he doesn't really grow but we see more of him.

I just thought that was really cool :)

Numb

2008-07-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by color,
Blind.
Vibranceness overwhelming,
Blind.

Music floating through life,
Deaf.
Tapping, whistling, strumming,
Deaf.

Soft velvet to the finger tips,
Nothing.
Puppy slobber on the face,
Nothing.

Fresh apple pie and rain,
Scentless.
Sweet roses and sexy cologne,
Scentless.

Mac and cheese,
Tasteless.
Mint chocolate chip ice cream,
Tasteless.

Laughter and smiles,
Numb.
Hugs and tears,
Numb.

DOGS!

2008-08-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

So around this time last year I posted that my life flashed before my eyes.... and guess what it happened again!

I was going to chemistry (and I'm allllll done now! yay! ) and as i pulled up these three dogs were around my car like wating for me to get out...

now first I have always had nightmares about dogs chasing me... part of the reason I'm up this late...I don't want to sleep. lol

so I'm sitting there thinking maybe I shouldn't get out of the car... but then I'm like "your so being stupid sarah!" so I got out of the car and got my books and everything then started to SLOWLY walk across the street to my teachers house... and they kinda start barking and growling a little... so I kinda started to talk nicely to them (like that would help) and kept walking slowly... then one of them took a step twards me and so I started to back up... then they charged me! so I throw my books at the one nearest me ( I think he was like the leader or something) and hit him in the face and ran behind my car but I had already locked it! so I kept running (and screeming... that was kinda funny) twards the house.... and these dogs were like right on my heals... like biting my pants... they didn't get me though... so I'm running like a crazy woman and my teacher comes out... like 6 months pregnet and starts like charging them with a bat...and I run inside. lol so I'm alive! and the animal control people came I'm pretty sure cuz the neighber (who saw) and my teacher had called them.

So ya I was thinking two things.... 1. here goes my senior gymnastics season... I can't tumble without a calf mucle! and 2. I can't work if I can't walk!
so ya... if you look I think you can relate my teacher to God... and me to... well me... honestly God might just have told me that he is fighting for me because I'm done... even though I can't feel or see him... he is fighting for ME. wow.

So I was reading back on my other blog and that last poem I posted (smile) this was a coment that was left by one of my bestest friends Jen,,,, I think it fits here too...

I wish I could understand your pain better... I wish I could tell you what God's up to with your life... I wish that I could take away the ache in your heart...

You've gotta be tired - you're a warrior of the heavens. The battle's been raging, the scars adding up. I know the sword feels heavy, but God WILL help you lift it once more. Keep on fighting, warrior princess. Keep on fighting - don't let this overcome you. He will give you rest... He will reveal His plan, and it will all make sense... but He works in ways we don't understand - His ways are not our ways.

It IS okay to be angry with God. He wants your honesty. It's okay to tell Him it's about ****** time to show up. Really, it is... if that's what you're feeling. If you start telling Him, He can start working with you.

I don't know if any of this helps... I don't know if anything will right now... keep your head up, Lizzy... you don't have to be strong... HE IS! Rest in the arms of your Abba Father.

I love you.

Trapped

2008-07-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

Swrelling around in my head.
needles poking, nails driving.
Knife of sorrow to the heart.

Confusion billowing.
searching for truth.
Begging for joy.

Lost in the cloud.
Drowning in uncertainties.
Sinking to hopelessness.

Fighting against nourishment.
Wishing for the ideal.
Always wanting... never satisfied.

Love here, gone, then back again.
Soft surrounding security.
Two languages to speak.

Iron wall like a damn.
Punching, yet not a dent.
Trapped by the one with the key.

Emptiness is all that's felt.
Loud silence is all that's heard.
Darkness is all that's seen.

Annoying buzz.
Chilling breeze.
Space is the only thing near.

Beams of joyful hope.
A day, a night, a moment.
Covered by storm clouds.

No way to let go.
No way to move on.
No way to get out.

Stuck.
Unmoving.
Trapped.