Broken Love

I Found My Voice (personal essay)

2012-02-08T21:30:00.000-08:00

For my tenth birthday my aunt and uncle gave me a short children's book called, You Are Special. The book is set in a village made up of little wooden puppets called, Wemicks. The puppets run around all day trying to impress each other with how talented, beautiful, or smart they are. Each one has a box of star stickers to stick on other Wemicks when what they see pleases them, and a box of dot stickers to give to others when they fail. How many stars or dots a puppet has determine how popular they are.
In the story we first meet a small, not-so-handsome, clumsy, tongue tied, puppet named, Punchinello. He has been given many dots by the puppets around him. Eventually he meets the woodcarver. My favorite part of the book is when the woodcarver puts his hands on Punchinello's shoulders and says, "You are special because I made you, and I don't make mistakes."
Looking back over my life these words had an amazing impact. When my aunt and uncle gave me this book for my tenth birthday, they read it to me and told me, “You are special.” The book was put on my shelf and forgotten, but those three words stuck with me. Years later I was talking with some of my Mom's friends when something one of the ladies said reminded me of the book. Suddenly I had an idea. It was to take the You Are Special book and two teen novels and put them together as an interpretive speech. In an interpretive speech you use literature to tell a story and make a point.
I was a junior at the time and homeschooled. Contrary to popular belief, homeschooling did not protect me from all of the scary things in high school. In my junior year there were a couple of epidemics spreading though our homeschool group. I use the word epidemic because it's the only word that brings to mind all the emotions and thoughts felt not only by those struggling, but by anyone watching the situation unfold. Heart Breaking. Delusional. Horrible. Pain. Loss. Void. Confusion. Panic. Disorder. Dead. Just like an epidemic, it spread like wild fire.
By the time I was a senior, I had twenty-three friends in my circle who were dealing with some form of self harm, and eighteen friends who had a form of eating disorders. Given the unique education circumstances we were in, we all grew up to be very close, more like family than friends. I remember nights when I was up at all hours, instant messaging three or four people and texting another few, trying to help process their troubling emotions. They all had different reasons for harming and depriving themselves. Some did it because of family issues, some because of relationships, some from stress of school or jobs, some for attention, and some merely because everyone else was doing it. Yet, ALL suffered from the lack of feeling special or valued by those around them. I had to show them the truth, and I prayed my speech would open their eyes.
I remember one of the first times I gave my speech in competition. It was through the NCFCA, a national league where homeschoolers competed in forensics. It wasn't only an opportunity to grow our communication skills, but to hang out with friends and travel. I stood looking at my judges and a room full of my friends. I knew this would hit home with nearly all of them. I took a deep breath.
“God, for your glory. Please give me your strength and open their hearts.”
I looked up and began pouring all my emotions and prayers for understanding into the stories for the next ten minutes. As I finished, tears streaked the faces of not only one of my judges, but nearly everyone else in the room. My job was done. They had heard me.
After walking out of the room two of my best friends and my mom came and hugged me. There we stood in the middle of the hallway crying in a group hug. The girls had both struggled with cutting themselves, and my mom had been watching everything going on. The girls looked at me and simply said two words, “thank you.”
I continued to give my speech in many competitions and some community settings, each time feeling more and more sure that it was what God put me here to do. Even though many times I was shot down by judges, parents, and strangers, I knew I did what I had to do. Nearly every criticism came from a place of fear. They feared imperfection. They feared someone on the outside would see past the masks they put on to the broken pieces beneath. The most resistance I felt was from the parents of my friends dealing with the issues. Instead of figuring out how to help their kids, they thought it best to keep it hidden because of what people might think. The more resistance I felt, the more determined I became.
I qualified with my speech to the national NCFCA tournament in North Carolina at the end of my senior year. I spent almost all my graduation money to drive myself and mom out there for the week. Imagine how I felt when judges told me I was talking about issues that were “too personal,” and that I should "not bring God into such things.” When I read these comments on my ballots I wanted to scream to the world, “THIS IS WHERE GOD IS! HE IS WITH THE BROKEN. CAN'T YOU SEE? WE ARE ALL BROKEN AND WE ARE SPECIAL TO HIM!” However, I don't think the whole world would have heard me.
I spent the three-day drive home upset and feeling like a failure. I slept more than I drove (as my Mom often reminds me). I didn't understand how people could feel that way. My mom cheered me up as best as she could.One of the best memories I have is having wine coolers in the hotel hot tub one night and just letting it all go.
The next day the drive was finally over, and I was home. That's when it happened. Texts and Facebook messages came flooding in. People who needed help, friends of those hurting themselves, and even a few parents at a loss for what to do with their kids, contacted me after seeing my speech. I knew I wasn't a counselor, psychologist, or even an adult for that matter, but I was able to turn them to helpful resources and give encouragement. In every instance I reminded those writing that the most important thing for someone to hear is that they are special, not because of actions, accomplishments, or what anyone said about them, but because God made them, and He doesn't make mistakes. I told parents and friend to remind those hurting that they were loved no matter what. It's a wonder what those two thoughts can do for a person's self worth.
This experience shaped a very large part of the person I am today. I now know I can stand up and talk about tough issues that most people want to push under the rug and keep quiet. I know that each person is special, no matter what they wear, believe, say, or do. I know I am created by God, and he loves me not for all the things I do or don't do, but because He made me, and he knows my heart. I know that I want to help and encourage people. In whatever I do, I want everyone around me to feel loved, accepted, and safe.
I may not have come away with a trophy or a title, but I walked away from high school knowing I made a difference. God used me, and I am special no matter what messes I get myself into. I learned that the dots and the stars from people don't matter and don't get to stick to me, because the only opinion at the end of the day that truly matters, is that of my Creator.
At the end of You Are Special, the not so popular puppet, Punchinello, has met the woodcarver and talked with him. He is walking out the door of the shop when the woodcarver calls to him.
"'You are special because I made you, And I don't make mistakes.'
Punchinello didn't stop, but in his heart he thought, I think he really means it.
And when he did, a dot fell to the ground."

Last Minute (God and Football)

2011-11-24T15:09:00.000-08:00

My life has been full of last minute miricals. My Mom has always said that God likes to wait till the last minute so that we know know know that it is Him.

I HATE THIS.

The same day that our house was going to be oxctioned away from us, our loan modification that we had been waiting on for a very long time finally came though.

My poor brother Stephen comes out of the shower in a towel one morning, still covered in bubbles a pertiulary large one right over his belly button. "Um, guys I think our water just got turned off." At first hearing this you could feel the mood of the room drop, then I started to laugh. We all just looked at Stephen and couldn't stop laughing. Poor a guy. Ha ha So headed to our lovely neighbor who laughed and told him to go get in her shower. By the time he got back one of my mom's friend showed up with just enough money for the water bill and a tank of gas for my car.

Seth is off in Utah and very broke hardly getting by financially, and his hocky stick breaks. These things are like $200.... But it just so happened that it was one the last day of his warenty.

Are you seeing a life pattern yet? I have a million more stories like this but stepping back, it's not that we don't have rough times, but that God always squeeks it out in the end...

Kinda like Tebow.

If you're the least bit a Bronco's fan you know that we have been down the last 5 games until the 4th. All the sudden Tebow gets on one knee and God some how squeaks it out in the end.

It makes me laugh thinking how many people would just give Tebow the credit if they just went out and won it from the get go. How many people do you think have even a little seed planted in them that there might be something more? Maybe something to this whole God thing when the guy stands there not sure how they managed it yet again. No other explanation except God. I know it sounds silly being this serious about football... But it's amazing when you think about it.

I just hope that one day I can hold on though all the bad enough that when I some how walk through the smoke triumphant, there will be no doubt in everyone's mind that it was God and not me. What a way to live.

Only Though Your Eyes

2011-11-16T22:02:00.000-08:00

I've stretched,
Strived,
Struggled,
To see each,
As you see.

To have kindness,
Compassion,
Forgiveness,
For anyone,
For anything.

To give support,
Strength,
Joy,
To anyone,
At anytime.

To see though,
Your loving eyes.
Each individual,
For everyone,
Except me.

Some how I don't believe,
Your love,
Your fogginess,
Your value,
Can reach me.

I've messed up,
I've hurt,
And been hurt.
I live in a world,
All my own.

I care for them,
For me.
Hoping just for a moment,
To be worthy,
To be valued.

So you see me?
Trying,
Drowning,
Pushing,
Crying?

I want value,
Only in you.
No earnings,
No games,
Just me.

Why can I see,
Them with your eyes?
Yet see in myself,
Only flaws?
Cheap.

An unpolished person,
Heart,
Waist,
Skin,
Mind.

Not yet worth value.

That can't be,
What you see!

If you see her,
As a flower.
See him,
As a rock.
What about me?

Define me,
As you see fit.
Not by my standards,
Unreachable.
Only though your eyes.

David.... Tehehe

2011-08-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

~Momford and Sons (After The Storm)

I love this song. It is word for word where I feel like I am in my life right now. I have had many fears, shed thousands of tears (yes I cry), more than one broken heart. Now I'm trying to climb the hills and mountains of fears and temptations that try to over shadow me. Grace for My Man, being hurt deeply doesn't make it easy to leave room for anything less than perfection and that is not fair. And.... Well I'm still a kid at heart and I love flowers in my hair... and he likes flowers in my hair too ;)

I figure if anyone reads this they deserve to know about this huge part of my life. :) I could go on and on about him and who he is... but seeing as this is my blog I think I shall be selfish and tell how he has affected me. Deal? Deal.

Well... I always said if a guy would keep up with my blog I would marry him. The first day David and I started talking he went on my blog and read the WHOLE thing! That's a lot of posts. lol And that night he was up all hours creating his own blog full of poetry that he had written so that I could see his growth and his heart and his story. He was more than I ever dreamed for.

When David and I were introduced by the amazing Kirsten, I was so so done with guys. I had played with to many hearts and had been hurt to deeply. I was finally completly trying to surrender to God and only God. Be safe in only His love. Relax in only His arms. Walk only in His plan. Only then is when God allowed me to find a man who let me feel peace about a relationship. I come to find out that David was in the exact same place. Funny how God works isn't it?

David and I are like cars... I think we both have a little Corvette (fun, fast,out there, crazy) and a little Camery (relyable, smart, thoughtful, smooth) in us. We balance quite well, I'm more of a Corvette and he's more of a Camery. I can drag him out and he can calm me down. I need a guy that can do that, bring me down to earth and remind me to relax and breath without controlling me and keeping me from my friends and life. He does this quite well :)

David respects me. Me as a person. Me as my own unique person. Me as a woman. Me as a christian. Me as Me. I couldn't ask for anyone better. To see my heart... and respect it, even love it :) I truly do see the heart if God in him.

Well I'm getting sleepy and enjoying a nice night with family and friends watching Swamp People... It's pretty amazing show, seriously check it out on netflix (except maybe Ash and Linds... lots of blood :P)

Please keep David and I in your prayers as we try to keep a God centered relationship. :)

Thank you God for my Man!

Life?

2011-07-10T12:44:00.000-07:00

Well I'm not sure if anyone besides my parents read this any more, but I figured it does no harm to keep saying what's on my mind :)

This week has been CRAZY... and not so much in a good way either.

If you're in Colorado you know that we have been getting random spurts of RAIN every day. I say RAIN because it's not been the "dancing in the rain romantic" rain. It's been the pulling down branches, soaked to the bone walking to the car, almost killing my poor baby apple tree kind of RAIN. Though not going to lie I did run with my family in the rain, saved that poor apple tree, and kissed my man out in the pouring rain. So there were some smiles in the storm.

Just like the rain, the bad news has been flooding in around me.

Tuesday- My first day back to work after the time off to go get David from Cali. I walk in and my Boss pulls me into her office. One of our most loved managers was in an almost fatal tubing accident over the weekend. She broke her face, jaw, has bleeding in her brain, and has been in stage 3 coma since then. There may be other things wrong but we haven't been aloud much info. Yesterday I was told that she is doing well and they're fixing her up as best they can while she's out and she is fighting hard so things are looking good.
This woman is the life of the store/salon. She will always keep anyone laughing no matter how bad our day was. She was the encouragement I needed though some hard times. I feel peace that she will come out of this, but it doesn't make it easy. Thanks to Alison we have bright flowers to put in our hair while she's not with us.

Wednesday- My family signed some scary important papers. In the long run it will help us a lot but it's been very hard process.

Thursday- My best friend Jennie had a heart breaking loss. Her 26 year old cousin Jeanen was 8 months pregnant with a mirical baby. The baby died. She went into sergry to take him out. It was scary. Everyone knew it was a risk. But she didn't make it. She and her baby are in heaven now. Her family is having a hard time with the loss of not one but two loved ones. I've done all I know to do to help but I know that only God and time will heal this.

Friday- A good friend texed me saying that their grandpa only had months to live.

This Tuesday- One of my clients had just gone to the funeral for the dad and daughter that got blown off the mountain while hiking.

The rest of the week was full of getting David settled, a family of 4 (our cousins) staying with us for the week, work being crazy, and God working though some hard things in some close friends. These are all good. But they all took lots of emotions and energy.

Comming home from work today I was listening to Klove and a lady called in with a prayer request. A family of 7 from their church had just died in a plane crash.

REALLY GOD?!!?!? CAN ANYONE ELSE DIE AROUND ME!? Life is so so special. I don't know how to handle all the pain around me. I just need to have a good cry. But being Sarah I don't know how to when everything is falling apart.

I am holding on to the promise of the RAINBOW after the rain. I know God has a plan for each person that was affected by each of these stories. Including me. I will praise him for that!

I am His

2011-07-02T16:17:00.000-07:00

Are you...
An outcast?
Ostrisized?
Laughed at?

Do you...
Have a story,
No one could,
Possibly understand?

ARe you...
Scarred by religion?
Rejected by friends?
Judged?

Do you...
Walk alone,
Wishing someone,
Would just hold your hand?

Yes?

Me Too.

I walk in a world,
Not aloud to show my colors,
Crushed by those around me.

My heart burns,
To have you see,
The truth I have found.

But the fire,
Is covered,
Contained at every turn.

Everyone aloud to speak,
Everyone, Anyone,
Except me.

One word,
And I am judged,
Rejected.

My heart full of Love,
Love that is strong,
Even when I'm not.

My fire burns with grace,
Acceptance of all,
Forgiveness surrounding.

Love and Grace.
Grace contagious,
Love healing.

Yet at every turn,
My heart hidden,
My fire qwinched.

Just like you,
I am rejeceted,
Made a joke of.

Who can understand?
Love in the raw,
Grace all incompacing.

To have something,
Something to hold on to,
Besides pride and hate.

I am hidden in the shadows,
Strong and silent,
Silent...

Silent no more!
Time to create,
My own unique shadow.

Relif and Joy,
My heart is coming out,
Not my story but His.

He shows me I am special,
I matter to Him,
I am Loved.

Who am I?

Judge as you will.

I am a child of Love.

19

2011-06-06T22:18:00.000-07:00

In 39 min I will not be a teenager any longer.

I will be 20.

I know it's not old. But I keep thinking how old I feel. The presure to be a mature adult.

But I think I'm figuring out that I'm having a hard time because I've been THAT already. I haven't been a teenager.

My age is catching up to me. I've always tried to be one step aheead. And I have done so well. But now I'm not sure where to go next. I don't do well standing still.

Well here I am. Old. Mature. Adult. In age as with everything else. I'm no longer a child.

May I aways be a child at heart.

Goodbye my teenage years!

City Lights

2011-05-10T22:37:00.000-07:00

Twinkling,
Sparkling,
Shining.
City lights from the sky.

Swerling,
Dancing,
Winking.
City lights from the sky.

Covering the earth,
Bright and welcoming,
Scarsly a dark place.
City lights from the sky.

Hope in my dispare,
Joy in my sadness,
Smiles in my tears.
City lights from the sky.

Stars on earth,
Individual snap shots,
Big picture.
City lights from the sky.

Open arms,
Wispers of missing me,
Sparkling applaulse.
City lights in the sky.

Life.
Energy.
Love.
City lights from the sky.

Welcome me home.

A Princess

2011-03-19T23:40:00.000-07:00

Here she lays,
All alone.
Beautiful even in dispare,
A Princess.

Worn from battle,
Slowing breaths.
Blood, sweat, and tears,
Blood she wishes was hers.

Bow without arrows,
Sward dull.
No reason to move,
Nothing left to give.

Fought with her all,
To protect.
Those she loves,
Now safe.

Where are they now?
By her side?
Turning to save her?
Where are they now?

Here she lays,
All alone.
Beautiful even in death,
A Princess.

I AM SMART!!!

2011-01-26T21:42:00.001-08:00

I'm done!!!! I'm so so freakn done! I'm done feeling like less. I'm done feeling stupid. I'm done falling for the lie that I'm not as good as the next Joe or Sally because I don't fit in the "right" box.

I am freaking brilliant! If you can't see that... well your loss! Unlike many, I don't need someone else to tell me what to think, to tell me right from wrong, to show me what to do with my life.

I am smart! I'm the person that people come to every day when they need help. I'm the person that will be straight with some one when others say what they want to hear. I make people feel beautiful. People stop and look at me and say "wow I've never told anyone that before". I give anyone who asks a safe enviorment to be who they really are, whoever that may be... So at the end of the day forgive me if I can't keep up with your mind twisting debates.... I'm sleepy from dealing with the heart of the people around me.

From this day on I will not compare myself to the fallowing BRILLIANT (I mean that sincerely) people in my life...
David
Ashley
Jennie
Lindsey
Amber
Zack
Jeff
Josiah
Esther
Seth
Hannah

I love you all... with all my heart but I'm done feeling like I'm not as smart for who God created me to be and for the life choices that I have made to support that person. I am ME... None of you can say that.

I will go to school and collage when I'm good and ready, whether that be tomorrow or never. I don't care. I know I'm smart. I don't need to prove anything. I'm just into the heart of people more than numbers and statistics. It's who I was made to be, I'm done trying to be someone else.

Lord,
Help me to be whoever YOU created me to be. Help that have nothing to do with the culture around me and their standards. I want to grow and be grown. I want to be known for YOU shining through me. Thank you for making me, ME. I wouldn't change a thing. :-)
Love you Lord!
Your Princess

Anita... A Smile

2011-01-18T16:03:00.000-08:00

Two worlds,
You and me.
Feet apart,
Yet the distance grows.

Old blankets,
Stale popcorn,
Bird friends,
Pen and paper.

New camera,
Fresh coffee,
Loving community,
Pen and paper.

A Smile.
The distance srinks.

Ciggarette in hand,
Torn scarff,
Worn shirt,
Watching the world.

Cell phone in hand,
Painted nails,
New jacket,
Watching the world.

A smile.
The distance shrinks.

What makes us so different?
Shoes on our feet?
Clothes on our back?
The place we sleep?

This isn't WHO we are,
Only what people SEE.

We all ezperiance life,
Good and bad.
Our own set of struggles,
One not making us better.

This is who we are.

Free spirits,
Surching for direction.
Hearts,
Longing for love.

A smile.
The distance shrinks.

Eyes surching,
For new adventure.
Body longging,
To be free.

Piggions eating popcorn,
Not caring who's side their on.
Yours or mine,
It's all the same.

Living life together.

When I went to see my man in Cali I was wandering around San Diago while David was at work. I came across Anita and sat down yards away form her and wrote this poem. I ended up going over and giving her the cookies that my mommy had saved for me :) We talked for about 2 hours! She has a story that most of us can't even dream up. But she also has a faith unlike most people :) If you could all pray for her bipoler husband that would be amazing :)

Next time you see someone that is in a different place in life than you... Remember they are a person and have a life, dreams, fears, and questions just like you :)

CHANGE.

2010-12-20T20:03:00.000-08:00

My lovely Jennie and I often talk about "changing the world" one day, we have thoughts and plans and dreams of making this world a better place. Showing God's love and making others smile and bring them colser to him.

But guess what? We've found out that we can't change the world! Darn.

I was frusterated with this fact the other day and talking to David abou it. After letting me ramble (like I often do), Then said this... "Sarah you can't change the "world", but each person lives in their own "world" and THAT world you can change."

Wow. So person by person we can try to change THEIR world and hopfully they will pass it on. Who know's one small act could ripple around the world... WE CAN CHANGE THE WORLD!

Even if it doesn't we've put a smile on someones face, warmed their heart, maybe even put a seed in their spirit :) Their world was changed.

Now, I'm going to tell you some stories. I'm not telling these to toot my own horn. I haven't told you all these cool stories yet because I don't want to brag, this is all God not me. So here I go.

1. This is where it all sarted. My Lovely Jennie and I were at church one night and they talked about donating money to our sister church in a forgin country. Right before church was over she dissapeared. I knew she had went to get money. lol She also came back with 12 roses (yes this was what that poem was writtenn about). She gave them out to girls. You can't emagin their faces :) I was walking around seeing these flowers and thanking God for the heart that gave these girls flowers, only to find out it was my Jennie. I'd encourage you to read the poem I wrote about this. It's the best example of how a small act can change a world that I have.

2. I fallowed her example. My great friend Jessica was graduaging and I went to buy her our favorite flowers (guber daisies). As I was walking out of the store a lady with two little boys just said, "wow those are beautiful." I said "Yes mam they are" and walked on. I got it my car and God said, "go buy her flowers". I argued asking God if I was supposed to be broke for the sake of others.... DUH! I'd give everything if I can change someone's life. lol So I walked back in and got her flowers, walked around the store until I found her. I gave her two flowers and the recept so people didn't think she took them. lol
She asked me why and I just said that I felt like she needed flowers today. She got tears in her eyes and said, "Yes, yes I do. Thank you." We talked for a few min and she introduced me to her grandsons. We hugged and I said "God bless" and left.
God did somthing in her and in me that moment. :)

3. I had a few flowers from her boque left and so as I was driving I gave them to sevreal people I saw along the street that I felt like God was saying they needed one. One I rember that will always stick with me. I saw and elderly lady on the sidewalk carving something, a stick I think. So I stopped my car and gave her flowers. She spoke no english and I don't think she was all there meantally, but she looked at me saying something, the biggest smile on her face, and she kissed the flowers. Wow. :)

Guess what? God let me keep the last three flowers :) He loves me too!

Well those are just the first few, but this is long and I am sleepy! lol SO I'll give you more ideas later. Really, look what a few flowers did :) To God be the praise!

Snake!

2010-11-27T22:41:00.000-08:00

Every Sunday night after the collage group at church we head across the street to Wendy's for some snacks. These nights are good nights of "interesting" jokes, thoughtful questions, mostly just lots of laughs. But, a few weeks ago it was very different.

I went outside for a min to call my boyfriend (David... yes, he is incredible), When I came back in to one of my friend explaining cutting and the reasons and emotions behind it to others at the table... everyone was dumbfounded. We kept talking and each ended up talking about both past and present struggles we have had... Cutting, alcohol, porn, depression, hate, eating disorders, and other things. For some it wasn't the first time for us to share in a trusting group of friends... for others they had never experianced the non-judgemental, trust, honesty, and love that was there that night. It was very amazing to see hearts open up that had been sealed for so long :) Amazing how God works.

As we were sitting there one of the guys spaced out for a good long while. He does this sometimes.... But when it came time for us to ask him if he had anything to add he had no idea what we were talking about. We filled him in quickly and he sat quiet for a min then steped outside with one of the other guys. The guy he was with came inside asking us if we would pray for our friend.

He was outside experiancing each of our struggles... the desire to cut, feeling of depression, stomic aches, ect. Some people are very sinsitive to the emotions around them and tend to take on the emotions as their own. I've experianced this sevrel times, it's something you have to be able to give to God and pray and let go... not easy. lol

We sat down right there in Wendy's held hands and prayed... We prayed hard. We prayed against the emotions he was taking on, we prayed for protection, we prayed for eachother and strenth for all of us. I would love to know what the people in Wendy's were thinking. lol We prayed for a good 30 min at least.

Once we were done I went out to check on the guy... He was doing better, not amazing but better. I sat talking to him for a few min when our other friend came out. As we were talking I was distracted by something about 5 feet away from where my friend had been sitting for the past 30 min while we prayed for him inside.

I intrupted my friend mid sitance with "Is that a snake?! Can you check? I don't want to."

Sure enough it was a snake (A small black one, gardener probably). We through a rock at it and it was frozen...

This snake was dead, frozen, in the striking position, yes with it's head off the ground and body coiled, about five feet away aimed right at my friend. Wow.

A snake? In the middle of November? In Boulder? In a Wendy's parking lot? Dead with it's head held off the ground? WHAT?

God decided to give a visual for what prayer can do.

It can freeze the enemy.

It can stop him.

It can protect.

Pretty amazing to think about :)

This was totally a God thing!

Change

2010-10-13T11:28:00.000-07:00

First off... I passed both the piratical and the written for my cosmetology license! Praise the LORD! Just had to say that :)

So the past few weeks a lot has changed...

1. My ex started dating someone else... LONG story and it's been like 6 months but it hasn't been easy. But it's what I needed to move on. I had moved on in many many ways but there was still this string. It's finally cut. I wish them the best.
Through that God has really been working on my heart. I always thought I was a very forgiving person... I still think I am... But not as much as I thought I was. I'm learning what it's like to forgive through the pain and not hold on to the bitterness... But it's been a very good and enlightening lesson :)

2.I don't know what you my dear readers believe about God giving spiritual gifts in today's world... But I believe whole heartedly that we shouldn't limit the amazing almighty God who are we as his creations to limit him to a time. It just doesn't make sense!
God and I have dived a deeper level the past 6 months. I have given him myself completely. Now he is starting to show me things about myself that I couldn't see before.
I've always been the person that people can feel like they can talk to. I know the deep places in people hidden to the rest of the world. I don't know why but people trust me. Even random people I don't know. lol I have found that I really really understand when people are going though pain... I feel the pain with them. Who knew this was a spiritual gift? lol I also randomly get REALLY worried or depressed for no reason...
Example: The other day I was driving away from work and I got panicked that I or someone else was going to get in a car accident... I thought it was just me being weird since I've had so many car problems... I prayed anyways. I prayed for protection and for no one to die if something did happen... I felt better and drove on home. About an hour later my friend Aiden called... He had been in a accident. At the same time I got scared and started praying. His new car was totaled and it's a miracle that he's alive. I was praying for him without knowing it. Wow.
I'm sure I'll blog more about this later... God and I are still figuring this out.

3. I now have a car. It's beautiful. God knew just what I wanted. I have missed the freedom of my own car.

4. I've been talking to this great guy... You can credit him for my new amazing blog design :) He loves God and people and is BRILLIANT AND CREATIVE... lucky him. lol He loves Converse and poetry. Just all around amazing guy :) His friendship has shown me that I've let my standards for guys slip... a lot. And that there's something better out there. Not going to forget that again.

5. I. Today. Have. My. Cosmetology. License!!!!!!!
So now I have to figure out what I want to do and start paying off some debt! lol I'm ready for anything God sends my way!

There are many other things changing in life... but for now this is what I'll share for now :) Prayers are always welcomed! I love you all and I'm praying for you my friends... I miss you guys!

Judging A Book

2010-10-03T23:49:00.000-07:00

MY life is often jumping around. Putting me in the path of people from every place and walk in life.

The biggest extremes I've seen...

1. People who others will put on a pedistool, hold up as something great because of looks or money or life style, the ones everyone envys.

2. People who others look down on, because of tattoos or piercings or lack of money or life style, the ones others ovoid.

I've been around people from both groups quite a bit in the past few weeks.

In the Beauty industry you find a lot of people from the first category. Guess what?!? I can't stand them! They are selfish snobs who only see themselves. Why does our culture hold this life style so high up? Not only the secular culture but Christians too. Yes I know they need God's love too... but I kinda think God didn't build me for that job as much as others.

I met a guy at church last week. He's working on getting both sleeves tattooed, ears and lip pierced, and all around someone that most people would try to put in the second category. This guy is 23 and has his own business, an apartment, works hard, and most of all has a relationship with God. He's been trough hell and back but continues to rise above it and become the man God wants him to be. Yet, our culture ESPECIALLY Christians judge on what they see.

They say it take about 5 seconds to create your oppion of someone. So we look at the beautiful blonde with the nice car and right away think that she is a good person because she looks like she has it all together. Then we look at the crazy tatted guy and decide that he isn't a good guy because he's different from the culture's standard.

So my challage to you today is to take a little longer than 5 seconds to "have someone all figured out". Look at their heart. Wouldn't you want someone to do the same for you? Let's take after the heart of God and take a little extra time on the figuring people out thing. Deal?

1 Samuel 16:7 (NLT)
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Don’t judge by his appearance or height, for I have rejected him. The Lord doesn’t see things the way you see them. People judge by outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

Pain.

2010-09-30T21:21:00.000-07:00

You thought I'd be the one, all the Fing guilt trips. All the tears. I tried so Fing hard! And YOU wouldn't trust ME? BS! You were just scared of yourself. So glad I figured that out... over a year to late. I defended you over and over... your pure motives.

You took EVERYTHING. You know that right? I cried over you AGAIN last night... tonight the tears are regret of any other tears ever shed over you.

Now you've changed me into something I never thought I'd become.

This stops here.

CAR!!!!

2010-09-27T22:34:00.000-07:00

I GOT A CAR $3,000!!!! It's beautiful! Though never thought I'd on a chevy, :/ lol

Amazing people with an amazing heart!!! God provides! Thank you LORD!!!!

The best day of my... well in a long time!

2010-09-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

First full day back at work since I have been sick in bed for a week! YAY!

First thing I walk in at 9:30 AM( not a morning person here lol) and other than small talk as I walk in the door, the first thing anyone says to me is from this guy who was sitting eating breakfast... yes he was cute... he walked past me and did a double take and then said "wow you have really pretty eyes." I said thanks and he shyly walked out the door. What a way to wake up! lol

Then Derek, one of my bestest friends came in to fill out an application and my boss did an interview and highered him on the spot! I'm so excited to help bring some positive into his life and plus I get to see him more! It's going to be so much fun!

I worked with lots of happy people... during slow times in the drive through we kinda read all the kids books that we're putting in our kids meals right now... If You Give A Mouse A Cookie... ya they have like five more like that! It was good times... Kids books are so much less complicated than real life. lol

Later this guy that I had met before that works in the same area came in and said hi. His band had just won a huge thing and it was really cool. :) And yes he's cute and is in a band and I feel like a silly 13 year old girl. lol but hey I'm single! ;)

THEN... I was walking back to the drive through and a guy was in front that looked like this guy that used to come in a lot in the mornings like a year ago. He randomly disapeared... I confess that every time I see a big white van like the one he drove for the company I think of him. Not in a weird way, just wondering where he went. lol So we made eye contact and I almost said something and he almost said something but then I kept walking. But no I went back and was like "you came in here all the time!" his responce... "You STILL work here." ha ha We talked and cought up a little :) He's really a fun guy! He has a buch of new awesome tattoos that he's turning into a sleeve :) He left and came back about 30 min later to get his boss food :) It was fun seeing him again!

Worked the rest of my shift and dad came to pick me up... We went by wal-mart to get some amazingly cool lime green shelves for my room... I get bored and have to change things ;) So I got in line with a few things and the lady in front of me had a whole basket so she told me to go ahead :) very sweet of her :) I payed for my things and I felt like God was saying to pay for some of her stuff... So I handed the cashier some money and asked her to put it twards this lovely lady's total. There jaws dropped and the lady was like "no no no you don't need to!" I smiled and said "I insist and God Bless." and walked off :) Don't you dare tell me ever again that I need drugs to get high... A God-high beats all!

Got home only to be reminded that both Prince of Pursa AND Letters To Juliet came out today! So Stephen and I hopped into the car and went to rent Prince Of Pursa and buy Letters To Juliet (for mom mostly). When I got to the register at the movie store the guy looks at me and puts in some extra numbers and tells me the total is like $16 when it should have been $20. I kinda looked at him and he said, "Thanks for the coupon mam." and winked! Ha ha He told me that if anyone asked I brought it in. lol Sweet guy ;) We walk out of the store and Stephen just looks at me and shakes his head... "I'm going shopping with you from now on! You always get free stuff from guys!" And no I hadn't flirted or anything! I was even in my oh so atractive work clothes. lol

We get home and ate dinner and talked and cleaned the kitchen as a family (well Sam was at the ball game)... all with out ANYONE fighting. (Seth actually randomly looked at me and said I love you! lol we haven't been on great terms lately) lol Then we all go out side and play knock out (basketball game fyi). I even won a game! We were all laughing and having so much fun! It was great family time that I haven't had in a while. Mom and Dad even played! or tried.... ;) shhh they didn't hear that! lol

We come back in and the guys watch Prince Of Pursa (amazing movie btw) and my mother and I layed on her water bed drinking wine, eating cheese and chocolate, and watching Letters To Juliet (someday I'll find a love like that... NOT). AMAZING! I've missed my mommy. Needed girl time (never thought I'd say that... lol) It was so relaxing. Fun. Special. Just what the doctor should have ordered :) I was also texting a few friends who were making me smile :)

As I started this blog Sam walked in the door from the game... the pitcher for the other team had thrown him a ball! He was glowing :) Gave me a big hug as he headed to bed. Pretty much completed my day :)

So yes if a guy is reading this I'm having fun being single ;) Not ready to give that up yet. lol

God is good! I find him in each of these little things that made me smile today :)

I love my friends and family and work family very much!

Now I'm going to fall asleep if I don't stop! lol
GOODNIGHT!

MY Friends

2010-09-12T22:59:00.000-07:00

I am who I am.
I am unchanging.
I am always changing.
I am me.

I lay on the cement tonight in the middle of a huge parking lot of an even bigger church. All abandoned now... except for us. My friends. Jennie, Ashley, Catie, Derek, Austyn, & Beau. Looking back at the night it was something that I hadn't experienced before. I didn't have to be anyone or anything but me.

I was at a place (by that I mean with the people, a place of the heart isn't a physical place)where I could raise my hands in praise, pray over friends and people I didn't know, give a crying stranger a squeeze of the hand and a smile, spin in the street, listen to Lady GaGa one min and hymns the next, a friend dressed as Surlock Holmes just cuz he felt like it, walk the parking lot with my best friend singing a silly praise song in crazy acents and know God is loving it and laughing as much as we are, I can wear a big black sweat shirt and feel totally confidant, random jokes, deep convos, hugs all around! I drove off with a picture on my back window of a broken heart that said... "Broken Love. Broken Hearts and Happy Words." Ya they know me pretty darn well. Thanks Austyn!

I guess I never really knew that I could choose my own friends, much less have ones who loved me for me or cared about who I was as much as I cared about them. A REALLY REALLY great (and new) feeling.

I love you guys! Thank you!
I love you God! God please use me...I want to be yours to command.

Jennie (Then She Handed Me A Flower)

2010-08-31T20:01:00.000-07:00

1
I had a bad day.
A boy broke my heart.
I feel worthless, ugly, and alone.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me I am precious, beautiful, and loved.
2
I had a bad day.
Mom drank to much and locked me out.
I'm confused, hurt, and unsure.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God has a plan even when I don't.
3
I had a bad day.
First day of school.
Wandering the campus alone and scared.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me that God my best friend will bless me.
4
I had a bad day.
My Dad touched me for the last time.
Heart and body shaking and broken.
The she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God has made me peaceful and whole.
5
I had a bad day.
Night mares flooded again.
Seeing her face, the face I destroyed.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God was holding her forever.
6
I had a bad day.
Lost my job, car wouldn't start, and rent is due.
Feeling like a failure and hopeless.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God provides and gives hope.
7
I had a bad day.
Looking in the mirror seeing only trash.
Cuts hidden show my strength and weekness.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me to let him to be strong when I'm weak.
8
I had a bad day.
Homework due and the baby is sick.
Always behind, unable to catch up.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me God will send relief and joy.
9
I had a bad day.
Parents yelling and fighting again.
Emotions of anger, fear, and uncertenty.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me of the security and protection of my creator.
10
I had a bad day.
My teacher told me I was stupid in front of the class.
Passion, anger, and remorse fill my mind.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me that God has my back and stands behind me.
11
I had a bad day.
The scale read 92 lbs.
It dawns I have a problem as dread grips me.
Then she handed me a flower,
Reminding me I can do all things through Christ.
12
I had a bad day.
Life was over wealming the gun was waiting at home.
Dead emotions no reason to live.
Then she handed me a flower,
It saved my life.

12 Roses
12 People
12 Lives

1 Person listening to God's prompting.
What would happen if we all listened a little better?
12 x ?
How many lives changed?
How many people saved?
Think about that.

Thank you my best friend. You have inspired me. You DO make a difference. I love you!

car update

2010-08-31T19:49:00.000-07:00

So fyi God does amazing things in the worst ways!!! My beautiful 2001 subaru impreza is totaled. But funny story this is the FIFTH time it has been totaled... didn't know that when I bought it. If you know anything about cars you know that if it's been totaled at all everything under the hood is probably going to have many problems down the road. BUT FOUR TIMES?!?! and that was before I got it. sigh Lots of schamming going on by a lot of people. Sigh... But God knew what he was doing and really probably saved my butt in the long run.

NOT WANTED! NOT WANTED! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

2010-08-23T18:14:00.000-07:00

So pretty much unless you wear a robe, sandles, have a beard, and love people with a love out of this world... I'M NOT GOING TO DATE YOU!

Yes that's right. God has the key to my heart... Heck he's got the heart too! I'm so done playing stupid games with my heart and all of yours. I'm single. I'm staying single. I'm done with stupid emotions.

Jesus is the only one that has enough love to go around to other people and still have some left over for me. The only one that listens to me and wants to get to know me as much as I want to get to know him. He's the only one that cares about my heart. The only one that I can count on not to cheat or lie or just be a stupid person.

When a guy can show me the heart of christ... I'll think about it... and until then I'm off the market people! For your own heart's heath stop trying!!!

Only God has the magic thread that can fix my broken heart... trust me you don't want my heart until he works on it some more...

WHAT IS IT?

2010-08-04T19:31:00.000-07:00

What is it?

The look in his eyes?
The way he holds you?
Every sweet touch?
Crazy memories?
Cute thoughtful gifts?
The promise of forever?

What is it?

Is it his frown?
The way he tests?
Every push of boundries?
Crazy guilt?
Cute begging?
A word to "teach" you?
The promise of being the only one?

What is it?

Is it when he turns?
Looking at another?
Lying to you?
Tears that poor?
Lost without you?
Crazy words?

Is THAT what it is?
Is THAT Love?
Is THAT all I have?

No.

There has to be more.
More to look forward to.
Something sweet.
Guilt free.

God is the writter,
This is my fairy tale.
I will take back control,
Hand it back to God.

NO he's not aloud to control,
NOT aloud to test.
NO more pushing
NO cheating.

This story is mine,
This story is God's
A book I will eddit,
Over and over till the end.

Red corections cover the pages,
Showing places to change.
The red marks tell me,
Jesus' red marks heal mine.

We're a team,
God and I.
Together forever.
No more cheating.

TRUE LOVE

Car....

2010-08-04T19:26:00.000-07:00

FINALLY got my car!

Seth picked me up from school in my car... Got in the car to drive home and head to work... so so excited to drive it for the first time...

Lots of traffic... I didn't see... turned... got hit.

Car can't be drien again.

GAG!

No car!

2010-07-18T07:52:00.000-07:00

April 7, 2010
A guy in a truck ran a red light as I was turning left across his lane. I saw him at the last second and so I sped up. Thank God. He hit only the part of my car behind the back tire on the drivers side.The frame of the car was pushed off so much that my car was totaled. I was able to keep in in control and pulled off into a gas station where a cop just happened to be sitting. He didn't see the lights or the actual impact but it made me feel so much better to know he was right there.

Turns out the guy didn't have insurance and since they said it was his fault I should have gotten a butt load of money for a new car and a free rental until I could get a car. Instead my insurance covered it... and by covered it I mean they gave me $580 for my car... not exactly enough to get a new car.

Ya. God had some other things in mind... My family has had one car ever since then. Six people who all have insane lives to keep up with and Seth's surgeries. It's been a crazy journey. But Let me share what I've learned.

1* I can't just live life doing my own thing on my plan... 5 other people in my house need the same car I do. Every time I want or need to do something I have to see if I have the car. I can't just up and go I have to think of the needs around me.

2* Killed some pride issues I have... I HATE asking people or help weather it's emotionally, physically, financially, or any other way! lol A. It's stressful not having a car, I'm a little more on edge and need more emotional support B. I have to ask people to take me EVERYWHERE, whether to a friends house or to school or work. C. GAS=$$$$$ so while I've paid people gas money I know they have still spent that money on driving me around... So all those things are really a blow to the ego.. I've known I need to be humbled for a while and maybe this was God's answer to that prayer to be humbled! It worked for sure! Though I have a ways to go I'm sure.

3* As stupid as it is I don't have a car to drive to lunch in at school. If you have been keeping up with this blog at all you know by now that I don't have many friends at school and don't really fit in. I'm well liked and everything but there for a while I for sure didn't have any lunch buddies. Because I like food, that has had to change. lol So I have ended up asking random people if I can tag along to make a lunch run. I've seen that I need to exted myself more and people will open up to me more. I went to lunch with two girls the other day that I never would have if I had had a car... guess what? It was fun! lol So not having a car has made the last few months of beauty school almost enjoyable. :)

4* My family is very very loved! We have had two or three families going out of town and letting us borrow a car! While Seth and I can't drive them because we are under 21 it has been a huge blessing to my parents and to free up our van for us :) It's amazing to see who all has your back when it really comes down to it! So thank you all!

5* Patience. Trust.
Two things I'm really not good at! I have always though I was a patient person. Always thought I didn't get truely angry easy either... But after Two months of hearing "it should be done tomorrow" or "I'll have it to you by friday" or "got the wrong parts again"... I'm freaking DONE! I don't think I've ever had to try to hold my temper this much.. like every time I think about it! sigh. And trusting that God knows what he is doing and if I was supposed to have a car right now I would. Obviously he had a few things to teach me. lol

Well praying I'll have it by the end of this weekend... But not holding my breath ;) I'll let you know though!

Almost Freedom

2010-07-03T17:17:00.000-07:00

I'm at a place in my life once again where I feel like I'm drowning.... trying to hold my breth a little longer just until I can push to the top and break the water.... I can finally see the sun shining through... ALMOST THERE.

I will graduate Beauty school early Aug. It's been a year of testing my faith and my sanity. Also, a year of seeing what I'm made of and how I can effect people and stretch my creativity skills. can't wait to be done... ALMOST

I'm stuck under a crap load of debt from school... And just getting ready to be able to start paying it off and get on my feet. ALMOST

I'm single and am living my own life... the way I want to... It's amazing... though I still don't fully know what I want my life to look like. Time will tell. Only God knows. He'll let me in on it some day. ALMOST

I'm stepping out of my comfort zone and when I'm invited somewhere I go. I'm for the first time in my life acutally CHOOSING MY OWN FRIENDS! Spending time with people that can support and love me and have fun.... just as I am... aka there's no need to party or talk a certen way or act any way... I can just be me around these people... even talk about my faith and struggles! I thought I was the only one left... Thank God I'm learning I'm not. ALMOST

I'm trying to understand God's grace and unconditional love. No matter what, no matter where, no matter when, no matter why... He's still there waiting for us. Loving us the same as always ready to forgive us 70 times 7 (witch in bible times was the number for infinity). I'm trying to wrap my mind around this... It's not easy. but. ALMOST

I'm learning to rely on God and know his plan is always best he longs to give us the best... even if it doesn't seem like it at the time... sometines we have to go to boot camp first. We have to loose all control and let God have the mucles in the relationship. Let him do it thing and by golly we need to listen! Trying to open my ears. ALMOST

I'm learning the value of family... I would be so so lost with out them. It's the closest thing to unconditional love of God that I have seen. Where I would be with my family is so so lost... I'm starting to see this now. ALMOST

I look into the light shining in the water... trying to make that last push... relizing I can't do it alone. Suddenly i see many hands and at the lead is my Lord and Savior reaching down pulling me out!

Old boys.... Random

2010-06-13T19:49:00.000-07:00

These are random poems that I never really finished... all written about a guy I dated. I never really finished any of them for a number of reasons. 1 I lost them and just found them in a random note book. lol 2 The relationship ended. 3 It hurts to much to finnish.
So here's a small look into my guys. :) (all of wich I still love as dear friends fyi )

Guys are sometimes rude,
Nearly always crude.
BUT, sometimes they can be totally sweet,
I mean having a guy look at you is really neat.
He's as cute as a bug,
When he gives you a hug.
But where are his eyes staring?
Dont you think that's a little daring?
But then he lightly touches your hand,
Oh the tingle down yor spine is so grand!
What does he say when you're not around?
Is he talking to his friends and putting you down?
When he says something to make you blush,
Your heart just turns to mush.
You give a long sigh,
With so much happiness how could one die?
But then you blink,
And so much faster than you think.
You grew up,
Almost as fast as filling a cup.
When you look deep in the core,
You know it just won't work anymore.
Then it's done,
Just as fast as it begun.
Lord take care of him,
Don't let his vission dim.
Let him live for you,
And for the girl he will some day marry too.

(okay I did kinda finish that one ;P lol)

Alone in the car,
Watching the world flash by.
Rain splish splashing,
I notice I'm smiling.
But why?

The song on the radio?
I listin closely
No, to depressing.
This smile is something bigger.

The rain drizzling down?
Beautiful in every way.
But that's not it,
This smile is something newer.

I'm smiling for you.

The twinkle in your eyes,
Your dorky smile,
The caring voice,
I miss you.

The way you poke fun,
Your artistic twist,
The helpless confidance,
I miss you.

The unique way of thinking,
Your beautiful words,
The smell telling me you're near,
I miss you.

The soft switch,
Your fingers poaking my ribs,
The fallowing puppy,
I miss you.

The way you held me,
Your arms pulling me close,
The sweet complaments,
I miss you.

The person I wanted to tell erything to,
You simply listin,
The person I wanted to know anything,
I miss you.

The way you put my arms around you,
Your soft gentel lips on mine,
The way you never let go,
I miss you.

I'm so screwed up!
I don't know what I think.
Fear and desire,
Twisted into one.

Yes then no,
Then yes again.
Make up your D*** mind!
How can you be this lost!?

Shame and guilt,
Over rides every emotion.
I'm so stupid!
All I can say.

I was wrong,
You don't know or understand,
So how could you care?

Not your fault,
you can't help it,
You just don't understand me.

I thought I'd found someone,
Who loved me for me,
Every part.

Impossible,
Things that make me smile,
Give you a frown.

Jealousy and Anger,
So important to you,
I hate them.

I've tried,
For days,
I've tried.

You brush me off,
Like an annoying fly,
Something you wish to leave you alone.

I just want to be there,
Can't always be in person,
Is that really required?

I hve to be in your arms,
For you to know,
I care.

My life bursting,
Bursting at the seams,
Held together by a thred.

Thought you knew,
Thought you understood,
Thought you cared.

You can't love,
What you don't understand,
That's me.

Praying to forget,
Praying for change,
Praying for reason.

Wishing to wake up,
From the nightmare,
One more day with out you.

Laying my head down,
Each night praying,
Waking up to you by my side.

Opening my eyes,
Each morning realizing,
The nightmare = reality.

Rolling out of bed,
Tears in my eyes,
Wondering how to live another day.

Alone.

Stepping under the warm waterfall,
Rembering your smile,
Tears and water the same.

Alone.

Reaching for clothes,
Pants, shirts, shoes,
Memories attached to each.

Alone.

Sending the words,
Once brightened your day,
Eyes fill with liquid emotion.

Alone.

Breathing deep,
Praying for strength,
Yet another day from hell.

Alone.

Ears suddenly alert,
Hearing the wonderful words,
You Make Me Smile.

Alone.

If only you could see

2010-05-31T21:51:00.000-07:00

My School Girls,

If only you could see.
See the real me.
The crazy one.
The fun one.

I love to party.
I love people.
Every person.
You're all special.

I'm really quite loud.
I hardly shut up in group settings.
Unless it's to watch.
Seeing who people really are.

I love to listen.
Listen to heart ache.
Listen to joys.
Laughter and tears are my favorite.

I wish you could see me.
High with out drugs.
Drunk with out wine.
Content with out sex.

It's possible you know.
A good time with out regret.
A party with out wild times.
Loving life.

I hate to run.
I love to run.
To let go.
Be free.

Friends are the only things that keep me.
I have so so many.
I walk in.
EVERYONE knows my name if I want them to or not.

I love coming home.
Feeling known and loved.
For who I am.
Cherished.

I know that's not life anymore.
I'm at it alone.
Nameless in the world.
Just another person praying to make a mark.

I wish you could see.
Jesus who sees you.
Forgives you.
Loves you.

I pray.
You will someday feel that only unconscionable love.
Only He can give.
Joy only from him.

I wish I could be used.
That person who shows.
But I don't know how.
I'm not worthy to show.

I love each of you.
More than you know.
I pray for each of you.
Probably more than you'd like.

If only you could see.

As a prisoner for the Lord, then I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle: be patient, bearing with one another in love. Ephes. 4:1-2

Trapped Freedom

2010-05-02T16:29:00.000-07:00

Wasn't enough,

Not enough,

Never enough.

What to change?

What to find?

Who to be?

Not a perfect fit,

Different,

Is it possible?

Love,

How is so wrong,

So right?

Just a smile,

That reaches your eyes,

Makes you laugh.

For that,

Not this,

Not me.

Just a tear,

A sob,

Freedom to let go.

For this,

Not that,

Not me.

The want,

The desire,

The need.

Maybe?

Soon?

Someday?

Feelings.

Dreams.

Truth.

Feelings, dreams, truth,

Spinning,

Contredicting.

Lost.

For now?

Forever?

For what?

Taken.

Pain of love,

Pain of joy,

Pain of tears.

Broken.

Trying to forget,

Trying to let go,

Trying to breath.

Frozen.

Reaching for light,

Reaching for love,

Reaching for hope.

Weak.

Possible hope,

Possible joy,

Possible freedom.

God.

Let you're like shine when all else fades

2010-05-02T16:11:00.000-07:00

I once told my mom that I think the reason I have so many guys after me all the time is not because they like who I am or are drawn to ME, but the fact that I have a relationship with God and they can see God shinning through me. So I've asked people is that me having a big ego for thinking that God uses me that much? Or is it me thinking so litte of who I am that people can't love me for me? What's the balance?

I often feel like every time God gives me a good close friend (with about 2 exceptions) weather a boyfried or just any friend, that persons life falls apart. (even had friends joke that we can't be firends anymore because they don't want their life to crash. lol) I can be there to help them through it and speak truth and then they are taken away no matter how much I need a shoulder to cry on. I feel like God uses me to help others get through **** and then tosses me aside. I'm left alone. Broken and hurting.

I thought I had fianally found someone who would care about Me and love Me as much as I cared about and loved him. I think I did. But God had other plans.

Now all that's left is to trust God and let him have control. believe that He has something amazing planned... but looking at the track record... not easy.

Funny I had some amazing life lesson and deep thoughts... but now I can't even remember where I was going. ah well I'll fill you in if anything good comes out of this!

Love you!
xoxo

THIS WORLD SUCKS!

2010-02-04T19:41:00.000-08:00

This world.

I have lived in this world for 18 years... Never REALLY fit in... Always something different.

BUT THIS!??!?!

I love my school. I love what I do. I love learning. I love the teachers.

I hate the girrlie girl feel. I hate the gossip. I hate the back stabbing. I hate the "seeing how much we can get away with". I hate the constent sex talk. I hate the minipulation. I hate the partying. Friends turning on friends.

Sorry not exactly a place I can fit into. Sure people are nice but I have no one to sit with. Eat lunch with. Talk with during the long hours of standing there doing hair. Just lonely.

I was in tears the other night in the arms of my hero (dustin), saying that I don't fit in and that this world is crule and noone loves anymore. He looked at me and smile. "Good. I'm glad you don't fit in. According to God his fallowers never really fit into this world. You're not suposed to fit in."

Well dang!

That changed my out look on what I was feeling. I got up the next morning and headed to school with a smile on my face. Everytime soething happened to make me feel out of place I just smiled! No it's not easy, but all I had to think is that I have a best friend in heaven and he is the biggest most loving most important frien to have and he is MINE. I just wish some of these girls could experiance that. I know there would be a lot less of the things I hate if they did. Who knows. Maybe I can show them that they have another opption. Maybe not. I'll see what God feels like doing ;) For now I'll keep that mind set for seven more months and get through some how. :)

So please guys if you can pray for me. Pray for strength. For Hope. Love. Faith. All that good stuff... and maybe even a friend ( I sound like I'm in kindergarden lol). Anyone to even just be real with and talk to. I'm hurtting and missrible most days.

I miss you all more than you can imagin. Praying for each of you. Please know that if you ever need anything I'm still here... just don't answer my phone as much :( I love you all like crazy! My friends.

BLA

2010-02-02T18:38:00.000-08:00

I'm sorry. I have no life. No life to give to you. I'm in school 44 hours a week. Working right after that three nights a week. I was always there. Now I can't be. I'm sorry.
I'm doing my best.
Forgive me.

Broken Shards

2009-12-28T21:44:00.000-08:00

Holding a bag,
Carrying my shattered heart.
Tied tight,
Securely hidden.

Only ones with eyes,
See the lump concealed by my breast.
A chance,
To see ME.
Broken.

Late in the dark,
Peaking into the bag.
Mourning the broken shards,
That used to be my heart.

Tall, big, scary, man,
Walking slowly into the light.
Staring at me,
Reaching to me.

I turn and run,
Fast not far.
Fear grips me,
I've dropped the bag.

My heart,
Gone forever.
In the hands,
Of a stranger.

I stop and turn,
Terrified at what I'll see.
Horror and shock,
Grip my every being.

He sits down,
Gently picking up the pieces.
Pulling from his pocket,
A needle and golden thread.

Stitching with care,
Even the smallest shards back together.
Standing he hands me my heart,
Whole and beautiful.

Eyes so kind, forgiving, loving,
The eyes of my Maker.
Held in the arms of my Savior,
Peace at last.

Dark

2009-12-28T21:24:00.000-08:00

You place them in my life.
Weak,
Hurting,
Confused.

I point them to you.
Strength,
Life,
Joy.

Then like a conveyor belt,
They're gone and moved on.
I've done my job,
Fixing the broken pieces.
They skip on with life.

All the time,
A smile on my face.
Fingers torn and sore,
Heart ripped in two.
Exhausted and hurting.

Looking for any to heal,
Perhaps one I helped.
A kind soul to mend,
The messy pieces of my heart.
No One.

All gone,
All happy,
All alone.

You teach me,
To teach them.
How do I learn?

You help me,
To help them,
Where is my help?

You comfort me,
To comfort them.
Where is my hug?

Pain so raw,
So real.
Tears flow like rain,
A thunderstorm.

Afraid to find,
Hope, Joy, or Love.
Fear of fixing,
Of disappearing.

Lost, alone, shaking, crying, scared, hurting.....
DARK

Free To Be Me by Francesca Battistelli

2009-10-19T19:05:00.000-07:00

At twenty years of age I'm still looking for a dream
A war is already waged for my destiny
But You've already won the battle
And You've got great plans for me
Though I can't always see, 'cause...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me When

I was just a girl I thought I had it figured out
See my life will turn out right
And I'll make it here somehow
But things don't always come that easy
And sometimes I would doubt, 'cause...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you
Sometimes I believe
That I can do anything
Yet other times I think
I've got nothing good to bring
But You look at my heart and you tell me
That I've got all You seek
And it's easy to believe, even though...

I got a couple dents in my fender
Got a couple rips in my jeans
Try to fit the pieces together
But perfection is my enemy
And on my own I'm so clumsy
But on Your shoulders I can see
I'm free to be me

And you're free to be you

Update on life!

2009-10-13T19:30:00.000-07:00

God does some weird things. Sometimes we need to step back and then take a step to fallow him in trust and faith.

There you go. That sums up my life right about now! lol

Well I'm going to Beauty school now. I thought I was going there to learn to make people look good and feel good about themselves. Okay ya but there is so much more to it than that!

At school about half of the people I'm with and talking to all day work night jobs and "gentleman's clubs". Most of the girls are already moms. Most of them no older than me. So so much pain. So much gossip. So much hiding. Hurt. Lost. Confused. Searching.

I know now that God has placed me there to be a light. Maybe I'll never get to be a "witness" to any of them but I can live in light and not judge and love them all... sometimes that's the best we can do. Though if God opens the door I'll jump and do a handspring (gymnast at heart still!) through and give it my all. These girls are all trying to make a better life for themselves and kids. They are so so strong and smart. I really respect them.

Saying that, it has been hard to go from a strict homeschool environment to a very open "free" way of looking at life. I have had to leave class because of movies showing. Stand there and wrapping perms praying for the girls around me listing to their stories. Keep my mouth shut even when I have so so much to say. Answer questions on why I wear a ring on my left hand and am not engaged (purity ring just in case you didn't know :D). I got in trouble for talking about church and politics.

I have felt so so alone and trapped in a world where I didn't fit in or have any support. I did hunt down a couple christian girls who I love dearly :) but it's still not like we can even talk about anything that really matters in life. lol No wonder people think hairstylists are air heads! They are all to afraid to offend some one to share anything smart! Sigh. lol

One story really fast before I fall asleep! one of my favorite educators told this to us in class...

There was a Salon owner. One day about two min till close one day a lady came in asking for a hair cut, it was late and none of the stylists wanted to take her. So the owner took her back to a chair herself.

She noticed when the Lady walked in that she was kinda out of it, not looking anyone in the eye, giving yes and no answers to everything, slouching in the chair. The owner talked to the lady and tried to get her to loosen up a little and give her a hair style that would make her feel good abouy herself. She also asked the lady about her life and just anything she could do to keep the lady talking. She didn't learn much about the lady but an hour later the guest walked out of the store with a smile on her face. The owner saw that she was talking more and looking her in the eye more and standing up straight.

The owner closed up and moved on with life but still wondering about the lady that seemed so down.

A few days later the lady called and told her she wanted to thank her. Because she was planning on killing herself that night. The fact that the owner stayed open late just for her and spent a whole hour showing she was important and beautiful changed how she looked at life and decided to give living another go.

Yes our job goes way beyond hair. You never know who might be sitting in your chair and the chance you have to change a life. Just as important as a politician or a musician thank you very much ;)

What Guys Hate! (5. Stop! Think!)

2009-10-13T19:06:00.000-07:00

So this is the last I'm going to do on the whole guys/girls thing. I mostly want to bring it back to the main point. My almost-brother Kyle reminded me that some some times guys like it when girls do some of the little "annoying" things I have been talking about.

Though a lot of the time it's when you're already dating the guy when they like these things. My boyfriend loves getting off work to 10 random texts about whatever comes to mind when we aren't talking.... or so he says... lol ;)

All I'm going to say is play it by ear. There is a guy out there for each of you and you don't need to play games to get him. If he is the right one he will love you for you :) all this was for is to maybe open some minds to how guys think a little more.

So ladies!

You have some ideas. You are figuring out who YOU are. You are learning who God made YOU. Go out there with confidance and have fun!... Okay not TOO much ;)

What Guys Hate! (4. What are you thinking?)

2009-09-07T19:51:00.000-07:00

What the guys said!

"We can't read minds!"

"How am I supposed to tell what you're thinking if you don't tell me?"

"How would I know? You never said that."

Ladies, the guys will be the first to admit that they can't read us! We often think, hey maybe I could drop a hint here, or maybe I'll kinda say what I mean and make him figure it out. Ya sorry guys are stupid when it comes to us, though we girls could use some help on learning about guys too. lol

But we blame them for messing up all the time when they don't really even know what the heck we want! It's not fair to play games or drop hints. If by some mirical they pick up on a hit you drop it will most likely be taken the wrong way. lol So don't even risk it with something important.

Guys like black and white. That's what they understand. Weather it's about if you like him or not, or what you guys are going to do today, or that you want him to buy you flowers, or serious things like how you're feeling, or sexual boundries. BLACK AND WHITE PLEASE! None of this making them guess or using "colors" or "gray areas" . You will never be happy or get what you want if you're not straight up with them. If they ask a question then PLEASE give them a straight up answer. ( I know I know I suck at this but I'm working on it!)

BUT.

Guys do like mystry. We can be flirty and fun and some what mysterious. Just not about all the little things that don't matter or all the big things that really really matter. Keep that in mind when learning to interact with guys.

One last serious thought. If you give a straight answer about ANYTHING stick to it. Don't let they guys change your mind... I tnow they are oh so cute but don't let that control you ;) That's for God to do. :)
love ya'll!!!

What Guys Hate! (3. TALKING!)

2009-07-21T14:12:00.000-07:00

What the guys said!

"When girls talk about random nothings for hours at a time."
"Gossip"
"Calling other girls sluts beause they are prettier or have a better body than you"

Pretty much in the words of Peter Pan "Girls talk to much!"

Part 1. Randomly Talking

An old proverb once said, "Do not speak unless you can improve the silence."

I am a girl, I know how our minds work. Shiny! Sun! Hockey! Hair! Boys! Jump! Email! Flying! Time! Boys! Text! Bunny! Clouds!

Ya.... guys don't laugh that took me about 10 seconds to come up with, its just how we think.
Girls here is a test, have a guy read those random thoughts I garentee that all they will say is "wow" or "what the heck is she on?" lol
Guys don't think this way, and it drives them crazy in abut 3 minutes. Going back to the last blog, unless you have something to say, in the words of Josiah, "You're prettier when you don't talk."

Part 2. Gossip!

Yes this is a hard one, because half of the time we don't know that we are doing it. But it's not only something that hurts others, starts fights, breaks up friendships, but it drives the guys CRAZY!
there is a goo reason it does too, and that's because it's stupid! lol Sometimes we do need to talk to someone about those around us, work through things with someone else. That's okay. Find one or two GIRLS you can really trust and talk to them about it. Guys don't want to hear about all our girl drama.

Part 3. Bad Mouthinging

So if you see a girl that always turns the heads of the guys that you are with, Do NOT call her a slut or a whore. First off she probably is a normal girl she is insicure and dealing with really hard things. Sometimes the guys say it, then it must really be true! But really I walk around all the time with groups of guys, yes I get dirty looks, so really why would I want to do that to someonther girl. Just don't bad mouth another girl beause she is always with guys, is really pretty, or has a better body. Be conifdant in YOU.

I think I will always close with this, Girls God made YOU for a reason. Please please find who you are in him and grow in that. Let God be your guide. When you can do that you are capible of catching any guys eye. Because a guy like someone who is different, and a girl who is confidant, THAT is different.

What Guys Hate! (2. Drama Queens! x2)

2009-07-11T20:03:00.000-07:00

Just have to say.... I just got a lap top! This is the first blog written on it! lol

Okay Let's Just Jump In!
This is what the guys said!

"Really Clingy."

"Self-exclusion just for attiontion."

"Supper flirty"

"Acting like their life is horible when it is really better than most"

So what does this mean?

DON'T BE A DRAMA QUEEN!

There are two main ways to do this. 1. Being Clingy, and 2. Excluding yourself. Both of these thing are don for the same reason... to get as much attiontion as you can and have every one focused on you. Ouch. I know right? But seriously it's true. Yes we all do this in some form but we are only going to look at the top two the guys talked about.

Part 1. Being Realy Clingy!

Okay this goes for if you are dating the guy, if you just like him, if you are trying to get him to like you, or if you are even just friends!
TEXTING!!!!!!
I know I know guys are so much more fun to text than other girls, espechialy when we're bored. But the guys really can't take it all the time. What's to much then? Yes it depends on the guy and what your relationship with them is. Unless you are dating and he just loves to talk or HE starts the convo, I'm sorry! Once a day is to much! Once every three days isn't bad. Once or twice a week would be great!
When a guy get's five texts a day telling him how hungry you are, what you're wearing, what your pet did that day, or the latest gossip.... He will someday just stop responding. If you really like talking to a guy here's some good rules of thumb if you're not sure if you should text him or not. Ask these questions.
1. When was the last time you talked?
Yesterday? To soon. Wait at least one day if not two before starting a convo.
2. Who started the last convo?
You? okay make him take a turn, this is also a good way to see if he WANTS to talk to you.
3. Do you have a reason to talk to him?
Not really? Ya come up with something better than that.

Now if you are in a group and alwas jumping in the middle of the circles, fallowing the guy around, talking to him even if you're half way across the room, tring to keep a text convo going when he is right next to you, ANYTHING where you force him to focous on you. He will start avoding you.

Part 2. Excluding Yourself/ Self Pitty

Okay I see this WAY to much. If you're having a bad day I understand... But it isn't going to get any better if you sulk in the corner when there are other people around. Ultimitly you just want someone to come over and see if you're okay. You want everyone to look at you and talk about you. You want them to wonder if you're ok. Not Okay. If you're having a bad day you should have a good friend that you can talk to, talk it through with them and then move on and interact with the people around you.
Also, guys really hate it when you say life is horible and this and this and this is bad and that no one understands. Seriously? Is you're life so much worse tha everyone elses? If all you do is complain the guys will start thinking that you are constantly PMSing. MAJOR TURN OFF. lol

So ladies I said this before, but really what everything boiles down to is confidance. Be yourself. Not over the top. Not all emo. The guys will see you much better if you don't do things that make them mad and drive them crazy. Just don't creat drama.

What Guys Hate! ( 1. Being what you're not 1&2)

2009-07-05T16:27:00.000-07:00

Okay! Here it goes! I have been talking to some of my close guy friends and getting the top five things that drives them crazy! I got some really good answers, actually enough ideas to do 12 blogs! lol but I think I'll tie some together so I don't have to do that much. :) so here it goes!

Ladies this is what the guys said!

"Self counsous around others"
"Being a ditz"
"Pretending to be what their not for a guy"
"Acting like their 10"
"If you got it flaunt it, if you don't got it don't flaunt it"
"Don't put on every kind of make up you own, we don't like it"

So if this is what the guys said, and we all know we do one or more of these things all the time... What do we do about it?

PART 1~ Pretending to be what your not for a guy

We all do this every day. Some of us wake up and put on the mask for that day, every day may be different. Put on make-up to cover up the real you. Now I'm not saying make up is bad or you can't be in a different mood everyday, heck I love make-up and never live the same day twice. But when we walk out the door and go to school, the movies, the mall, park, or just hanging out around the guys, we change. Some times we pretend to be a ditz, or wine like we're 10, or always follow a guy around and talk to him non-stop... even when there is really nothing to say. Sometimes we stand back and watch the other girls (the "pros") take over, running to the bathroom every 5 min to see how our hair looks or to put on more lip gloss. Every one of these things the guys complain about all the time! Mostly the guys want to know YOU. Girls always say to me "he doesn't care" or "he won't ask about me". NO DUH! If they think you're putting on a show or just doing things to get them to like you they don't want to spend the time trying to figure out what part of you they see is really YOU! So here's what we do. Learn who you are. Yes I know, believe me I know, this can be hard. I doubt we will ever know fully, but once we figure at least a piece of this out life will be so much easier in every way. When you wake up tomorrow think to your self, Who do I want to be today? not, Who am I seeing today? or What would Bob think of this shirt? figure out who YOU are, even if just for the day, and stick to that. This gives the guys so much less guessing and so much more of getting to know the REAL and AMAZING person YOU are. Yes, they might actually try if they don't have to go through 500 layers just to see a glimpse of you. ;)

PART 2~ If you got it flaunt it, if you don't, don't.

A friend once told me that it made him mad when girls tried to dress to impress. "If we ask you out don't go find the shortest skirt you can and lowest cut shirt you have. Don't put on every kind of make-up you own. If we like you don't try to cover you up." Who would have thunk it right?! Seriously girls we are all made in every color, shape, and size. So figure out what you are and try to dress to that. My friend Ashley can't wear as low cut shirts as I can because of how she is built but I can't wear the heals and short skirts she can. We are both beautiful, but different. This goes for all parts of how we look. With hair, make-up, clothes, shoes. Don't try to be the models on TV because you never will be satisfide with yourself if you do. Let me let you in on a little secret... the guys really don't think most of those girls are hot, they say they are all skin and bones and weird clothes. WOW! I know right!? So I don't know how I am good at this resurch but could never resurch for debate... but I found some stuff that might help us all out :)

Dress for Your Body Type

How to put on the Right Mak-up

Right Hair for the Right Face

WHAT GUYS HATE! (INTRO)

2009-06-29T21:37:00.000-07:00

NATASHA BEDINGFIELD LYRICS TO "SINGLE"

"Single"

Ah yeah that's right
All you single people out there
This is for you

I'm not waitin' around for a man to save me
(Cos I'm happy where I am)
Don't depend on a guy to validate me
(No no)
I don't need to be anyone's baby
(Is that so hard to understand?)
No I don't need another half to make me whole

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't

[Chorus:]
This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be
I'm single
(Right now)
That's how I wanna be

Ah yeah Uh Huh that's right

Don't need to be on somebody's arm to look good
(I like who I am)
I'm not saying I don't wanna fall in love 'cos I would
I'm not gonna get hooked up just 'cos you say I should
(Can't romance on demand)
I'm gonna wait so I'm sorry if you misunderstood

[Chorus]

Everything in it's right time everything in it's right place
I know I'll settle down one day
But 'til then I like it this way it's my way
Eh I like it this way

Make your move if you want doesn't mean I will or won't
I'm free to make my mind up you either got it or you don't
'Til then I'm single

This is my current single status
My declaration of independence
There's no way I'm tradin' places
Right now a star's in the ascendant

Okay so I'm thinking I want to do 5 blogs on what drives the guys most crazy that us girls do all the time. Something more fun :)

Here is a web sight by guys telling women what drives them crazy! Just something to look at if I don't cover all your questions! :)

WHAT GUYS SAY

But keeping in mind these lyrics, it's not all about learning how to get the guy. You should be completely sure in who YOU are and who GOD made YOU. With or with out a guy right by your side. Someday that right guy will come along and sweep you off your feet. Guess what? You will have no hand in it. It will be all God. Just keep this in mind as we play a little too ;)

Nationals!

2009-06-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

- 4 friends

+ 11 friends

- 0 awards

+ 3 lessons learned

- 1 finger nail

+ 1 nice tan

- 2 pearl earrings

+ 1 summer dress

- 1 suit outfit

+ 1 cute skirt

- 3 pounds

+ 1 Adorable swim suit

- $ 1,359.82

+ 1 AMAZING day at the beach!!!!!

This sums up my nationals trip! (for all you nerds that does come out to -1351.82)

Perfect

2009-06-27T15:33:00.000-07:00

Tall,
Dark,
Handsome.

Perfect

Fun,
Smart,
Jock.

Perfect

Listener,
Talker,
Laughter.

Perfect

Believer,
Trusting,
Broken.

Perfect

So what's the question?
Why do we stop to think?
What's holding us back?

Perfect in every way.
Willing to go the extra mile.
Sweet and caring.

Fear?
Fear of what?
Fear of being hurt?

Stupid things.
To hold us back.
To help us miss out.

Is it us?
Is it God?
The reason to stop and wait?

Please God.
Free the mind.
Your will be done.

Stab My Heart

2009-06-27T15:23:00.000-07:00

Over and over,
I stab myself in the heart.
You should be mine,
I've known it for years.

But no,
You're with this one or that one.
But none right for you,
I watch it kill you each time.

Why can't you see?
They are just wrong for you.
Don't you know?
They don't understand you.

Not like I understand you.

Best friends forever.
Can't get better than that.
I know you.
You know me.

For what is unseen.

In your hugs,
I never want to let go.
To stay in your arms forever,
Feel your lips on mine.

Dreams.

I have tried,
To pass it off as lust,
As best friend,
Just a crush.

But it stays by me.

I'm stuck in your trap,
Trap of friendship.
You know me,
Through and through.

I'm your open book.

You're always there,
Any shape I need.
Your strong solder,
A friendly laugh.

So why do I always want more?

I can't seem to get over it,
Over you.
Why can't I be satisfied,
Being your dear friend.

Why must I put myself through this?

Stab me in the heart,
Time and time again.
But I'll hold on,
To whatever part I can have.

Even if just your friendship.

Love + Friendship = RAIN

2009-06-26T13:36:00.000-07:00

I say~ I'm alone with no friends.

Gods says~ Let me be your friend.

I say~ How do I know you even care?

~God sends rain :)

Living in The Moment

2009-05-03T16:53:00.001-07:00

Seth and Ashlynn and Austin and Me
~Prom 2009

So prom was this week end, my senior prom, my last, my most amazing prom.

I now have a boyfriend (guess the Wanted add worked ;P ) and he is one of the sweetest most amazing guys I know. God has used him to let me learn so many things but this one stands out right now... To live in the moment... no be so worried about tomorrow that you can't be happy or sad in today.

Sometimes things are so up and down around my house. One min everything will be fine and everyone is happy then something happens, big or small, and it's a mess. Whether it's Seth hitting Sam a little to hard or Dad stressed because we have no money in the bank. So there for a while I found I was more happy just not being at home as much. Don't get me wrong I love my family but something wasn't working for me. I figured out that it's all the stress, the random, uncertainties of everyday life. So I would run away rather than feel anything.

But that's not healthy.

God gives us these ups and downs so we can live them and experience all the emotions that comes along with it... When you're happy be happy. When you're sad be sad. Then let go and move on to the next unpredictable moment.

Ashley and Amber and I went to the mall today with five dollars in each of our hands to seek out the cheap treasures. Lol (we did pretty good btw) As we were walking I saw a pair of jeans that were light blue and had bleached cloud looking places on them, it looked like a pretty blue sky scene. But they had rips in them. Big ones. (While I LOVE this style it is not always looked well upon.) I looked at the girls and I was like it's Ripping Clouds! Amber said it was like God playing Peak a boo! lol Dad and Austin just thought of when Jesus returns. While Ash just couldn't get over the fact that you can't rip clouds. lol

As I thought more about what it could mean this is what I thought of... If we look close we see all the rips places and lose strings if our life. But when we step back we see the beauty of the sky that's around it... and the other way also, we can stare at the clouds all the time but that could get boring. But when we step back we see a beautiful balance of the two.... and a really cute pair of jeans!

Take the time to enjoy the rips and tares and clouds and sky in your life and not always be thinking about how long those jeans are really going to last. ;P

"For I know the plans I have for you," Declares the LORD, " Plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

Jeremiah 29:11

EXTRA! EXTRA! READ ALL ABOUT IT!

2009-03-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

This is a Want Ad written by Ashley and Me. It was inspired by the song "Want Ads" by Honey Cone. Enjoy!

Wanted: Two young men (contact for age requirements.) Handsome is preferable. MUST be able to carry on intelligent conversation! The ability to play an instrument or sing is recommended. Must not be a pansy. Knights in shining armor are frowned upon, but princes are acceptable if they are similar to Aragorn. Facial hair will be decided upon in a case-by-case basis. Once again, he must be smart. The ability to entertain or make us laugh will be a deciding factor. He must be able to handle strong headed women. Cooking is a talent he must possess. He must be passionate about hockey an love converse. Finally. above all else, he MUST love God.

Applications are now available; contact if interested.
Wimps need not apply.

Forest Princess

2009-03-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

She wanders,
A princess.
In the dark she shudders,
Her beauty priceless.

Her gown flowing,
Marking her for royalty.
Hair softly blowing,
A vision of unreality.

Heading to a secret place,
Known only to him.
The sun as lace,
Light beginning to dim.

Tucked safe away,
She waits.
Watching the fading day,
She waits.

Startled by a sound,
She turns.
Beautiful eyes dancing around,
Perfect body burns.

Ready to give everything,
Body, soul, and mind.
Dreaming of anything,
Heart still innocent and kind.

Oh where is he?
Will he ever come?
Where could he be?
To her could he shun?

Light fades from the sky,
What should would give for it to hold on.
A crystal tear sliding from her eye,
Then the sun is gone.

She peers from the trees,
Hiding her existence.
Tears blurring what she sees,
Resisting her resistance.

He holds the keys,
To her secret heart.
The only one that really sees,
Nothing can keep the two apart.

Soft shoulders stoop,
Hope disappearing with the sun.
Head begins spinning in a loop,
Mind, body, and soul telling her it's done.

Sapphire eyes glitter with tears,
Lying herself down on the cool grass.
Thinking back through the memories of the years,
Closing eyes and surrendering all hope alas.

Awaken from a slumber with no dreams,
She turns ready to die.
He is there holding out his hand to her it seems,
Without thought she embraces him with a sigh.

PuZzLE

2009-03-13T21:29:00.000-07:00

Head, hands, feet,
Our body works together as one.
Logic, Emotion, Joy,
Every part fitting like a puzzle.

Saying we are only logic,
Is like saying we are just a hand.
A hand can't survive on it's own,
Logic is only a peace of the puzzle.

We say she is emo,
Is the head all we see?
Where are the eyes, legs and arms?
Just the head can't move alone.

The joy he has is his idinity,
We miss the mouth, toes, ears.
The puzzle is incomplete,
Without the little pieces.

We start at the four corners,
The obvious.
The foundation,
Of what the puzzle will be.

Sometimes we finish the border,
The outline.
The part that holds it together,
The outside of the creation.

Maybe we push a few layers in,
The unique.
We start to see a picture,
Coloring the art.

.........................................

Then we get busy,
Maybe even forget.
The puzzle laying,
Waiting to show off it's unique art.

Out of Your Own world

2009-02-21T23:38:00.000-08:00

Am I the only one left?
That knows not to put it there.
The only one with clean wrists?
The logic that over rides the emotion.

How much more can I take?!
Every week someone new.
What is the reason?!
Some bad and some good.

It's become more than a drug.
Now spreading like a new fad.
A mental disses.
An epidemic.

You think you're unique?
You assume this makes you different?
You're wrong.
You're just following the crowd.

I thought you wanted to stand apart?
Someone who shines for others?
You can't.
Everyone is falling in the same dark shadow.

You caught his eye,
Yes it is true.
But honestly what good will it do?
Because of this he will never date you.

You got a valentine,
She got a song.
She always has flowers ,
While the rest of us are left dry.

You're not loved now,
Because of this.
You were before,
For just being you.

Open your eyes a crack,
Look outside the world of you.
How it pains those around you,
Mom, Dad, Friends, Little sister, Me.

I know a better way,
Why can't you see?
This will never solve anything!
You're just making a mess!

You can never be you,
While you're under the blanket.
Never lead with a light,
Only with darkness and dispare.

One, Two, Ten, Thirty!
We're all around you fighting and ready to win!
We can't do it alone!
You have to help us out!

Put down the knife,
Pick up your sward!
Stand up for yourself,
For your life!

You know it will have to be done,
Why not now?
You have a whole life to live,
Yet you waist it away in missury.

Give it to God!
He will always love you!
Unlike your parents, friends, and boys!
You are precious to him!

LET HIM HELP!

S.A.D Day

2009-02-14T22:11:00.000-08:00

Singls
Awarness
Day
=
SAD DAY!

I HATE Valentines Day. Like really, mega, hate. Not only because I have never had a guy on that day (tho I'm sure that has something to do with it... ), but because it is just a stupid day where the poor guys are expected to do something special and unique for their girl. Honestly when I have a guy I want him to be able to think of that stuff on his own and not have to have a day to remind him... then again guys do need reminders. lol. I have just never liked the holiday and see it as a wast of time. Who knows I might feel different someday. But as of now I'm with all the people that just feel alone every year.

But this year was different. No I still don't have a guy. And yes that does kinda suck.

I worked all day and at work we gave out special Valentine treats to everyone. It was so much fun being able to see the look on their face and how it just made some peoples day worth being there even. I was in a not so good mood at 8:30 am until the energy drink kicked in... I got a little more happy and that rubbed off on the people around me and it was one of those domino effects... all the sudden I wasn't thinking about me any more, I was thinking about how I could make others day better. I tried to keep that mind set and it worked most of the day.

I got a Valentine from the sunshine of my life, Amanda, and it said at the top..... " A good leader is like a candle, it consumes it's self to light the way for others."

This is what I have done all my life, burned up so others might see better, While I have to learn where the boundries are I'm always happier when I can make others more happy by just the little things...

Something else, I spent last night with my best guy friends... we sat around and talked and it was amazing... I thought , ya know I wouldn't trade a single one of these guys for a boyfriend. It's not who we date when we are young it's the friends we have made. So why do we obses over it! Sigh! Who knows! lol

Well Happy V/ SAD Day!

Senselssly Alone

2009-01-24T22:26:00.000-08:00

As the tears fill my eyes,
Blurring what I thought I saw.
Looking around to see what is near,
But I see nothing.
Utterly Alone

Reaching for a hand,
Touching only misery.
Groping in the dark,
But I can't feel a thing.
Completely Alone

Listening for comforting footsteps,
Hearing only my own breathing.
Stretching to detect any sign of life,
Everything but silence is dead.
Disappointingly Alone

A whiff of roses floats past,
Only to be taking away in the same moment.
Breathing deep searching for a treat,
Only garbage is found.
Disgustingly Alone

A hint of honey,
To be replaced by onions.
Licking lips to find joy,
Just to be burned once again.
Hopelessly Alone

SENSELESSLY ALONE

Crystals

2009-01-24T22:18:00.001-08:00

It's great to finally meet cool people and write crazy Dr. Susse poems in five min!

Crystals
By Sarah (me) and Josh Peterson

Crystals are clear,
in all shapes and sizes,
their beauty unique
amazes our eyeses!

They can do many things,
they can be used as prizes.
They make people think
and grow even more wises.

(REGRET)

2009-01-24T21:58:00.000-08:00

Hiding in the dark,
With light all around.
People smiling, laughing, talking,
I can't cope with it now.

Beating myself up,
Tormenting voices in my head.
Pain Stuck,
Unable to move.

So sorry for all I have done,
Regretting for the first time.
Regret not for me,
For you.

I can live with anything,
As long as you're okay.
I'll live with it,
If even just barly.

I've been dying for a long time,
Now it is finished.
No way left to cope with pain,
At least none with logic.

A simple cut,
Maybe a drink.
A simple gag,
Maybe just a gun.

To make it all go away,
So I can simply just be.
I have nothing left,
Nothing to push foward with.

God, I have sacrficed all for you!
Don't you see that?
I try to see the blessings,
But do you see the pain?

God! I need you,
To hold me.
Take my pain,
All of it I give to you.

So I can live my life,
I give it to you.
To keep and hold,
To put together when broken.

IT'S YOURS!

The best mom ever

2008-12-30T19:04:00.000-08:00

Ya that's right! My mom is the best! What other mom do you know that will spend hours reading books about cutting and eating disorders just to protect me from the things I have struggled with? So fully comitted to helping me do what I know God has called me to. I wish everyone had a mom like me! I can't wait to share my speeches with you when this season is over!

YOU'RE THE BEST MOM..... I know I know back to working on my OO. ;-)

Die

2008-12-07T22:02:00.000-08:00

Just shoot me now,
I would rather be dead.
Than this useless life,
No direction, point, or porpos.
Just lift the gun,
Pull the trigger at my head.

Grinding my teeth hard,
Pushing through strong.
I'm just so dead already,
What's the point of living a dead life?
Doing my best with a smile,
One can only push so long.

Depression sinks in,
Everything loosing light.
done now with this life,
Can't I trade for a new one?
Being dead would do,
Then Jesus would always be in sight.

Full of second guessing and questions,
Head swimming to no shore.
What's the point,
When life is one big blur?
Stumbling through the tears,
Twards a nonexistand bend.

Nothing will change,
I'll just continue to sink.
No relif will come,
Noone, nothing can take the pain away.
Soon all the light will be gone,
I'll just run in the dark empty cloud.

Someday this life will consume me,
Dead. in body or spirit I don't' know.
But when it does I'll be ready,
To let go.
Be done forever and ever,
Peacefully asleep.

LUST

2008-12-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

I finally got in in my head.
It's not love, wonder or aw,
Lust is what it is, for the tings in bed.
Always turning from what I knew I saw.

Waning there to be more,
Not just me but you too.
To all the wide open door.
Have it finally just be me and you.

Looking back now I see,
Every touch and every feel,
That's what did it to me.
The things that really seeled the deal.

You know me better than most.
Holding the key,
Many people, a large host,
They think they know me, they think they see.

You really do ,
See me for who I am.
It wasn't enough to reach the lines I drew.
Not strong enough to breach the dam.

I just have to remind me,
What I have known for many a year,
It's just not ment to be.
It stops now, this moment, here.

Stopping here and now,
Never to begin again.
Some way...some how,
THIS is the END.

Cinderella

2008-11-15T23:13:00.000-08:00

Every time I look around me what do I see?
People haply ever after,
At least for a month or two.

But every tine I look I can't see you.
Who are you?
The person I will love.

Do I know you now or do I have to wait?
For my own happy parade to finally start.
To feel your arms around me.

I know it won't be perfect all the time,
It can't be.
But when it is true we will make it just fine.

I need you here now.
The ups and downs of life are slowly killing me.
Where is your comforting hug?

How do you think I can stand now?
Now when everything is falling,
Without your strong arm to cling to Ill sink.

I don't mean to complain,
There are good times too,
Like laughing over fruit juice and singing kids songs.

I want to share them with you too.
The good, crazy, wiled, random side.
You probably won't get but you'll smile anyways.

I'm told I'm unique,
Different in so many ways.
A hard personality to fit.

I'm a colorful person,
Who you can't put a color to.
Can you handle that?

So different from anyone else,
I think it scares all the guys,
Don't tell but it scares even me.

God had to make you really special.
So strong and brave,
But sweet and gentle too.

I can't wait to find you!
To finally stop guessing.
For once just to know!

Who are you?
I wish God would just let me know,
Stop all this guessing and waiting.

I need my prince,
Just like everyone else.
It's Cinderella in reverse.

Death

2008-11-10T19:40:00.000-08:00

We are done living.
We say we are dead.
What is death?

I supose it depends what we believe.
Where we will go.
What we will find.

An empty void,
With no emotion or pain.
A state of nothingness.

A burning pit of fire,
Feeling pain for eternity.
Living death as hell.

Perlly gates and golden streets,
Forever in the arms of our creator.
Resting forever on a heavenly cloud.

Death as a good escape?
Death to feel nothing but pain?
Death to bring peace?

Life problems gone forever,
No need to remember to breath.

The heavy cloud gone,
Along with the sun.

Relaxed forever,
Peaceful sleep on heavenly clouds.

Learning to Love Life

2008-10-18T15:34:00.000-07:00

Every star in the sky...
is special.
Every cloud against the blue...
is unique.

Opening eyes to life.

Every blade of grass...
is creative.
Every flower on the path...
is paint.

Learning to find the gifts in life.

Every bright color...
is vibrant.
Every small sound...
is astonishing.

Learning to listen to life.

Every wisp of breeze...
is restful.
Every ray of sun...
is exhilarating.

Learning to drink in life.

Every friends hug...
is healing.
Every stupid joke...
is refreshing.

Learning to live in the arms of life.

Every new and old tear...
is significant.
Every cool rain drop...
is cleansing.

Learning to let go of life.

Every cute shoe...
is exciting.
Every free gift...
is fulfilling.

Learning to accept life.

Every dance in the sunny rain...
is eliminating.
Every helping hand...
is promising.

Learning to BE life!

My Life is Like the Flowers on My Dashboard

2008-10-17T21:54:00.000-07:00

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
So young and full of color,
Yet color slowly slips away.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Vibrant and full of meaning,
With life slowly draining.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Almost feeling the breath that refreshment would bring,
Yet like the flower unable to touch past the glass that separates.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Once holding the sweet scent,
Now reeking for all to smell.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Droplets of healing just inches away,
Unable to break the bubble of separation.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Life saving refreshment in view,
Yet unable to quench the thirst.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Once in a huge field,
Now unable to belong.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Before, Soft and beautiful,
Now crumbling at their feet.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Once cherished,
Now begging to be tossed out of the way.

My Life is like the flowers on my dashboard.
Seemingly Pale and Dead,
Somehow still a beautiful work of art.

Yes it's all Your Fault!

2008-09-27T00:57:00.000-07:00

You are the reason,
The way I am,
What I'm going through.
Yes it's all your fault!

I could never say it before,
Couldn't not be be ok,
Because of you.
Yes it's all your fault!

I held it all in,
Let it tare me to peaces,
Shred my heart.
Yes it's all your fault!

Stepping into a horror film,
All alone,
With out you by my side.
Yes it's all your fault!

Putting on a face,
The smile,
Showing everything is ok.
Yes it's all your fault!

No knowing where to turn,
Lost in the Amazon of life,
Unable to see past the trees....

Guess what?!
That too, is all your fault!

Do you want to know why?
Why I torcher myself?

For you, I did it for you.

To spare your pain,
The pain of my pain,
The pain of guilt.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you are so amazing,
Sweet and gentle,
Softer than most see.
For you, I did it for you.

I love you,
For who YOU REALLY are,
Your amazingness.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you are more important,
Than how I feel,
Weather or not I'm breathing.
For you, I did it for you.

Because you were always there,
When I had no one,
You showed up.
For you, I did it for you.

I could talk to you,
You changed the way I saw things,
Changed my life.
For you, I did it for you.

Guess what?!
I still love you as my pall...

So I pray to support you,
For clarity when your lost,
Confidence in YOU.
I DO it for you.

I don't hate you,
I hate that I'm just another girl,
You are a BEST friend for life.
For you, I Do it for you.

Guys, Love, Life, Beauty

2008-09-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

So for the past few months I have been really trying to get used to not having a guy there all the time saying I'm beautiful and that he misses me and always asking if we can do something or talk.

This has been something I have struggled with a lot. Now I don't think that not having a guy right now is a bad thing, what happened happened. God knew what he was doing and it really is for the best and I'm mostly glad I don't have a boyfriend right now. But it has still been hard.

For the past few years I have seen my self climing to the top of a steep rocky clif where at the top I finally will find "self actualization" (as Meg Cabbot would say), my self confidence, the real me. I have been slowly climbing... a few times a long the way God has given me some nice "foot holds" and "hand holds" to push me up, colser to that goal. Sometimes those hand holds I don't see as helping, it makes me feel stuck until I can figure out what to do.

Two summers ago is when I really found out who SARAH was. I went to a church camp (see the beginning of my whole blog) with out knowing ANYONE except Benny and Niki... my youth pasters. So I had to figure out how I wanted people to see me and how I could act without just following my friends examples.

Jumping into a publicschool enviorment as a freshman and having to hold tight to all I beleive and have been taught while learning what I could and not having people just hate me... that tought me so much! Sometimes it was hell, but I wouldn't trade what I learned for anything.

Last year I spent the school year without the person that I followed around... I actually had to ask other people to go to lunch with me! Quiet Sarah? This was a new thing for me and the new/old people I hang out with.

I re-made some really great friends that year,,, only to be left behind once again... (tho not compleetly this time :) love you guys!) And have my body decide it's time to be normal and gain some weight,,, and have my face breaking out like none other,,, and finding this thing called emotion.

This summer I (even though I really knew I was being unrealistic) hoped that as I reached the top of that clif I wouldn't be standing alown, I had a friend that was there... to re-afferm what I had been learning, that I was ME and I was AMAZING just as I was.

But once again that all crummbled, and up until today I felt like I was loosing myself again and I was so insicure and desprate for someone to want me. Little did I know it was just another foot hold to boost me higher twards the top.

Today was a really bad day... but one of the most beautiful I have had in a long time.

I got up way to early to go to math... which I HATE btw... So I was sitting there doing my hair and I saw the verse on my mirror that says, " Behold the BEAUTY of the Lord!" I have had that up there for like 4 years now... But today it hit me, God made me... crappy achie and all... and He thinks I'm beautiful. I don't always have to have a guy sitting there telling me, because I KNOW it's true.

I was doing my make up thinking... yes I'm beautiful and God loves me but some how it was a little weird... like my heart was full of love but I didn't feel like it was dangrous, my heart was MINE and I'm going to have to learn how to protect it... until I find that one guy that can share it with my God. I came to this conclussion when a song came on Klove (don't laugh that's what my dad had it on while he was using my radio so I just left it. )... Really all I remember of the song is part of the choris saying, "My heart is spoken for!". 1. Some young lad out there will some day have my whole heart... it already blongs to him even though I have no clue who he is... He is the only one that get's it.... 2. God has my heart. It has always been and always will be his. He spoke for it, clamied it before I was even born! That just makes me so HAPPY!

So my little brother, Seth has been away all week end at a hockey thing and I acutally missed him! lol Then.... he came home... and loves to drive me crazy! lol but today when I was laying there with my head pounding... not only did he bring me lovely drugs, but he just looks at me and says, " You look cute." If anyone knows my brother you know that he could care less! I ask him how I look before a dance and he says fine or nice or something. So I was like wow where did that come from!? and he just said that he thought I needed a little ego booster, shrugged and walked off. WOW. wether or not he knows it that was like the iceing on the cake... God really wanted me to see that today.

Oh and then when I got to Gym my coach told me about something that might help with my face! Pray it does and I can do it!

So ya I hope this very long little thing no matter what is going on in life who you are, who your friends are, how you look, how you feel, God is there and really he will show you who you are and what you need to do... even though I don't think God ever stops changing us we are who we are and that's who God made us.

XOXO

OLD! GUYS I'M OLD!

2008-09-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

Thursday night when I was 13....
"Mom I'm not sure what to wear tomorrow... and I need to figure it out so I can do my nails before bed... and I don't know how to do my hair tomorrow.... I could just do it boring or I could get up at four thirty to do it all cool... I NEED HELP MOM!"

Tonight at 17....
" What the heck am I thinking?"
"Telling coach that I can't make all the pratices' even meets cuz I'm getting behind in school... I'm going to turn into one of THOSE girls that thinks that they can get away with anything,,, dang I don't want to be that way and have people see me that way."
"Why on earth am I sitting here I HAVE to get my math done, I'm a week behind!"
" I don't know how I'm going to get by with this pay check for two freakn weeks cuz of debate camp."
"So weird to ask coach what is wrong wiht my legs..and her just to look at me and say 'It sucks getting old'. Man... "
"What am I going to do... I SOOOO want to go to collage with Jen and Ash and Esther... but What do I want to do with the rest of my young life, am I strong enough to listin to peoples crap all day every day..."
"My last play and I will never get to be the last one to take a bow... the one all the little kids want pictures with... after ten years.. my last chance is gone... oh well... I'm so proud of my friends."
"ZITS SUCK!"
"Why isn't God stepping in, in all my friends life? I try to give all I have,,, it never seems enough."
" I think I'm finally getting torne down enough and not getting the reconition I work so hard for that maybe I will be able to let God get the crettet... tho I will never be at the center. Can I accept that?"
"I wish I had a guy there to tell me he misses me and that he can't wate to see me and tell me I'm beautiful,,,, why do I miss that so much it's so stupid. "

PEOPLE I'M GOING CRAZY!!!! THAT'S JUST PART... VERY SMALL PART OF MY LIFE... I AM SO DONE!! PLEASE PRAY FOR ME!!!!!
LOVE YOU ALL!

DOGS!

2008-08-21T23:10:00.000-07:00

So around this time last year I posted that my life flashed before my eyes.... and guess what it happened again!

I was going to chemistry (and I'm allllll done now! yay! ) and as i pulled up these three dogs were around my car like wating for me to get out...

now first I have always had nightmares about dogs chasing me... part of the reason I'm up this late...I don't want to sleep. lol

so I'm sitting there thinking maybe I shouldn't get out of the car... but then I'm like "your so being stupid sarah!" so I got out of the car and got my books and everything then started to SLOWLY walk across the street to my teachers house... and they kinda start barking and growling a little... so I kinda started to talk nicely to them (like that would help) and kept walking slowly... then one of them took a step twards me and so I started to back up... then they charged me! so I throw my books at the one nearest me ( I think he was like the leader or something) and hit him in the face and ran behind my car but I had already locked it! so I kept running (and screeming... that was kinda funny) twards the house.... and these dogs were like right on my heals... like biting my pants... they didn't get me though... so I'm running like a crazy woman and my teacher comes out... like 6 months pregnet and starts like charging them with a bat...and I run inside. lol so I'm alive! and the animal control people came I'm pretty sure cuz the neighber (who saw) and my teacher had called them.

So ya I was thinking two things.... 1. here goes my senior gymnastics season... I can't tumble without a calf mucle! and 2. I can't work if I can't walk!
so ya... if you look I think you can relate my teacher to God... and me to... well me... honestly God might just have told me that he is fighting for me because I'm done... even though I can't feel or see him... he is fighting for ME. wow.

So I was reading back on my other blog and that last poem I posted (smile) this was a coment that was left by one of my bestest friends Jen,,,, I think it fits here too...

I wish I could understand your pain better... I wish I could tell you what God's up to with your life... I wish that I could take away the ache in your heart...

You've gotta be tired - you're a warrior of the heavens. The battle's been raging, the scars adding up. I know the sword feels heavy, but God WILL help you lift it once more. Keep on fighting, warrior princess. Keep on fighting - don't let this overcome you. He will give you rest... He will reveal His plan, and it will all make sense... but He works in ways we don't understand - His ways are not our ways.

It IS okay to be angry with God. He wants your honesty. It's okay to tell Him it's about ****** time to show up. Really, it is... if that's what you're feeling. If you start telling Him, He can start working with you.

I don't know if any of this helps... I don't know if anything will right now... keep your head up, Lizzy... you don't have to be strong... HE IS! Rest in the arms of your Abba Father.

I love you.

Smile

2008-08-17T12:39:00.000-07:00

Once again I can put on a smile,
Proudly covering it for a while.
Years of work undone,
Back past where it begun.

Nothing is what it used to be,
Not even how I see.
Colors dissapre.,
More and more with every unshed tear.

One little word... HOPE,
Some how always helped me cope.
The word that used to keep me strong,
It's not working... It's gone.

Hope stood up and left,
Or maybe it's theft.
The devil grabbing and stealing,
Any chance I have of healing.

Completely a lone,
What is he doing up on His mighty throne?
Maybe shedding a tear or two,
Like there's nothing He can do!

Friends falling apart,
For once I don't know where to start.
They all say I'm outside the norm,
No idea that behind the smile rages a storm.

Stomic always in knots,
In my head hearing shots.
Eyes aching,
Heart breaking.

Life as a whole,
Is out of my control.
I don't know what to do,
There's no one to hand it to.

Exhausted to no extent,
Every last reserve spent.
Into bed I'm falling,
That's when thoughts come calling.

Friends, Family and their things,
My life, hopes, prayers, wishes, and dreams.
I just wish I knew,
How things will turn out... what good the pain will do.

Shaking it off I put on my mask,
Plaster on a smile and focused on the task.
Laughing, flirting, acting all happy,
So no one will ask and get all sappy.

It drives me crazy,
When I work so hard and others are lazy.
Behind the smile I'm dying,
Yet they're the ones getting hugs and crying.

What will it take for people to see,
Who I am and all that I can be.
Maybe it's my fault for not letting them in,
Could it be I just don't know where to begin.

They all say I'm different some how,
Untouched by the emotion of the here and now.
What they say is true,
I easily blow out a candle and all the emotion too.

Is that the way I want my life to go?
No it's not... But not yet ready to let the emotion show.
My stupid emotion could tear people apart,
I'll just sit and let it burn up my heart.

So for now I'll put on my mask and give a show,
From place to place some how I'll keep my glow.
Praying for God to heal hearts,
To give peace and not pull apart.

Some day He'll revile His plan,
Answers pouring from the open dam.
Until then I'll put on a smile,
Proudly covering it for a while.

The Track

2008-07-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

Every time I think I'm done it's back,
As if I was running on a track.
Far away I think I'm done,
Looking up only to see that I have more to run.

Wanting to jump the circle... round and round,
Yet there is something keeping me bound.
Begging till I'm emotionally dead,
God why can't I cut the thread!?

Whatever it is in which I'm stuck,
The place where I'm out of luck.
Not knowing wheat I'm supposed to learn,
Where emotions and pain sear and burn.

Memories everywhere I go,
Ice cream, stores, or a show.
Each flash back stabbing and hurting,
Pulling me back to when life was about enjoying.

Back to where I started,
To that night we parted.
Tears streaming,
Each one full of meaning.

Not sure what to do with emotion,
Easy just to shut it in a tin.
Binding it tight so no one sees my need,
Holding the wound so no one can see it bleed.

This is where I am,
No longer telling you I can.
No longer in a circle, but straight in line I'll go,
Some day, even to me the pain will no longer show.

May that day come fast,
And for a long while last.
Filling me from above,
With hope and love.

Numb

2008-07-29T18:24:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by color,
Blind.
Vibranceness overwhelming,
Blind.

Music floating through life,
Deaf.
Tapping, whistling, strumming,
Deaf.

Soft velvet to the finger tips,
Nothing.
Puppy slobber on the face,
Nothing.

Fresh apple pie and rain,
Scentless.
Sweet roses and sexy cologne,
Scentless.

Mac and cheese,
Tasteless.
Mint chocolate chip ice cream,
Tasteless.

Laughter and smiles,
Numb.
Hugs and tears,
Numb.

AIR MASK!

2008-07-21T20:24:00.000-07:00

"If needed the oxygen masks will drop above the seat in front of you. Please place it completely over your mouth and nose. Do not proceed to help those around you until it is tightly on and you are breathing normally. "

So I was 9 I think and I went to Hawaii and when the video on the airplane said that I was stunned! Why would I give myself air before my little brothers could breath? They needed me to be there for them, to save them. Wouldn't it be selfish to save myself first? I would much rather die than to have my little brothers taken from me.

And then there is that verse in the Bible where Jesus talks about taking the plank out of your eye before removing if from your friends. Dude if me and hannah banana were both in pain with wood in our eyes and I could help her and be in pain just a little longer to to help her feel better faster... I would! Sounded to me like Jesus was pretty selfish!

But over the past few years I have been doing a lot of travlling and flying and I listened to that safety thing over and over..... adn I finally got it. If I was fainting for lack of air then I wouln't be able to help the people around me. But if I could breath and they passed out I knew I could still help them, but that's only because I was stable.

And that Bible verse... well if I couldn't see out of one of my eyes and tried to help Hannah... dude I could poke out Her eye and make everything worse because I couldn't see what I was doing!

I have to stop and think sometimes... I have had a reallllllllly hard past few weeks... sorry I haven't blogged in a while... Normally when life falls apart I look at others and try to fix their problems... don't get me wrong I love helping people! LOVE IT. But when I'm all messed up and trying to figure my life out I can't help the people around me in a healthy way for either of us.

It's been almost a month of being depressed and hurting... but I have learned to not answer a text, phone call, email. When I do get these crys for help then I can just tell then I love them and send up a prayer and let it be in Gods hands. Sometimes when I'm really worried about something I have to walk to the throne of God and lay that person and their stuff down and walk away. Because... news flash....

I CAN'T FIX EVERYTHING!

But GOD can.

When I figured this out and then could go crying to my best friends then I can really start to breath again... all the crap is still there but it's not ONLY on my sholders. I have friends and God.

Heroes

2008-07-02T22:53:00.000-07:00

My Heroes would be Carly Patterson... 2004 all around gold gymnast. Ya'll are going to laugh but Hillary Duff... because she is almost as big of a star as a lot of people but she isn't a slut, doesn't cuss, or anything like that she is a good roll model for all the younger girls. And ya my parents...My Dad is one of the strongest most faith filled people I know, he listens to God and follows with out question. My Mom is like my best friend... always there to listen and tell me how smart, stupid, logical, emotional, strong, or just weird I'm being. The arms that hold me when I cry, the soft voice that sings and prays me to sleep.
My little brother... he is 15 but will always be the little boy that I gave the blue bunny to the day he was born... except now he is tall and toned and... well a brat! I wouldn't have it any other way... he is my phycolagest and joker all in one... the shoulder to cry on even if it's stupid girl things... the one that's saying it's ok to sit and cry and eat ice cream and watch stupid movies, and some times he'll even sit there with me. That's a true best friend.
Hannah Banana, Ashley, Jennie, Esther, Josiah, Angela... They have all been there through everything... even if I push them away. They are all so influential and have really worn proudly the clothes of leader. They all have dreams... some change daily... but the fact that they follow God with all their hearts is more heroic than anything I can think of.
But really Miss Maggie is amazing!!! If you know her at all I'm sure you agree! She is sooo amazing and so is her husband and boys. Jeff even though I am like way younger and I know can be that annoying little sister sometimes has always been there to listen and laugh at and with me. He has also trusted me with things in his life... it takes a strong person to do that. Zack not only is he one of the most amazing song writers and singers ever but he is someone who will stand and fight when everyone else has given up. He is the person who has pulled me though so much that I don't think anyone else could. He lets me ramble and then rambles right back (if you get him in the right mood ;] ). He is strong and always wanting to push through and be better.

They have ALL always been there and are people I would say are heroes.

Trapped

2008-07-01T08:42:00.000-07:00

Swrelling around in my head.
needles poking, nails driving.
Knife of sorrow to the heart.

Confusion billowing.
searching for truth.
Begging for joy.

Lost in the cloud.
Drowning in uncertainties.
Sinking to hopelessness.

Fighting against nourishment.
Wishing for the ideal.
Always wanting... never satisfied.

Love here, gone, then back again.
Soft surrounding security.
Two languages to speak.

Iron wall like a damn.
Punching, yet not a dent.
Trapped by the one with the key.

Emptiness is all that's felt.
Loud silence is all that's heard.
Darkness is all that's seen.

Annoying buzz.
Chilling breeze.
Space is the only thing near.

Beams of joyful hope.
A day, a night, a moment.
Covered by storm clouds.

No way to let go.
No way to move on.
No way to get out.

Stuck.
Unmoving.
Trapped.

Prince Caspian

2008-06-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

My mom has been reading Prince Caspian by C.S. Lewis (amazing books!) to my little brothers... yes anytime I hear her reading I go curle up (with my phone for texting of course;D ) and listen. Now I know the Narnia stories in side and out..... but I haven't had time recently to read them again.

So since I'm a good bit older than I was last time I'm starting to catch some of the spiritual metaphors that I wasn't seeing when I was younger.

One of the things I finally understood that always confused me before was when Lucy finally saw Aslan the lion again she comments that he has grown. Now this didn't make since to me.... When we grow things tend to look smaller.... But Aslan said to her, "Every year you get older I get bigger". Now think about this.... Every year older we get the more we need God to be bigger.... and he is. As our problems grow so does our understanding of him.

I know that often I look at my problems and say it's to big for God to handle and there is no way I can fix it.... thus leaving me completely hopeless. But when I heard that I thought back over the past few years.... heck the past few weeks. When I have felt that I couldn't do anything about stuff.... and I see that God has showed me more and more of his power. When we grow so does God..... well he doesn't really grow but we see more of him.

I just thought that was really cool :)

Am I Sounding Selfish?... ya human! but ya! it's My Turn!

2008-06-03T17:37:00.000-07:00

For the last 5 or 6 years of my life I felt that it would never be my turn.

It would never be my turn to be in charge
It would never by my turn to have people copy the way I dress
It would never be my turn to have people follow my example
It would never be my turn to be up on stage as much or more than my "smart friends"
It would never be my turn to have the boyfriend that every other girl wanted

When I teacher would leave the room for five min they would always ask Jen or Ash to be in charge.... When ever a protect was needing done someone else would always be in charge of seeing that it got done the right way.
Now I'm the one that is in charge when the teacher isn't there, I'm the one that is helping make sure the yearbook is done the right way.

All my life whatever Lindsey and Jennie would wear that's what I begged my mom to buy. Bell bottoms, t-shirts with funny sayings, pretty clips, black high hill boots, hoddies, dresses, skirts, EVERYTHING!
Now I'm not only putting on whatever I feel like I often times see others picking up on what I'm doing........ now I'm deffintally encouraging any one reading this to have their own style! Don't copy any one just because you see them as "cool". Be unique. Be who God made YOU to be.
I'm just saying that the drastic change from 4 years ago and now... is very cool.

Whatever my friends did I wanted to do too. I would follow them with out a second thought some times. Play the games, watch the movies, do the bible study, be in the play, learn some music.
Now I'm holding that influence with many of the younger students in the school and anyone else around me, what if they are following me without a second thought? I just hope that I can be a good influence in someones life... even if in a small way.

Josh, Jeff, Jennie, Lindsey, Ashley, and a lot others ALWAYS are getting publicly recognized for one thing or another.... Getting their name called up on stage all the time... yes I have to say i have been a little jealous... I do behind the scenes stuff... and they were the ones on stage getting all the awards. This last share fair... I got 13 awards..... and I could be wrong but i think that's more than anyone else! Yes pride I know, but I think it was finally my time!

Yes.... I have a boyfriend. Let me just say that the second he broke up with his girlfriend of like 5 years about a year ago.... like every girl I know was all over him. Yes I liked him to but the timing didn't work. I have sat back and seen my friends go through guys and being left behind.... but now I have the most awesome guy.... and I do feel kinda bad that some of my friends happen to have a crush on him.... but hey who can blame them! So ya!

So I guess the point of this blog is just to say to everyone out there that feels like they will never be on top, never get the spot light, have the perfect boyfriend, be put in charge, or have people follow you... THERE IS HOPE! Just give it time.... God knows what he is doing.... But when you finally get a chance to be on top.... weather it is tomorrow or in 30 years..... God will use it and don't be afraid to enjoy it.

So ya!

Dec. 10, 2007 (Church Shootings)

2008-06-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

December 10, 2007
There was a set of shootings that happened in churches in the US. It was a terrible event for everyone that heard about it and for those who were there it changed their lives... some even lost it. There is one thing that hit me the hardest, the parents of one of the teens that was shot and died came forward on national TV and said to the parents of the kid that had killed their child, We forgive him and hold nothing against you. The two sets of parents even morned their children together.

We look at this beautiful, amazing scene and it makes me think... Where was that love and forgiveness when this young man was hurting badly enough to want to kill Christians?

This is a quote I wrote down from a blog of the shooter I think the morning of the shootings.
" I'm gona teach you all a lesson, us outcasts have to take a stand."

There are many things that could have been happening in his life... I didn't know this young man, his family, friends, or church group, but it made me wonder that day as I watched the news, what would happen if we took a second and tried to see past the person and look at all the anger and hurt that is built up in the people around us.... What might God use us for if we are willing to do that?
So I wrote this poem...

I don't understand!
Why do we push them away?
Just because they are different.
They are people too.

All we need is understanding and love.
Why is that so hard?
We could save many lives,
Maybe even our own.

My heard breaks to think,
What pain would drive some one to destroy.
Could lives be saved by a simple hug?
What could we do by stepping up?

Show us how to LOVE.
Teach us how to FORGIVE.
Poor out your HOPE.
Help us extend the hand of GRACE.

What can you do through us Lord?
My tears are nothing to theirs.
My love is nothing to yours.
Show us the balance.

SHOW US HOW TO LOVE.

Jennie & Ashley

2008-05-22T13:23:00.000-07:00

This picture has to be like 2-3 years old or something!
This is Jennie. I have known her for like 13 years... She is graduating this year... she is my big sister... She is my role model... She is beautiful inside out... I love her to death!!!

When I was little people used to think that Jennie and I were sisters.... we loved fooling people and laughing about it... but we are both crapy lairs because we would burst out laughing. We were both short and believe it or not I was WAY shorter than she was till I was about 14. Our hair was the same color...that no one else had! we called it Harvest... lol and at one point it matched the gold lettering on the Bible. Our hair changed colors at the same times through out the years.... till a couple years ago when we both decided to dye our hair random colors at random times!
I used to spend days at their house with sleepover and birthday parties... it was a happy place for me! We were in a dance class together and because my parents were working some I would go to their house either the night before or the morning of our dance recitles. We would do school all day sitting at their kitchen table and drinking hot chocolate :) Then we would have mac and cheese (the box stuff!!) and watch I love Lucy.

There are tones of memories that I could go on on on on and on about but to sum it up this year Jen and I (because of our mothers) neither ones had a second hour class at school, so we went and got some starbucks when ever we got the chance.... We got much closer... Jen is just one of those people that you can open up to. She doesn't just focus on her problems she asks for help and someone to listen then turns around and asks you how you are. Do you have any idea how rare that is in my life! lol After about the second time talking over coffee we both felt like God was saying that we needed to keep each other accountable. Now we both have one more person that truly understands. Jennie is one of the smartest 18 year old girls I know! She loves God with all her heart and it shines from the inside.

This year... June 7, 2008 is going to be a really hard day for me. I'm turning 17 that day.... that's good cuz then I can drive whoever I want! lol But it is really hard because some of my best friends are going to be graduating that day. There are 2 people that I'm having a really hard time letting go of, Jennie and Ashley. Weather or not we have talked over the years we have always been "best friends". They are both almost two years older than I am so I have looked up to them and followed what they did. Although, once they got into high school it was harder... I wasn't ready to grow up that fast. Then guys came into the picture and we just weren't as close. But through all that time we could always go to each other and get a hug during a bad day. We knew we would always be there for each other even if we didn't really hang out or talk for weeks at a time. This past year some of the drama at school cooled down and we became better friends again as well as "leaders of the school" as Miss Maggie would put it. :o)

....Now I hate the phone and talking on it.. idk why... but I have spent some time talking to both of them when we were going through hard times. Yes hours on the phone.... or even just a text checking up on each other. weather or not they know, I could not have made it out of my depression last year with out their help. I'm about ready to cry just thinking about my last year with out them. But I know that if I'm about ready to die they will only be a phone call or a 10 min drive away... even if they are going to go get brilliant at collage with out me. They will always be there and I love them forever.

When I was little I used to ask God to give me a sister... and now that I'm older I know that 1. I would like shoot another girl in the house.... and 2. I already had them. Ash and Jen. They have been the best older sisters anyone could ask for and God knew just what he was doing when he gave me those sisters. So today about 2 weeks before graduation I just wanted to put down some of the cool things... and just share my relationship with them... so if you are a compleetly blind stupid person that can't see... or just don't know them, you can get a glimpse of what amazing women these are.

This is Ashley. Us being stupid at prom this year dancing (not for the last time) to our "love song".
I have known her for about 13 years. She is graduating this year. She is my special red head. She is my encourager. She is my sister.

Wow Ashley dear. Yes my little red head. This year Ash did a speech on red heads, it was very smart and did well in competition. The last point in her speech was about the stario types we place on red heads. At one point she says that her friends used to tease her and just wait to see how mad she would get..... Man was this true!!!!!
When I was little every time Ash came over I would ask if I could braid her hair and we could watch Anne of Green Gables.... The classic red head story... She would get so mad at me and I would laugh.... Though looking back... I WAS A BRAT! But she learned to love her hair as much as the rest of us. Part of that I think is that when we would go every Friday for swim lessons we would play mermaids... guess who always got to be Ariel... Ashie Pooh (yes I'm like the only person that can call her that ;D )

We would stay up for hours playing the game MASH-O to see who we would marry. Ashley however was the most sinceable of us all saying that we were too young and needed to live life before we got married.... she said this at the age of 8. lol She was always the tom-boy right along side of me, always willing to play in the mud or water when other girls would sit back and not get their pink flower skirts dirty. I could go on and on about when we were young.... but that's not what you need to know about her.

Though we didn't really know how to relate over the past few years we always were feeling the same things at the same time and yet would never talk about it. We were the tough girls in bible study, the ones who never cried, who never broke down with deep dark secrets. But this past year the understanding of each other finally made us both feel safe to share emotion with the other everything from school to parents to clothes to friends to boys.... yes the anti MASH girl has found her spot for guys! Together we have discovered that it's kinda nice to let the guys lift stuff, open doors, and just be there to protect... even though when the guys aren't around (or if they are just being lazy... ;P) we are still the ones to pick up the slack and do it our selves. This is a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a friend to hug. At the last dance we went to they played the seniors song for graduation.... after Ash and I danced to it we just hugged.... like I was about ready to cry!
One last story... She and I went to the mall to get a birthday present for some one and we went there and got what we wanted.... then we were done.... nothing to do... and it had been about ten min. Ashley dear and I don't do shopping to well.... Just not one of those things... but neither of us wanted to go home.... we thought we would walk around for a few min... next thing we knew we had been there for four hours! Trying on stupid clothes and talking about boys! amazing I know!
She is my sister and my support system. I love her!

PROM FULLNESS (from my mom's blog cuz I'm lazy like that!)

2008-05-21T16:07:00.000-07:00

Those gorgeous kiddos are my oldest children, all dressed up for Seth's first prom. In so many ways it was a milestone for them and I'm enjoying the memories:

Seth's willingness to wear a suit--it was the first time since he was about four that he didn't whine about tucking in his shirt. He and I picked the suit out, and he paid for most of it himself. He also escorted a young woman to prom and insisted on paying for everything, though they were going as friends, not as a "date." Seth stepped out of his shyness and determined to show the girl a good time, even though it meant doing things he thought he didn't like--like dancing. I was proud of his determination to put her needs before his comfort zone and the selfless way he spent his own money on her tickets, corsage, and pictures, though it meant giving up several weeks pay. I also loved the way his character, wisdom, and self-confidence showed. He knew a lot of guys would rent tuxes, but told me that he thought it was silly to spend that much on something he'd only wear once. He chose instead to invest in his future by buying a nice suit that he could wear again. He found a beautiful, name-brand suit at a wonderful price and picked a red tie to match the girl's dress. His logic and frugality reminded me of his dad, and I was proud of him.

Sarah's delight in the whole thing--it was the first time she had an escort to the prom who wasn't related to her. (Her sweet daddy took her the first year.) Her escort was a true gentleman. Though they had chosen to go to the prom as friends, he wouldn't hear of going dutch and instead generously bought Sarah's prom ticket and a beautiful corsage, as well as paying for their transportation in a chartered vehicle. It was Sarah's first taste of this world, and the young man did it up right, making her feel like a princess. She proudly wore the dress she and her dad picked out at a fund raiser for the Children's Hospital. People from all over the metro area donated prom dresses--over 2,000 of them--and sold them to high schoolers for prom. I had planned to take Sarah to shop, but was sick that day. It turned out to be a special time for Sarah and her dad, and both of them came home glowing. Sarah found a beautiful dress at a more than reasonable price and had the satisfaction of putting her money toward a worthy cause.

The joy of feeling good about the event--the prom was sponsored by our homeschool group, well supervised, and beautifully presented. The kids ate a top-notch catered meal, white tablecloths not withheld, enjoyed a night of dancing (under the careful eyes of parents who insisted upon proper space between partners during slow dances), and then had fun and games at an after prom party. A friend and I talked about how this event differed from the proms of our public high school days, when many of the teens spent their prom nights chasing after less wholesome activities. I felt intense gratitude to the umbrella school and the parent volunteers who did what they could to offer my children such a delightful experience, and to give me peace of mind. I didn't worry about them a single minute, just watched them shine and beamed along with them.

Girls, Guys, and Gas Money!

2008-05-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

Wow crazy week!
Ok so I grew up with only brothers... and these are some things I thought about guys.

1. All guys love and play sports
2. It's sexy when a girl is stronger than all the guys
3. Hard core chicks are the coolest
4. Acting like a girl drives all the guys crazy

Over the past few weeks I would like to first thank Miss Maggie. She forced me into skirts and "pretty" shirts and curly hair for speech... I hated every min of it, but it turned out for the best in the end... just don't let her know ;)
Then Zack and Josiah. I don't know if Miss Maggie put them up to it or what, but every time I curled my hair, put on heels, a skirt, or girlie earrings... And was totally hating it, they would just simply tell me that it looked good. (btw two of my best friends... neither one plays sports!)
Caleb and Seth dears: Whenever I did something stupid and girlie at work or tried to lift something heavy they were just telling me it was ok. They laughed and enjoyed seeing me act like a girl and they really enjoyed lifting stuff for me.
Lovely Amber. This young lady is sooo a teenage girl! I love her for it! She responds by giggling and squeeking when the guys do something stupid. I love watching that... because the guys love it!! Who would have thunk it?

Those are just a few of the people that have helped me (+ my mommy :D )
But look at that list..... guess what?!!? I'S OK FOR ME TO BE A GIRL AND ACT LIKE ONE!!!! Now I will never be an Amber, that's just not who God made me to be. But today we had a "dress your personality" day... lol gotta love Angela. I had on a pink lacy shirt and pearls. Ya Sarah does not do that! pink... lace... AND... pearls?!?!? one is normally too much but all three!?!

But see the cool thing is that a few people were like "you dressed just normal" and then those guys were like shocked that I was all like girlie. It made my day!
God is really showing my that it's ok to be the Warrior princess he made me to be... but I'm still a princess who can have a prince or two take care of her (not in any bad way!).

But God is the best prince! He is always there knowing when things get hard and telling us it will be ok.

So this week I was running low on money.... and gas. A friend and I went and hung out, not only did they pay for what we were doing, but I got home to ten bucks in my purse for gas money! They wouldn't take it back... So the next day I knew that was just enough to get me to my Spanish class and work. I go to get some gas and my little bro takes the ten and hands me a twenty. God really looks after me in the weirdest ways!

Stupid randomness I know, but it really made my day! That God and my friends all care so much about me. it's really amazing, I really am a lucky GIRL!

~NEW START~

2008-04-24T12:41:00.000-07:00

That was my friend,
She was the star.
I thought we'd be together to the end,
I copied her hair, clothes, and someday her car.

Now she is gone,
I'm at a loss.
Slowly it's starting to dawn,
Now she's not here who's the boss?

I look to see if anyone can give me the answer,
Who could it be?
It's not the debater, punk, or dancer,
It's me.

What are they thinking?
Who am I to be in the spot light?
Into what lie am I sinking?
No, The're looking at me, not tomorrow, tonight!

Oh what should I do?
How should I dress?
It scares me, this thing so new,
My head is spinning into a mess.

How can I be what they need?
Maybe giving them love hope and light.
I can leave behind a seed,
Giving just enough courage to stand and fight.

Learning when to be strong,
How to say no.
Learning when to move on,
How to let go.

Learning not to hand out hurt,
Not to give what I was delt.
Teaching the tine to stand up and assert,
So the dams just melt.

Life's rain, sun, sleet, or snow,
Each one gives something to learn.
Ever lesson helping us grow,
Lighting our hearts till they burn.

Leading them to the one to whom they can hold on,
The one to help them cope.
the only one that makes us strong,
So they can give others hope.

Leading to hope, joy, peace, and love,
Knowing how we all should live.
Following the pure white dove,
THIS IS ALL I CAN GIVE!

Different

2008-04-21T22:02:00.000-07:00

You are tall,
He is short.
She is skinny,
You are not.

You have acne,
Her face glows.
He has hott clothes,
Your's are so last year.

You are shy,
She is at the center.
He has a beautiful girlfriend,
You can't seem to catch anyones eye.

You are different,
That's ok.
Why does it mater so much that we are not all the same?
It's what's on the inside that counts.

What God thinks about you is what matters,
You are beautiful in his eyes.
Even if you don't see it,
He does.

Drink in your life!
Be unique and different!

Black Eye

2008-04-08T20:28:00.000-07:00

So for Seth's 15th birthday he chose to take me snowboarding for my gift to him. Some present hu?!?!?

Well as the day drew closer I was dreading it more and more! I was tiered! I was sooo out of shape! Didn't have time to play! But this is what my little brother wanted for his birthday.... and me being broke that was the best I could do... for now ;) So I went.

We ended up taking one of Seth and my best friends, Caleb.

We got there got our rentals... bla bla bla. I was a little more confedent than I should have been. "I'm a gymnast! I have good control of my body! Good ballance!" HAHAHAHAHA wow yes this is all true.... I thought I would start out on the bunny hill even though I felt stupid doing that, the fact that I had never been before made it make since.

I stood up ready to go...

I fell on my butt.

For the first of what would be COUNTLESS times that day. I was starting to fall every 10 feet rather than every 3, therefore Seth and Caleb decided that it was time I went on a green slope.

Needless to say by the time I got done with the day I had a swollen black eye ( I have always wanted one of those!! so cool! lol), black knees, hurt wrist, snow burned belly and back and arms, swollen cheek, and a very black butt! lol I even blacked out once.
Needless to say... for some one who is used to being the best when it comes to sports.... it was hard! though there were a few times that I was doing really well and it was fun to fly down a mountain.

But let me tell you, those two boys... amazing kids!

Ok so I'm going to make a weird analagy here.... I don't think any of them are God or anything!

But Seth was like God, he was the one that gave me the opportunity to do this and he was always there cheering me on.

Caleb was like Christ and the Holly Spirit. He was the one there every time I fell to pick me up (littarly some times! lol), to grab my hand and tell me I will make it through.

I went down 2 green slopes the whole day (plus the bunny hill like 10 times! lol) They were both there the whole time grabing me, making sure that I was ok, sometimes yelling at me to get back up and try again!

But after I was done, went home and got some sleep, I thought. Ya know I spent pretty much the whole day on my butt and it wasn't much fun, But at the end of the day my other brother who is really into skiing wanted to go with me beofore we left... at this point I could hardly move. But I pushed through for my little brother. Guys I got down the bunny hill only falling once!!!! a record! and I had fun!

The devil has been knocking me over a lot and God has been teaching me a lot these days, I have speent most of my time on my butt. Every once in a while I have an amazing day where I'm flying away from every hard thing and leaving it all behind... then I fall down again just as I think I'm getting the hang of it. The more I praticed the better I got.

God is putting us through boot camp people! Every thing that knocks you down will teach you how to stand up. Yes we have some good times too, try not to over think them! Enjoy the break and have fun!

Just know someday wether you see it or not, every time you chose to stand back up will affect some ones life and will help to win for the kingdom of God!

God isn't being mean, it's not that he doesn't care, it's that he loves us and has a plan for our life... that might take some traning.
So let him grab your hand and pull you up. Let him yell at you to get up and finish. he know's what he is doing :)

NEW RANDOM THING!

2008-03-10T21:11:00.000-07:00

Ok guys! This is what I'm thinking about doing.... every week end (yes today is monday,.,,, I know) I wan to put my random thoughts for every day of the week.... cuz I have those a lot! lol some will be funny and some will be serious.... pretty much just random!!! lol so here is this week!

Sunday: Are sun flowers called SUN flowers because they look like the sun or because they turn towards where ever the sun is shining?

Monday: Orginized chaos!

Tuesday: The way to a girls heart is through her hair! (thanks Esther!)

Wednesday: Rest is needed in everyones life

Thursday: When we are trying to "find ourselves" We shouldn't try so hard because God knows everything about us, and in his time he will show us things about ourself. So if we are grounded in Christ we are grounded in ourselves!

Friday: The moon comes out every night, even in hard times to remind us that every day has the potential for beauty. ~The Perfect Man (it's a movie people!)

Saturday: SETH IS 15 TODAY!!!!!!! I ♥ U Bro!!!!

"Dreams"

2008-03-05T19:54:00.000-08:00

My live was confusing,

You were there.

You told me what to do,

Showed me that you care.

My life felt complete,

You lifted my weight.

The twinkle in your eye made me giggle,

I soared like a kite.

Through the day and late into the night,

We would laugh and talk.

Telling anything and everything,

Hoping we wouldn’t get caught.

With every hug and every chat,

What I did was not smart.

Whether either of us knew it or not,

I gave you my heart.

I closed my eyes,

I didn’t want to see.

There were others,

Not just me.

You laughed and flirted,

Played a game.

Any time I had your attention,

I did the same.

I had to open my eyes,

HE wasn’t there.

It was just you and me,

To you, to HIM, and to me it wasn’t fare.

I can smile,

Every time I dream.

But it’s just that,

A DREAM.

it's not all about me? LAME! lol jk

2008-03-02T14:47:00.000-08:00

1 chorenhians 10:31
What ever you do, do it for the glory of GOD.

I put this verse up on my mirror in the bath room so I can read it every morning. I have to be reminded all day every day that it's not about me it's about God, and it being about God means it's about the people around us. Today I reallllllly wanted to sleep in and NOT GO TO CHURCH, while I know God would still love me I went anyways and now I'm so glad I did. Our paster used a quote that said,
"Live fully, Love wastefully." (sarah isn't smart enough to rember who said it.)

When we put these two thoughts together we can truly learn to live like Christ and live the life that Christians are supposed to.

I wrote a persuasive speech this year that is on a really hard issue for a lot of conservitive Christans to agree with. I have felt ever since summer that I was supossed to write it and give it at these tournoments. It's really hard for me because I'm really competitive.... that's just who I am! lol but I have known that I will not win with it. I'm giving it anyways.

So right after breaks (seeing who goes to the next level) I was totally happy, 2 of my speeches did really good! but once again not my persuasive. One of my friends asked me if that speech had broken, and when I told him no, he said that he was sorry and asked me what it was on and things like that. When I told him he looked at me and said, "well even if you never win anything you can do it for the LORD."

Man that one sentence made my day! I felt like it was doing no good and that I wouldn't take it to regionals and everyone that needed tohear it wouldn't. But when he said that I just had to stop and think, this is for God and he will do what he wants with it. (thanks jon!)

Today at church our paster talked about how when in the bible the woman put all her prefume on Jesus when he was all dirty, how that smell must have gone further than just Jesus. It was all she had, it was strong enough to wander out to the whole room, the house, and probally even out side of the house.

I heard that and thought that we should be like the woman and give Jesus our all then maybe our sent will reach further than we expect. But see that's not because of us it's because of God :)

(just so you all know at this last tourny I got 15 or 16 (not sure they said 2 different things) in both Duo and OI :) and had an awesome time with my friends!!!!!)

Sickfulness

2008-02-21T18:10:00.000-08:00

Ok guys!
Wow so starting with the last tournament, Jennie broke her ankle, Caleb had appendicitis, And I was drugged up on Advil and what not the whole tournament, running about 101.5 fever. Ya it wasn't the best time ever.... we all pushed through this and other things.... for absolutely nothing.

A few of our team mates did well and we were seriously over joyed for them! it was so awesome to see them happy and doing well! Josh did great, Mr Zach did pretty good, and Ash did good with her stuff :)

So the whole time we were there from the moment we walked in the door Amber and I were told that our duo was something amazing, good luck, And that we were going to win. It was weird I didn't know half these people!!!! lol it was kinda cool... but it did put a lot of pressure on us to win.

Ya we didn't even break. *sigh* it was for a lot of reasons.... but I watched some of the breaking duos.... and ya... not so hott.....

So I come home like totally Sick and drop pratically at the front door. next day I lay around and cough all day. then Monday I go to the ER because the Dr was closed..... I spent all day there and they only gave me a breathing treatment and some cough syrup with some drug to help me sleep. for all that I was there over 9 hours. Then I got to lay around all the next day as my mom called around for doctors.... the next 2 days I spent at the Dr.

Today they finally gave me some DRUGS!!!!! lol yeeeeeaaahhhh!!!!!! I was almost sent to the hospital again because my breathing was so low. The doctor gave me some meds and now I have to take FIVE (yes the number 5) different types of meds everyday.... not including like Advil and stuff. lol I have to take my inhaler every 4 hours and I take 4 times what I normally do, if you know anything about that stuff you know that it spreads up your heart and makes you shake a lot. not fun at all..... and when I take that much it really sucks. lol but hey that's life! :) just pray I can BREATH!

So ya I'm starting to feel better, tho even just walking to the bathroom or talking for very long still sends me in to a coughing fit and I can't breath. *sigh* not fun at all. But better is good :)
and the DRUGS seem to be helping, thank God!

Before I can't type any more cuz I pass out,,,,, I want to say that at one point I was talking to Caleb at the tournament..... after we didn't break and all that crap. He looked at me and said that maybe it was meant to be a humbling experience. At the time I was so mad and about to have to put on a good face again so I just shot back with something like "well that's all God seems to do with me these days!"

But now looking back.... Yes I have had a very long time to think. Maybe God is trying to humble us all so we don't get a big head when he does bigger things through us. I know I don't want to turn out like some of the people there that always are winning everything and are jerks about it. but I know I could be come that with out realizing it,,,,,

While this week has been extremely hard the Lord gave me a huge gift of not being able to think! I was sick enough that there was no way I was going to be able to do algebra 2 or chemistry or speech or anything! I get a break I have needed sooo badly, although it would have been nice if God chose a different method. ;) but this worked and I'm so thankful for it!

I just have to pray now I have the strength to go dive back into my responsibilities and try to make up the lost time. The lord will help me there!!!

I learned two things in the past few weeks.

1. We might not always live up to everyones expectations, and that's ok as long as we are doing everything to HIS glory.

2. God sees when we are about to break, sometimes he gives us crutches, and sometimes he breaks us so we can see how much we need him and so we can accept his help and gifts.

So ya odd post i know but ya!!!!

The Tower

2008-02-04T11:18:00.000-08:00

OK THIS IS WHAT MY MOM AND I DID LAST NIGHT FOR HER WEEKLY DEVO. I THOUGHT I WOULD POST IT. IF YOU WANT TO GO TO HER WEB SIGHT GOT TO soulscents.us AND YOU CAN SIGN UP FOR HER WEEKLY DEVO! PRETTY AWEOSME!!! ANY WHAT ENJOY!

The Tower

By Paula Moldenhauer

The name of the LORD is a strong tower; the righteous run to it and are safe. Proverbs 18:10 (NIV)

The bitter north wind. A wave. A storm.

For the last month we’ve used powerful metaphors to describe difficulty. But we’ve also embraced powerful pictures of safety—like resting in the middle of the boat, being held in the Lord’s hand, and focusing our minds on Christ so that we can live in perfect peace.

This week I leave you with another picture of safety: a tower. This image became an increasing focus for me as the Lord brought it to me from various sources over the last five months.

One of these sources was an email from a friend. I asked permission to share a portion of it:

“The Lord told me we are all facing the storm, and to pray for protection. To pray that the feet of those caught in the tempest’s gale stay planted firmly on the rock of His foundation and not be swept away.

“So I did.

“Immediately following the prayer, I had a vision. In it I saw the ocean swell. The waves grew in great height and density, rolling back and forth like a mighty force was surging the sea up—higher and higher until it could go no further, then rolling it back over itself as it crashed and pummeled back to the point from where it began.

“Suddenly, without warning, out of the middle of the swell shot a light—straight and pure—bursting forth in pale hues of pink, yellow and orange. The colors streamed upward into the sky, pulsing and blending from the outside in until they exploded into a bright yellowish-white.

“Then, from the center of the light, an ivory tower arose. Tall, strong, and magnificent, it had a keep that shone like the sun and was impenetrable.

“As I watched, the waves continued to swell and lash at the tower; but the tower did not budge. In fact, as each wave heaved its fury at the walls, the tower expanded in height and breadth to become even more magnificent and powerful than before.

“Then I heard the Lord say, ‘This is My strong tower. This is where you are to take refuge during the storm. This is where you will find My protection—protection from the storm!’

“Afterwards the Lord said to write down Proverbs 18:10, and to tell His righteous to call on His name and they will be saved . . . saved from the waves of the sea and the darkness that looms beneath its surface. For in His strong tower, they will find safety from the storm. That is His promise!”

Friend, we all have stormy times. Frightened and vulnerable, we’re tempted to try to run from the waves. When we can’t outrun them, we pray, sometimes for an extended time, that we be released from the hardship.

But instead of relief, life gets harder.

Confusion, fear, and even despair threaten as the waves hit.

I don’t pretend to understand why God allows the things He does. I do know Scripture shows that His people go through hard times.

He never promised a life without storms.

But He does promise Himself.

His name is the strong tower, the place of refuge.

Friend, I don’t know what storms brew beneath the surface of your life, but I do know where to turn when they erupt and spew their frightening venom.

Call upon the name of Jesus. Talk to Him from the real you—whether the day finds you strong and peaceful, angry and accusing, timid and fearful, or in some crazy state of all those emotions. Scriptures tells story after story of those who called upon Him in their distress and were rescued. There is no pattern in the Bible of God saving only the strong. In fact, He seems to be especially moved by the cries of the weak.

The most important part of every story seems to be that His people, whether courageous or timid, know where to go.

They run to the Tower.

I leave you with the following poem, written by my sixteen-year-old in response to this week’s verse.

Proverbs 18:10

By Sarah Moldenhauer

Waves crashing
Wind billowing
Water racing
Weight pushing

Confusion
Disorder
Panic

Bracing for the worst
Breaking under the pressure
Bouncing against the walls
Bending to stand

Confusion
Tension
Hopeless

Finding the light
Forcing through
Facing the world
Falling into strong arms

Confusion
Love
Trust

Beauty

2008-01-28T12:01:00.000-08:00

This is for God Chasen' Chicks!!!! I LOVE YOU GIRLS!!! Your all beautiful!!! I love you!

Sometimes it seems my duty

To be a cute little beauty.

What could beauty be?

Sometimes I think it’s anything but me.

The world sees it as my perfect friend.

I try to see it as a passing trend.

High heels seem so cool

But my feet at the end of the day say I’m a fool.

Looking for dimples

All I see is pimples.

I want a flat tummy,

But the food looks so yummy.

Deeper and deeper I sink

Then I step back to think.

It’s not the hours we spend at the boutique,

It’s the small, individual things that make us unique.

I must stand up and let them see,

What a beautiful, amazing person God made me to be.

It took so long,

But now I can be strong.

For my life He has a plan,

I can’t make it happen, but He can.

No matter what they say,

It’s what He says at the end of the day.

Without a doubt,

I’m beautiful inside and out.

Breath of Fresh Air

2008-01-07T20:18:00.000-08:00

Wow... that's about all I know how to say... but if that's all I said I don't think this would be a very good post.... lol so I guess I'll try to expand on that "wow".

No one could ever think that a trip that starts at 5 am could turn out any good, but it turned out to be pretty good. We finally get on the road about 7:30. I'm in a car with some of the goofyest guys ever.... they turn on a STUPID song and dance to it... ya they already knew the moves they made up... pretty sad, but it kept us laughing and set a good mood for the rest of the trip.

Getting up there was fun, Amber and I really got some help with our duo. We messed around and listened to music and stuff. It was all around a good day :)

We had this thing called host housing, some one there that we didn't know opened up their house to us and let us stay there for the tournament. I was really nervous about this, knowing the homeschool community I was afraid to offend some one but knowing me I was going to be my self no matter what. But I could not have asked for a better family! These people were amazing! When we got there we had a basket of snacks and water bottles and even electric blankets turned on, on our bed! Everything was clean and very amazingly decorated I must say. The family was so nice. God really blessed us through our stay there. I hope some time we can pay them back :)

The tournament started and I had to get up at like 5 am every day. it was exhausting. I guess I'll tell you the downers of it then go into the good stuff. Bad..... Not having my speech memorized to well, cattie girls, guys who think they know everything, judges, judgment, getting up early and going to bed late.

But there were some amazing things. I think that my speech about loving people was much better received that I ever thought. It is something that most people really need to hear but a lot don't like it (I'll post it after the season is over). So I was happy about that :) The duo was going really well and we were having fun. All of our debate teams were doing amazingly! Not meaning to brag but SALT owned! lol
And I made some awesome new friends!!!! I love it when that happends!

We came home with many trophy's. For the first time in my life I have a First place trophy for something that didn't involve doing the splits or hitting a ball. Amber and I got first place with our duo! I didn't think it could happen, we threw it together at the last min. Not to sound mean or anything.... but we beat 3 teams of people that I have really had a hard time trying to keep up with. This time I came out on top. I know it won't happen every time but I won (with amber of corse ;) ) I don't know if anyone can understand when I say I finaly found my place and I was reconized over my friends who are always on top. It was a total God thing.

On the car ride back it was ok, there was a little bit of drama and crap like that, but at the very end of the trip like the last 3 hours, I was in a car with 4 of my best friends, just us. It was starting to get dark and Zack and Ashley were playing the guitar in the back, Josiah... well just being josiah lol, and I layed down on jennies lap and she played with my hair. It was quiet except for the music. I could breath, I actually got a chance to hear myself think and read my Bible and devo book some. But for the most part I just lay there with my best friends around me. People who I had been longing to be with for a very long time. God was sitting right next to me I know. His presence toped it off. I never fell asleep even though I was dead tired ( ya I slept till 2 today lol) I was just there. I couldn't do any work cuz I was stuck in the car, I didn't have to take care of anyone because the people I was with could take care of themselves, it was sooooo amazing. I haven't been able to rest like that in a few years ( I kid you not).

Even if I didn't come back with a trophy, it would have been worth it just for those friends I made and the 3 hours I spent in the car just being.

Thank you lord for all your blessings!!!!

Understanding

2007-12-19T10:42:00.000-08:00

~Understanding~

I don’t understand,

Why duct tape fixes everything,

Why chicken soup always makes you feel better.

Why chocolate makes you fat.

Most of all I don’t understand,

Why people can’t forgive.

Grudges are held,

Hate is heated,

Light goes to black,

Friends to enemies,

Instruments fade away and voices get louder.

What I understand the most is,

When we forgive,

Grudges are let go,

Hate cools,

Sun comes back,

Enemies become friends,

What I hear is music to my ears.

Trusting people!

2007-12-09T19:46:00.000-08:00

How can you prove to some one that you mean what you say? You can say the same thing over and over bit they still might not listen to you. Benjermen Franklin has a simple answer. He said, "People may doubt what you say, but they will alway believe what you do." What Mr. Fanklen is saying is that to fain someones trust you have to show them, not jsut tell them. I can promise my mom that I'll clean my room but, that promise means nothing until I actually do it .......oops! lol

We can also apply this to our lives as Christians. In order to get people to listen to us we have to show them what we are different. If we say we are different because of Christ then go get drunk, our actions will speak louder than words.

So next time you say you will do something, DO IT! ( yes I need to clean my room). Next time you say you are different, PROVE IT! If you do this, over time more and more people will trust you more and more and let me tell ya, having people trust you is a great feeling :)

Stress

2007-12-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

It's closing in all around me,
Coming closer I can hardly see.
There's a 10 pound weight on my chest,
Seriously you're lucky I'm even dressed.
I'm stuck in a mess,
This little thing called stress.
All the voices getting loud,
I wish I could float away on a cloud.
A smile every where I go,
The things I deal with no one will ever know.
I want to sink down deep,
Into an ever lasting sleep.
Never to rise,
And face the endless lies.
I don't understand,
Why am I always the one getting slammed?
I know every one else has bad problems too,
But they all seem to have a matt, jack, or sue.
My friends see me glow,
So many things, would they care to know?
I reach for someone with which my pain to share,
But as I reach the only thing I feel is air.
At the end there used to be hope,
But now I see NOTHING that can help me cope.
With the pain inside,
Little by little I have died.
Now there's barely anything there,
How can I continue to bear?
Someone is throwing a dart,
Right into my heart.
The ones I thought loved me,
Are as far away as the sea.
Yes, I have pride,
I have nearly always lied.
Standing in line,
They ask me if I'm fine.
Of course I am,
I say as I throw up my big dam.
Do I dare?
Would anyone care?
It's seems,
Everything pours over into my dreams.
In the night obsessing over everything,
I jump as I hear the dinging.
Killing my head,
Telling me it's time to get out of bed.
No matter what I say it's time to get up and face another day.